Do we have another - we can't decide?!

[LittleB]

Hi, I just want to talk this through on here - it might help.
dd is 4.5 and has just started school, since she was born we have discussed having another several times and always decided 'no', now the subject has come up again and we are really not sure. Triggered I think by our lovely dd growing up and being at school, missing that lovely baby and toddler stage and the feeling that I could now mange another as I have more time now. Our pros and cons are as follows; Pros, emotionally we're both broody, dd says she'd like a baby sibling - although that may change when she has one, with dd at school I'd have time to spend with a baby, before one of our arguements was we didn't have room and couldn't afford to move - but we've now converted our loft so have the space.
Cons, juggling child care and work is hard ( I work 3 days a week) - its just got easier - do I want it to get harder again, MIL helped with dd - may not be able to help so much with another - shes now waiting for a hip op, although I know she'd love us to have another and to help where she could - my mum isn't so keen, always tells me how great it is that we have 1. Money for childcare and everything else, a large age gap - at least 5 yrs.
Can't decide, in my heart I'd love one but I'm not sure how practical it is and I am enjoying the few hours of freedom I have now dd is at school - I would sacrifice it though. I'm 33, but would rather have another before 35 if we do go for it - I don't want a huge age gap.
I think that if we keep coming back to this discussion perhaps we shoud just go for it, I don't want to regret not haveing another later in life, but I could find it really hard with 2, oh what to do - what do you think?

I think we often model our ideal family on our own circumstances growing up (if we were happy), so for example my own feeling of "right size" is two but I don't think that's based on anything except my experience of having one sibling.

Dh & I would like another but it may not happen. I'll be sad if it doesn't but not for any of the reasons suggested on this thread.

For what it's worth (anecdote not being the plural of data and all that), dh's toxic relationship with his brother exploded that family. I've never met his brother, met his parents once, ds has never met his gps and they don't acknowledge his existence. Dh certainly wishes he had been an only child and has periodically wished he never existed due to the beatings he went through as a child.

My cousin is a very happy only child with three children of her own. I did ask if she wished she'd had siblings seeing her own children now but she says no. She's incredibly close to her mother and doesn't wish her life any other way.

As to her having to shoulder the burden of care in later life - well, she's got cousins and we all adore our aunt. We'd never see her struggle alone.

My mum & dad have 6 siblings between them and both shouldered the vast majority of responsibility for care of elderly parents.

My friend says she can already see her sister planning her get-out-of-care card, mainly based around the fact that my friend has no children so therefore more time to spend with their aging parents.

My mum's friend is currently commuting between mainland Europe and the UK to deal with Social Services/set up care plans for her mother with demential despite the fact that her brother lives 20 miles away.

Everyone's different, no point generalising.

To the op though, it does sound like you want a baby and babies should be wanted for themselves, not any other reason so I'd go for it if I were you.

shonaspurtle, a very measured post

OP really shouldn't have asked a question whether or not to have another as apparently any reason to have another means people with only one child get pissy.

Nightshoe, surely any experience you have is not valid because you can't transfer the experiences of any to another.

starwhore - what are you doing on the One Child Board? I'm not a single parent or mum to a large family so I don't go onto those boards so why are you trolling posting on here?

there's always one that's got to get the wooden spoon out...

I have found that since the one-child families board has been running, people with more than one child seem to have a lot to say about one-child families and how it's not the ideal.

don't think anyone's getting pissy about whether the op should have another child, just getting pissy at boring stereotypical views about onlies and how they are all DOOMED to have a miserable life

Really interesting posts from Tsarcharm and Shonaspurtle. I think it's true that child-rearing is probably surrounded now by more angst than it ever was in the 70s.

Personally, I don't want to erect a fence around this topic so that only people who are only children or have one child are admitted. But I do remain perplexed that a few people turn up here with no purpose, it seems, but to pour scorn on people who have decided to have just one child and to make gloomy predictions about what the future holds for their children.

LittleB, personally I think you should go for it, you want another baby/child. That's the only valid reason, those who only do it because they OUGHT to just get lucky if it all works out for the best.

starwhore where on EARTH do you get off telling LittleB SHE shouldn't have asked a question because of YOUR perception of OTHER PEOPLE'S reaction to that question?

Calmer head on - sometimes I think it would really help if people took more careful note of what topic that interesting thread on Active Conversations is actually on. It's not helpful to say only children are all selfish on this board any more than it it is to weigh in saying 'four, are you mad, they'll never get any quality time' on the Larger Families topic.

Actually didn't notice that this was an exclusive board, but will ensure not to post in future..... as a mother of more than one.

Sorry if I have caused offence by my stupid lack of attention to the board title.

[sheepishly backs off to her shoe containing children]

Please don't accuse me of trolling.

she's not a troll

I think the qualification criteria for trolldom is set fairly low these days, starwhores

ignoring all previous arguments posts I think of you're in two minds you should go for it.

Imo you only regret it if you don't have another, only when it's too late..

that's always a comment expected from those with more than one child though, girlsyearsapart.

The word 'regret' seems to be popping up quite a lot in this thread. You'll regret it if you don't have another one...

It's almost like saying your child will be doomed if they are an only child, but in polite terms.

"OP really shouldn't have asked a question whether or not to have another as apparently any reason to have another means people with only one child get pissy."

No, Starwhore, people who have one child only out of choice just get fed up of morons like you spouting all your ignorant, misinformed shite.

Pissy enough for you?

If you care to scroll back through this thread you'll see that plenty of people (myself included) have encouraged the OP to "go for it" and have another child. it doesn't bother me in the slightest how many children people choose to have and I don't see why it should botehr anyone. Why does it bother people like you?

Anyway, we've all had enough of you now so you can feck off back to 2.4 smugsville and rest assured that your perfectly socailly and emotionally well-balanced children will be eternally grateful to you for providing them with a sibling and will work together tirelessly to care for you in your dotage.

not really lovechoc I didn't mean if you have 1 you'll forever regret only having 1.

I meant if you're deliberating over having a 2nd you're more likely to regret not having one than having one.

Totally not talking about people who choose to have 1, have 1, are happy to stick at 1 and are not broody for more.

OP says her and her partner are both broody for another and their dd also asks. What's the problem with that?

Adryath..... I always think it's guilt that provokes such an attack, sure you made the right choice? Oh and I have four balanced, beautiful and very happy children that fight, negociate, cuddle, laugh and enjoy eachother.

[hides thread, this board is vicious]

2nd best thing I have ever done. (1st best was having children in the first place!)
I can't believe how much my siblings get from each other - things that I can't give to them because I am not their age. Also, it is more work, but also in some ways less because they amuse each other quite a lot. (Although that bit doesn't happen until dc2 is a bit beyond toddlerdom)

From Starwhores - "I always think it's guilt that provokes such an attack, sure you made the right choice?"

Err, do you not realise that anyone who was so inclined could ask the very same thing of you? That's exactly why I think it's so rude/pointless/arrogant/complacent to attack other people's choices.

starwhores you doth protest far too much lol, who are you trying to convince?

I'm absolutely thrilled with my choice Starwhores but thanks for enquiring anyway.

You see, my DS has very close cousins extemely close to him in age living just up the road. He (like your children) goes to the same school as them, fights with them, negotiates with them, plays with them, cuddles them, laughs with them, thoroughly enjoys their company at all times and loves them dearly, as they do him. Just like your DCs they are all confident, well-balanced, beautiful and extremely happy children.

My DS spends absolutely oodles of time with his cousins but is also equally happy when they go home and he gets to have his own time and space and to do exactly what he wants to do. His cousins are also happy to have their own time amd space away from one another and relish time alone with their mum.

I love my neice and nephew to bits too but I'm also glad that whilst we're lucky enough tobe able to spend as much time as we like together with them, I don't have to do all their washing and ironing, oversee their homework, cook and shop for them, clear up their mess, pay to feed and clothe them, pay for all their extra bits and bobs (school trips, meals, activities, pocket money etc), pay for them to go on holidays, foot the bill for childcare/activites during school holidays, and look after them when they're ill.

I've absolutely no doubt that my DS and his cousins will remain very close throughout their lives as they've always been brought up so closely together.

Having just one child in my opinion gives you all you need to be able to say that i teh parenting stakes you've been there, done that and got the T-shirt.

I think both my DS and I have got absolutely the best of both worlds, it works perfectly for us and we have a great life. That's why I'm extremely happy with my choices thanks.

It's a total mystery to me why people like you seem to think that people like me should be secretly regretting our choices. Perhaps you'd like to enlighten us?

I wouldn't like to have four children personally, but I respect that everyone's different and that there will be people out there who do. Where do people like you get off on having a go at people who make choices that you wouldn't want to make or that you don't agree with? I respect your choice to have 4, so why can't you respect mine to have one?

I think you're the one with the large chip on the old shoulder, not me.

Thanks for the advice - I'm trying to ignore some of the bickering I've attracted to this thread. Having decided that we'll go for it I've just received a letter saying that my latest smear shows severe diskalyosis (SP?),I had a smear showing mild diskalyosis earlier in the year, then biopsies which they hoped would sort it out, then another colposcopy a couple of weeks ago when it all appeared alot better, they did the smear to check and it now seems its much worse . I'm pretty upset, I have to wait a couple of weeks until they meet to decide what to do, then wait for appointment for treatment, wait to heal, and then hopefully we might be able to try for a baby next year, its a worrying time for us though.

Hope the treatment goes well. Good luck!

LittleB please ignore the bickering. It is nothing to do with you

Take care of yourself, health is so important- one child, ten or none! Good luck