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One-child families

Got questions about only having one child? Find the answers here.

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Original poster

I want a sister? How can I explain to him?

26 replies

Starbear · 20/11/2009 09:07

In the past week Ds 5 years and an only, has been asking why he doesn't have a baby brother or sister. Yesterday he said it again 'I wish I had a sister to play with' my heart broke. How do I explain to him I can't have any more children. I know it gets lonely for him at times. I try very hard to fix play dates for him. This last two weeks I've found it hard as I've had to work 5 days instead of normal part-time 3 so his feeling are more acute. Any advice welcomed.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

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Pitchounette · 20/11/2009 10:14

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Original poster

Starbear · 20/11/2009 10:49

Thank you Pitchounette I'll tell it to him straight. & keep up the play dates. He just loves people.

OP posts:

Pitchounette · 20/11/2009 10:58

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Pinkjenny · 20/11/2009 11:00

Exactly the same experience for me as Pitchounette, although I still don't know why my mum and dad chose to have no more children. The stock response was always, "Because we got everything we wanted when we had you." Which is clearly bollocks.

I'd have loved a sibling, but I don't think not having one has really affected me, tbh.

morningpaper · 20/11/2009 11:00

I think all children say this sort of thing, whether they are an only or not. My two girls are constantly asking for a baby brother. which they ain't getting. They also ask CONSTANTLY for a 'big sister'. I understand you have a lot of personal pain (and guilt, don't we all), but please don't feel that HE is feeling the same as you. He is just expressing normal child's feelings about exploring the idea of different models of family.

paisleyleaf · 20/11/2009 11:05

"Which is clearly bollocks."

Original poster

Starbear · 20/11/2009 13:23

Thank you, yep I do have to deal with my own pain. I would have loved a daughter or another son (but only one just like his brother)He is precious and I had three siblings to share stuff with but to be honest I wasn't a big fan of playing with them!

OP posts:

Tee2072 · 20/11/2009 13:40

My DS is only 5 months, but I have been thinking about that very question as he will be an only due to many health issues and my age (I am 40).

I really do think the truth is the best answer. 'Mummy just wasn't able to have any other children. But your all she really needs anyway!'

Or something along those lines, age appropriate, of course!

Original poster

Starbear · 20/11/2009 14:03

Tee2072 I was 40 years when I had DS. Your right he'll have to cope with the hand he was dealt. I was one of 4 to an alcoholic gambler dad and a very complex nutty mother, so hey! My Dad did nothing with us not even feed us,when mum once left us all day with him!. DS has a fab Dad that changed nappies looks after him on his own at times. feed him his fav sausages, broccoli & pasta So yes the truth will be the best.

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DontHauntMeBaby · 20/11/2009 19:21

I agree with Tee - simple, unembroidered truth. Detail can come later if necessary. DH has taken it upon himself to try to explain to DD (also 5) that we didn't have any more children because of my PND. DD, for some reason, now thinks I am 'not allowed' to have any more children.

MaggiePie · 20/11/2009 19:26

I'd tell him straight too. I would have liked another child too...

I have two, but their Dad is a deadbeat who'd rather buy cars than put his children's needs even on the middle of his list of priorities. So, like you say, all in all your son has been dealt a good hand, and honest answers should help.

don't feel obliged to go mad with playdate though! they're hard work, and my two only fight anyway. The reality is, he's missing out on a lot more fighting than playing!

MadBadandDangerousToKnow · 21/11/2009 19:28

Another vote here for simple truth (without unnecessary detail). What also helps in my case is that I can say that I'm too old now to have another baby.

DontHauntMeBaby · 21/11/2009 19:48

I really need to revert back to my normal name before it's time to a Christmas name, don't I?

Children are never quite happy with their lot. It's easier to dismiss when you feel they SHOULD be happy with it. I have absolute confidence in telling DD she can't have an animatronic kitten because she has TWO real ones, but heart strings get tugged on the (very rare) occasions she says she'd like a sibling.

MadBadandDangerousToKnow · 21/11/2009 20:30

This has reminded me of something I read in How To Talk So Kids Will Listen .... (must be in the first chapter or so as I never got to the end of the book). Their suggestion (as I remember it) is that if your child makes a demand which is impossible to meet - ice cream for breakfast, a pony or (by implication) a sibling - then instead of explaining why it's not possible, you should say "Yes, wouldn't that be great! We could have tutti frutti/ride to the beach/take the baby to the park ... etc". The theory, I think, is that that converts the wish into a fantasy and so it can be indulged on that level.

I'm not sure, though, how that conversation would work when it's about something that the parent actually wants too. As DHMB says, heart strings are involved then. Of course, it's different again if the parent is happy with their lot.

StrawberryBeret · 22/11/2009 00:04

I always think that parents who can't have any more children transfer their negatice feelings about it on to their children. They may not set out to do this intentionally but they do it nonethless.

If socialised into this mindset of "missing out" on siblings it's obvious they will feel that way too.

If you're only human you wont be able to hide your feelings of disappointment about not being able to provide your DS with a sibling but I have to say that I think this is your issue that he's picking up on, not his own. he is being socialised into your mindset and picking up on it to the point that it is informing his own agenda.

Most probably, whether you meant to do it or not, I think you've set the agenda for him and your constant feelings of guilt will only exacerbate and fuel the negative issue in his mind that you have planted there.

This is probably a fairly common pattern of behaviour among parents who wish they could have more than one child but can't and might explain why so many only children grow up wishing that they'd had siblings - it's them picking up on their parents guilt and negativity that has made them feel like they are missing out.

muggglewump · 22/11/2009 00:14

I have an only by choice.
I was sterilised at 30 (I'll be 32 next week )
DD asked about a sibling a few times when she was younger, and I just said simply no, it won't happen.
I love her and I don't want to have more children. She accepted it and now, at 8 she's old enough to know I can't have any more and I've chosen it.

I do think they pick up on whether you want more or not.

DD would now tell you everything positive about being an only child, because in my family (single parent, only child but we are just as much a family as a two by two) it is positive, but when you don't have an only by choice they pick up on that too, and perhaps feel something is missing.

Having one child can be great but you have to feel that and embrace it to make the most of it.

StrawberryBeret · 22/11/2009 20:13

It's simple - if you have positive experiences of having one child (i.e it was your choice) your child will not grow up to see it as odd or undesirable.

Conversely, if you have negative experiences of it and hang ups about it too, then your child will pick up on them and will grow upto have negative experiences of the being an only child too.

StillCounting · 22/11/2009 20:22

I think there's a lot of truth in what StrawberryBeret says

I'm struggling with this issue currently too

Worth noting that dc tend to only look at the fun side of potential siblings and not the bits about having to share, having to be patient and wait their turn etc etc

Also just wanted to add :
it's really great Starbear that your ds "loves people". If he is going to be an only child then that is quite the best personality-type to have and it will stand him in good stead for the future!!

MadBadandDangerousToKnow · 22/11/2009 20:29

Well, StrawberryBeret's typically trenchant view lacks shades of grey - there is (I think) a middle ground of people who did not choose to have one child but have still found it to be a very positive experience - but I do agree that there is nothing (or almost nothing) good or bad but thinking makes it so.

Pitchounette · 23/11/2009 09:44

Message withdrawn

itsmeolord · 23/11/2009 09:53

My dd asked for a long time about a sibling, we simply explained that my tummy didn't work properly and wouldn't make any more babies.
As she got older and learnt about how babies are made, where they come from she got a more scientific answer (that she could understand at her age) and she is fine with that.
I do have a step daughter as well so I guess that helps her in our case.

I do think that being honest rather in an age appropriate way is mostly the best policy though.

scottishmummyofone · 25/11/2009 15:42

you could tell him mummy has a sore tummy? (sorry don't know your exact reasons...)

Or you could point out all the negative things about siblings/babies?

flintski · 27/11/2009 22:31

hi - i don't contribute very often so I hope its ok to join in?! - my dd who is very nearly 5 also asks about siblings although this has calmed down of late as I think she has given up as one hasn't materialised!

anyway - i do agree with previous posts about being careful not to transfer negative feelings about not being able to have more dc onto your son but I would also argue that kids are able to form their own opinions about what they see as the 'benefit' of having a sibling however much you 'big' up how great it is to be a one child family. My dd often asks/questions why she is on her own after visiting families of more than one despite our very positive discussions about our 'perfect' family of 3. I think we should respect that they understand the differences between their families and those of more than one and there are positives and negatives of both!

not sure I got my point across - apologies if not!

nickschick · 27/11/2009 22:37

My friend has one dd and she just tells her she is so perfect you cant improve upon it and her heart is full of love just for her ...

neversaydie · 27/11/2009 22:57

I had ds at 41, and much as I would have liked another, knew that I simply wasn't up to any further physical demands on my body.

DS rather wistfully said that he would like a little brother on odd occasions from about 3 to 6. Then he made friends with a lad who actually has a little brother, and realised that it wasn't quite such unalloyed fun as he thought it would be.

I am the eldest of 3 girls, got on well enough with them (still do) but always longed for a twin like my twin cousins. So I already had an inkling that whatever we provided in the way of siblings might not be up to spec!

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