Thos with onlies by choice, how do you know for sure you only want one?

[Astrid28]

I have gone from wanting 4 children (pre DD!), to preferring DD to be an only, and recently had a period of what I suppose was broodiness. But now it seems to have passed.

I like our life as it is, I absolutely adore my daughter and have seen my sisters go one to have more and be completely harassed. I am from a large family myself and like the idea of our family being smaller.

But am I being completely selfish when I know DH wants more, on top of the usual from everyone about it not being fair on DD??

I feel like I'm messing DH around but I just can't decide whats best for everyone, not just me.

I am in a similar position to you. Only have one and only wanted one, but am going through a period of broodiness at the moment. I am not sure if it will pass and DH and I have decided to wait until after Christmas and see how we feel then.

I don't agree that it wouldn't be fair on your DD to be an only child. You only have to read/speak to adults who were onlies to see their experience differed greatly, just as it does when people have siblings. The experience is what you make it. Yes there are positives to having siblings, but there are also positives to being an only.

It is a really tough decision, especially if like me, you are really happy with the way things are.

What is it making you feel unsure yourself?

I have an only by choice and I have had vague times when I think maybe I should have another, but these feelings only ever arise out of time when I might feel like I'm strange for only wanting one or that DD might be disadvantaged by being an only. In my heart of hearts I know that I never feel like this because I want another baby.

I do love our life and my family and when I read comments on here that you would never regret another child and so you should have more than one if you can I feel like I must be a very strange woman because I think it is a strong possibility that I would regret it. Not the child itself you understand, but the decision.

Many posters stray onto the onlies board to tell us about how we ought to have more, that we are just scared to have a second and should just jump right in, that we are letting our onlies miss out etc etc but I find the idea of wanting a large family totally alien to me, it just wouldn't suit my family.

You have to decide what is right for you, but my DH is on the same page as me. I would find it difficult if he wanted more and I was reluctant.

for a long time I didn't want any children, then changed my mind to "a child" , now have " a child" and am enjoying life with him BUT have no desire to do teh baby months again. I volunteer at a new baby group and I'm constantly reminded How HARD it is to have a new born and a toddler or a school child and its not a life style I wish to inflict on my self.

I know for definite that I do not want another but I do have periods of feeling guilty and worrying that DD will 'miss out'. I know that DH wants another although he's doing his best not to say anything about it.

DD is only 21 mo and I'm sure the older she gets the more questioning I will get and I dont look forward to that at all

Several people with more than 1 have told me the only had another because other people told them to and whilst they love their children, they find it very hard.

I know lots of only children who are all happy children/teenagers. One even shrugged when I asked her about it and said 'you dont miss what you never had'.

I look at my dd and I'm bonding so much better with her the older she gets. it's easier when they get older, I was never a baby person. With dd I had PND and a really aad pregnancy. DD had colic and kept getting minor illnesses which was stressful, and didn't sleep for 18 months. Do I want to go through that again?

And we can't afford it. DH reckons one day we could but when that happens I want to spoil DD and enjoy the lifestyle we can't really enjoy now due to financial difficulties. Why get out of almost crippling debt to have another child and go back to almost crippling debt?

Sorry, I went on a bit...

oops, that should read 'bad' pregnancy

Hi Sorry haven't been around for a couple of days.

I don't know what makes me unsure of myself. I think my broodiness stemmed from a family holiday and seeing DD really wanting to play with other children and being sad when they left. My husband loves children and his eyes lit up whern I said I was thinking that another might not be so bad after all. I don't want DD or DH to resent what is effectively my decision.

I actually came off the pill after the holiday and then panicked - it made me realise that now that it actually could happen - did I really want it to?

DD has several close cousins, who I love to have over and do very often. I will happily take a cousin or friend on holiday with us as a playmate and that seems perfect to me.

I think I'm similar to you NightShoe in that I'm not sure I'd like another baby.
I also think, what if I got pregnant with a baby I wasn't 100% sure about and spent 9 months feeling anxious and unsure. Could that cause psychological damage to the baby? What if I end up miserable myself and this then affecting my relationship with DD?

My problem is that I know what I want to do, but just feel that what I want is the wrong thing for everyone else.

Seems to me, you are in a good position, you actually know what you want. You can't have another baby for someone else, whether that be your DH or DD. You know your DD will be fine, a loving sociable home is far more important than the number of siblings.

Only you know how it would affect your DH, it depends on if he really wants another or just feels you should iyswim?

It really is such a difficult decision.

I'm glad you think it's difficult too! Everyone I talk to has more than one child and I feel like I'm over-analyzing something they found such a natural next step.

I had no problems in pregnancy, DD is brilliant, I love motherhood, but I can't imagine the next time being as special or stress free!

I pulled out the box of DD's newborn clothes yesterday and went through them thinking it might trigger something - but no!

I promise I am not a fruitcake!

I know what you mean about feeling like you are over analyzing it, when everyone else just seems to know what they want.

TBH, I am thinking about it a lot at the moment, really not sure at all, either way!

I also love motherhood, in fact that is probably making my decision harder.

It is difficult to talk about with anyone in RL (other than DH of course) as I am quite private and wouldn't want people knowing I was even thinking about it.

Also, when you ask people about having 2, not many will actually say exactly how they are feeling and if they are really struggling and would probably never admit to wishing they had only had one. Everyone sugar coats things to a lesser or greater extent.

You really do sound as though you know what you want though and perhaps are just letting yourself be swayed?

I think I do know that I prefer things as they are, I just never expected it. I always thought I'd end up with 2 at the least.

I know what you mean. I had already said to friends/family members that I'm happy to leave it at one, and when I had the broody stage I never mentioned it to anyone to avoid everyone saying 'See? I told you you'd have more!' or worse assuming it was unplanned and therefore unwanted.

I have a friend who had her first DD, it wasn't particularly planned although they were married etc. They later did plan to have their second as she felt broody on this occasion, and since then they just seem frazzled. I'm not sure how much attention should be payed to feeling broody! It's just nostalgia surely? And as you say, once a second is here, you'd get very few saying 'Actually I was happier with just one' even if they were!

I understand completely. I always said I was never having children, even though I have lawyas worked with them and loved my job. Then I met Dh and that was it! he wasn't planned though but we both love him to pieces. DH is adamant he only wants one and now so am I, I always get "oh you'll change your mind" but no, I just don't see it and DH def won't!! If Dh had said he wanted another then I would prob be ok about that though. Does that make me weird? lol!

When I see babies I think "oh sweet lovely" and that is it! nothing more....and the longing at the tiny things of Ds's that I saved - well that is for HIM not another child that doesn't exist. I have never wished for another for those reasons, I have in the past worried about Ds and him growing up - but I agree, make it not lonely and a happy environment! Ds hasn't even mixed very much yet with others but when he does (he is 2.2 btw) he is very friendly and generally a happy little soul!

NightShoe's post rings a lot of bells with me. I've felt I should have another baby (for DD's sake), I should want another baby, because it's a bit weird not to ... but I don't.

When a friend was pregnant with her second, she said she was looking forward to doing it all again, breastfeeding, weaning (seriously, who looks forward to weaning?! ) and I couldn't think of anything worse.

One thing some people talk about when they want another child, whether it's their second or seventh, is the missing child - the missing pair of shoes at the door, the missing plate on the dinner table. There's no missing child in this family. Sometimes I try to picture one, and there just isn't one.

And maxybrown, I hadn't thought of it that way - yes, I do sometimes miss the little DD (she is nearer 6 than 5 now), but that doesn't mean I should try to reproduce that with another child. Baby DD, toddler DD and the rest have gone now, just have to look forward to the future DDs.

For people who truly have one child by choice this is a bit of a silly question. As one such person, the short answer is, it never ever occured to me to have any more.

Would you post up a question asking people who have more than one child how they were sure that they wanted more than one?

I doubt it.

Er, I have only one truly by choice but I have thought about it and I doubt I am the only one so I don't think it is a silly question??? At one point I was never having any!! But you must have, at some point, thought "I will only have 1" and given that a little bit of thought.....surely?? if not you, then I'm sure plenty of others will have and I know exactly where OP is coming from.

This is definitely NOT a silly question! For some people, like myself the decision to only have one child is extremely difficult and I find myself with a longing to have a second child but know it would be the wrong decision for me. This question is totally relevant. Strawberry - I think you are therefore very lucky that it never occured to you to have any other children, for some the decision is harder than that and I personally find it very helpful having threads like these on MN.

I have an only and he will stay an only. I know for sure because I have absolutely no urges whatsoever to ever have another!

I find the whole worrying about numbers of children and measuring each others broodiness a bit odd if I'm honest. I have freinds who have six children and friends who have none at all - by choice. I have never passed judgement on any of their choices and they all seem perfectly sane (well, ok, the one with six is a bit mad but they all seem happy! ). I did not want any children for the longest time and have never really understood what "broody" feels like. I decided in the end to give it a go, mainly because DH had always wanted a child (but never pressurised me)and partly because I wondered if I would get to the stage of feeling that I had missed out. I did wait for a loooog time to make the leap though. I'm lucky I guess that DH does not want another either so I can imagine that it is harder if you have differing views.

That said, it also depends on your age. Unless you are 46 then there is plenty of time to think about it and change your mind as many times as you want - nothing is set in stone; you don't have to sign a contract! Do you realy have to decide now?

On a final note, I would say don't bring a child into the world that is not wholly wanted so if you are not sure then, as a rule of thumb, don't do it.

I think this is a good question and one a lot of women debate with themselves and their other halves.

I think there are so many influences on our decision making that can sometimes cloud the issue.

The whole of society tells us we should want more than one, for our family's sake, for the first child's sake, there are messages everywhere that reinforce this 'norm'. It is a very focused person who can ignore these.

But in the end you have to listen to what you 'want'. Ultimately you must make the final decision. I would really recommend counselling or seeking an independent opinion. It can help so much to clarify what you want and to help you understand each other. I don't think you have to be experiencing a problem to do this.

I have done a lot of thinking about this and sometimes I do feel selfish to put myself first. Or is it just being realistic about what the pressures of another child would bring? I don't want my current family, myself or a new child to be pushed to the limit.

I am really really struggling with this question at the moment.

I never really actively wanted kids, then DS came along, and he is the best thing ever! He's 2.4 and I love him so so much and think being a mummy is great.

I don't really want another one, but am killing myself wondering if we should, for the sake of DS (but then with 3 years between them, would they ever really play together anyway?). We're also older (me 38, DP 48), which makes me wonder if we ought to have another to reduce the decrepit parent burden later.

It's all I can think about at the moment, it's driving me mad.

On please - not the old "we don't want DS/DS to be left alone to care for us when we're old" chestnut again.

Please don't kid yourself that people with siblings share the burden of caring for their elderly parents equally. That only happens in a very very ideal world!!

In fact, it is usally always the case that one or two get saddled with it all while the other or others s don't do a thing and, from what I've seen of people who it's affected, it can cause nothing but resentment among siblings.

Oh please, not the old "we don't want DS/DS to be left alone to care for us when we're old" chestnut again.

Please don't kid yourself that people with siblings share the burden of caring for their elderly parents equally. That only happens in a very very ideal world!!

In fact, it's usally always the case that one or two get saddled with it all while the other or others don't end up doing a bloody thing and, from what I've seen of people who that's happened to, it can cause nothing but resentment and bitterness among siblings.

I always think if you want another child do it for the right reasons - because you want one and for no other.

*Would you post up a question asking people who have more than one child how they were sure that they wanted more than one?

I doubt it.*

I strayed onto this forum as it is an issue my BF and I debate often. For a period of time I didn't think I was maternal, but then I decided that I would like to try and that I wanted 2 if possible. I was really certain about this even to the fact that I wanted 2-3 years between them. My friend was a loads of kids girl until she found her DP had one and became really happy and lost her desire to continue. Another friend with 1 would like at least 4.

So I think if the question was posted you would get a range of responses

INteresting to come back to this thread, because here I am wondering if i want another

DH would still prefer not to, I know that - although i do think as DS is getting older he has wobbled ever so slightly - not that he has actually said that mind! he has asked me about a million times "do you want to have another baby?" which he has never asked me before.

It is not the "old chestnut" of elderly parent thing - my Mothers sisters are useless - but I know that if anything should happen, ever, no matter what, to me or to one of my siblings, and we needed help, we would all be there in a shot - and they are 6 and 7 years older than me.

I am not a broody type at all - had a very easy pregnancy and an easy as easy can be newborn - so not as if I have any bad times to try and remember......but all of a sudden I feel like sharing myself!! I cannot explain it very well sorry

I only ever wanted one child, my whole life and after seeing my sister who has three gorgous children how much hard work it is only confirmed it to me! I always really wanted a daughter and lucky me I got my lovely girl.

I never, ever wanted any more, I went to my GP to be sterlized on four occasions but every time was refused. So, without being too crude, I did not have sex for over two years just to be sure. I am on my own but would see dd's dad a lot, he would stay in the spare room to see dd and sometimes we would fool around but only a little bit (sorry if TMI )

I wake up one night to find him in action so to speak and I go bonkers, screaming like a fishwife and throw him out in the middle of the night. My ds will be four months next week and it has been the best thing ever.

I spent the whole of my pregnacy with a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach worrying about having a baby that would not be wanted or loved, well loved but not in the same way. I wondered how I could love another baby half as much as I love dd. It took time for me to bond with dd, long hard labour and she was such hard work for the first year. Yet from the second I saw ds it was like falling in love .

It never bothered me in the slightest the sheer volume of comments I would get from other people about just having one child as I knew for me it was the right choice. I feel like a totally different person now I have two, life just gets better and better. It is hard being on my own with two, just trying to pay the morgage whilst on maternity leave is hard work!!

I knew I only wanted one yet look at me now, luckiest woman alive

Are you effectively saying you were raped CarrieLou2007? That's awful

Good for you that you're happy with the outcome now but I have to say I find your story startling and a little weird.