Do we have another - we can't decide?!

[LittleB]

Hi, I just want to talk this through on here - it might help.
dd is 4.5 and has just started school, since she was born we have discussed having another several times and always decided 'no', now the subject has come up again and we are really not sure. Triggered I think by our lovely dd growing up and being at school, missing that lovely baby and toddler stage and the feeling that I could now mange another as I have more time now. Our pros and cons are as follows; Pros, emotionally we're both broody, dd says she'd like a baby sibling - although that may change when she has one, with dd at school I'd have time to spend with a baby, before one of our arguements was we didn't have room and couldn't afford to move - but we've now converted our loft so have the space.
Cons, juggling child care and work is hard ( I work 3 days a week) - its just got easier - do I want it to get harder again, MIL helped with dd - may not be able to help so much with another - shes now waiting for a hip op, although I know she'd love us to have another and to help where she could - my mum isn't so keen, always tells me how great it is that we have 1. Money for childcare and everything else, a large age gap - at least 5 yrs.
Can't decide, in my heart I'd love one but I'm not sure how practical it is and I am enjoying the few hours of freedom I have now dd is at school - I would sacrifice it though. I'm 33, but would rather have another before 35 if we do go for it - I don't want a huge age gap.
I think that if we keep coming back to this discussion perhaps we shoud just go for it, I don't want to regret not haveing another later in life, but I could find it really hard with 2, oh what to do - what do you think?

Sorry I didn't get back on here sooner, had to collect dd from school( shes on half days) and then I was really busy. I'm sorry I've started a disagreement on onlies and I know its my decision, just sometimes working through things on mumsnet can help, aswell as talking to friends and family too.
Thanks for your post dwayned, it just brought tears to my eyes - I do really want a baby, I guess I'm just a bit scared about it too! I think dh feels the same although he wouldn't admit to being scared, he has said hes worried if we had a boy he wouldn't feel the same as he does with dd, but before I had dd he was worried about bonding with her and bonded with her more quickly than I did!
With regard to onlies, in my family the people most supportive of us only having 1 child have been my mum and stepdad who are both only children themselves. Dh gets on better with his cousins than his siblings and I've had a pretty up and down relationship with my sister - we pretty much hated each other as teenagers. So I know you can't make any sweeping statements about onlies or siblings.
I just wanted to chat through a decision!
I've had some really useful comment on here, a would be useful to hear from others like dwayne or who are further down the line - I'll let you know what we decide!

Me and my hubby went through this decision with our second and its not easy. Although there is only a 3 year age gap between ours.
I really wanted another but i had such an awful pregnancy and first 6 months with dd and it had all settled into a nice routine.

I was in and out of hospital in pregnancy, had her early, she got colic, i got depression!!!!! But then when she was 2 it was like i was fine i was working 3 days and loving it, childcare was easy and split between inlaws and hubby. DD was great, we still went out at least a couple times a month and it was great.

But i really wanted another and DD was so quiet and shy thought it would be great for her too. So we decided yes and although i still had problems second time and she was also early as soon as i saw her i knew i had made the right decision, cause if we hadnt then it would have niggled at me over the years the what if??!!

As it turns out DD loves her to pieces they are constantly loving each other (and fighting) and she is so much more confident and i see another side of her.

From the me point of view, my childcare options are no longer easy so work varies and nights out few and far between but they are only young and i know things will get as they get older - and I wouldnt change a thing!!

Yes its harder and you have to comprimise but for me it was well worth it!!

Good luck with decision.

Hi LittleB I think you should go for having another child. I have an only through choice but I know that if I had ever had a niggling doubt about wanting to have another (which I never did) I would have trusted my instincts and had another one.

I think your instincts are telling both you and your DH that you'd like another child and that the worries you have are only superficial ones really. I'm sure they'll all prove to be totally unfounded when the new baby arrives and you'll know you made the right decision.

As far as feeling the same about children goes, I can't tell you, but I've only heard ever heard of very few cases where a parent finds they don;t bond with a second or subsequent child, and there are usually other factors at play like post natal depression.

I'm sure you and your DH will find just as much love for a new baby as you have for your first child.

I do know from talking to friends/family etc that the expereince of parenting a second or subsequient child, and looking after a notehr baby when you already have a child, is differnet but I'm sure it'll be every bit as rewarding and special.

Good luck with your decision - but I say go for it!

On the money front as i dont work as much anymore im now selling my car to lower my monthly outgoings to allow me spend qaulity time at home now while they are still young. But im lucky i live a couple of streets away from school and nursery and nothings more than 20mins on the bus.

Have one. You know you want to. All the rest is fliff fluff.

"Wow. This seems to be a very grumpy place! I'm guessing parents of onlies get a lot of stick?"

Not grumpy, nooka, perfectly happy with my choice to have one lovely DD, however, if people are going to spout nonsense about only children then some of us feel duty bound to challenge it.

there is an awful lot of piffle spouted about onlies - I have 1 dd and do you know what? she's just a normal child that laughs and plays and sulks and has strops and enjoys her life, I love her for what she is, I don't sit and pine about what could have been or worry about what is lacking because she hasn't got siblings, I live in the here and now

op, sounds like you both want another so go for it and see what happens, good luck and hope you get the outcome you (secretly know) you want

It's hard - we agonised (DD1 was 4 and a bit when DD2 was born). But in the long run I think that I knew that when I was older I would have regretted letting fear hold me back. I also (very selfishly!) would like to be a grandma and I think if you only have one child, that's a lot of pressure to put on them!

Brilliant reason for not having an only, Brams! Now you can put pressure on two kids to provide you with grandkids

my dd has already said she aint having any after hearing how they come out

Don't worry about the gaps, mine are 11 and four, one started high school, one started primary school,.....aarrrggghhhhhh!!

They fight like cat and dog, but when one does something wrong the other sticks up for the culprit

Go for it I say, you'll get by okay

I can't get my head around the notion that there are parents out there who "put pressure" on their childre for one reason or another - pressure to go to university, pressure to give them grandchildren etc.

What drives these people? I certainly can't identify with having any feelings like that towards my child, or will I ever.

I've a feeling that if you're that sort of person you;d be like it with any amount of children you had.

so far, what a pile of utter sh*t from people who are anti-onlies

some of us can't get pregnant a second time (ever thought of that one, eh?!) and there are others who actually choose to stick with one perhaps for health reasons or because they just don't want any more pregnancies or childbirthing.

some people are very narrowminded...

starwhoreswonaprize, you have not been specific on what exactly a child gains from having a sibling that cannot be sourced elsewhere?

And may I introduce myself, I would have preferred to be an only child.

"some of us can't get pregnant a second time (ever thought of that one, eh?!) and there are others who actually choose to stick with one perhaps for health reasons or because they just don't want any more pregnancies or childbirthing."

And believe or not there are some of us who have no trouble whatsoever falling pregnant, have touble-free pregnancies and births, babies who are as good as gold, ample resources to look after more than one but just don't want any more than one child!!

It may seem strange to some but it's true! I'm living proof!!

Nightshoe, I am not sure I really want to continue a conversation who would prefer their brother or sister not to exist.

The constant negotiation that a sibling brings and the acceptance of another, that does not exist in a friendship that one seeks and chooses, love, bonding etc.

Having one child is a very different parenting experience that those of us with more than one have had, therefore we may be more qualified to say that having more than one is a more rounded experience for all.

oh feck off

"Having one child is a very different parenting experience that those of us with more than one have had, therefore we may be more qualified to say that having more than one is a more rounded experience for all."

And how would you know?

The vast majority of people with more than one child have only ever had just one child for a couple of years at most.

They base all their assumptions about parents of only children on their own experiences of having just one child for a couple of years and then think that they speak with authority.

Pathetic.

And why do people feel the need to validate their own choices by disparaging other people's? To the best of my knowledge, no mother-of-one has ever turned up on the larger families thread shouting "you should have stopped at one, you know". They wouldn't be so rude or so presumptuous. Yet, just occasionally, some evangelical mother-of-two-plus turns up here to tell us that our children are, no question about it, doomed because they don't have siblings.

May I suggest that anyone tired of this joins me in the tea room for breakfast?

Oh, so its not that you haven't met anyone who would have preferred to be an only child you just wouldn't talk to them!

Also, if you want to compare "qualifications" I work in the field of child and adolescent mental health, especially family therapy. So actually, I think I am more qualified than you to talk about family dynamics

Op - I'm afraid i haven't read the whole thread (i shouldn't be on here at all - sshh) but DH and i have just decided to start ttc number 2. We have always said we wanted more than one, but i have been trying to plan it down to the last detail (not being heavily pg in summer/at christmas, worrying about dd going to school at the same time dc2 arrives etc) but decided that bugger it! We want another and we don't want a big age gap.

I am scared. I am worried that i wont love it as much as DD/more than DD, i am worried about coping financially/physically/mentally, and stupidly i am worried about losing my figure. I have just started to get a social life again and i am worried about that and i am worried about being a slave to my hormones again. All perfectly reasonable worries in their own way, but i know i will not look back on my life and wish i had a nicer figure, better social life etc but i do feel that i would regret not having more children.

That is my own situation and perspective. If you want another you will manage. Good luck

I have 3 dc. I am also an only child so have seen both sides.

First of all everyone is different. Everyone's experience given the same circumstances will provide 100 different answers of what its like.

I had a nice childhood. But it was very quiet at times. I'm a quiet sort anyway who is happy in their own company, but looking back it was very different to the lively childhood my own dc have.

I do think in retrospect I would have been more confident and willing to speak up for myself when I was younger if I'd had siblings to bounce against, as my own dc do.

Only children (well me) can feel 'older' than their years when they are growing up. They feel quite dutiful to their parents and can be quite serious souls who don't like to let their parents down. That can be a lot to shoulder when you are growing up and prone to making mistakes which seem to come under the parental microscope much, much more if you are an only child.

I grew up in the 70's when I don't think parents analysed things as much then as they do now wrt to whether being an only child was an advantage or a disadvantage.

Certainly my parents never seemed to think me being an only was of any relevance to anything. We just were what were were ie a family of 3. In a way that's good. Sometimes we overthink the pros and cons too much nowadays and beat ourselves up with grass is greener scenarios.

The logistics of managing more than one child is bound to be more tricky and I find that part hard (rewarding, but hard). My parents didn't seem to be tied in so many knots when I was growing up. Again, though that may be partly a sign of the times. Back in the 70's parental input was much more relaxed than it is today.

TsarChasm I am one of several, now with a dd and therefore can see both sides too! I'm the eldest and often felt very grown-up and that I had alot of responsibility with looking after younger siblings, especially when my mum had to go and work. I was expected to set an example to the others too.

but I agree, there didn't seem to be the angst that there is now about parenting