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One-child families

Got questions about only having one child? Find the answers here.

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Original poster

Does anyone ever have horrible thoughts about losing their only and having nothing

23 replies

lostitoday · 14/10/2009 10:48

Hi
I have been having thoughts like this and the idea has been worrying me that one day I could lose my ds and have no children at all.
I can,t imagine what a miserable existence that would be, after all I suppose if you have other children they give you something to carry on for grown up or not.
Please does anyone else with one child ever think about this.

OP posts:

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GrimmaTheNome · 14/10/2009 10:50

It crosses my mind but I don't dwell on it.

Original poster

lostitoday · 14/10/2009 10:52

I am sorry feeling quite low at the moment due to my inability to have any more dc's.

OP posts:

Jux · 14/10/2009 10:54

I'm like Grimma. I don't dwell on it.

I suspect it's completely normal to have those sort of thoughts. The important thing is to let go of them quickly, and not to let them influence your real life.

MaryAmericanSmooth · 14/10/2009 11:03

think it's quite normal..I used to think about that a lot- my brother died when he was ten and I felt very aware of the fragility of life-I also worried that ds would have the same cancer that my brother had. However I think this feeling passes,or at least the obsessing about it passes- it might cross my mind now and again, but I try not to explore it too much.

tothesea · 14/10/2009 11:06

Hi - I think like this but then am a bit of a worrier in general. I worry about him in the childminders car, when he is on his own with GP's, at nursery and just anytime when I am not there to keep an eye on him!
I try and reason it and think well I could also have two children and lose them both and have nothing.
I then give myself a shake and start berating myself for being so negative and morbid sigh... its hard living in my head sometimes

Deadworm · 14/10/2009 11:29

I'm sorry you are feeling low about this. When I start obsessing about this sort of thing it is usually a sign to me that me overall mood is getting too low.

If it is any consolation, here is a worry about having two children: if one of them were to die, it may be that I would feel devastated to the point where I was unable to be the mother I should be to the other. I might want to die myself, but would have to carry on for the other. It is quite a frightening thought, but it only has big power over me when my mood is so low that I know I have to do something about it.

MadBadandDangerousToKnow · 14/10/2009 15:03

Things like that recent tragic case where parents jumped off a cliff after their son died do remind me of this but, otherwise, I never really think about it. I don't know how (God forbid) I would cope but, then, we never really know how we would cope with any devastating event. I guess one just has to find something to get through the day.

Besides, I don't think anyone with more than one child would feel a child's death any less. It's true that they would still have another child or childen to focus on but, as Deadworm says, even that could be fraught with difficulty.

sixfoldwaitingtime · 14/10/2009 15:06

Yes, I do. It's one of the reasons I really wanted to have two - but I'm fairly old, and am now coming to terms with the fact that I probably won't.

Like Mary AS, there are quite a few dead children in my family (I had a sister who died at birth, and my mother had a brother who died) and I've had two miscarriages, so I feel that death is always very near.

daisy99divine · 14/10/2009 15:07

I think the feeling is a common horror but far from restricted to mothers of one child.

I have two dear friends who died they both had siblings. Their mothers have both suffered vastly in vastly different ways

You only have to look at the bereavement thread to realise that it is not the number of children that matters (and I know that is not what you are saying OP) it is simply how you visualise the impossible to visualise

I suggest you try to shake it off and concentrate on dealing with the low feelings that lead you to think like this in the first place.... and have a lovely bath/ glass of wine or whatever else you might do to pick youselfe up. And then hug your DC and remember it hasn't happened
take care of yourself

Bucharest · 14/10/2009 15:08

I think everyone does. But I also think parents of 3, 4, 5 and more children also have the same fears about losing one or all of their children.

A dear friend of mine has lost a child, and in all honesty, the fact that she has 2 more hasn't helped her come to terms with her loss.

Miggsie · 14/10/2009 15:09

Yes, it happened to someone I know, she was too old to have another, I am too old to have another...

I do think of it occasionally, but in the end you have to push it down inside and get on with the things.

The chances of losing a child prior to adulthood are now mercifully low.

Adryath · 14/10/2009 18:41

Losing a child is a truly horrific and dreadful thought but one that does cross peoples minds.

I honestly don't think that anything can be a consolation to you if you lose a child - no matter how many of them you have.

I don't think that the life of a mother who has lost her only child would be more dreadful than the life of a mother who has lost one of her children but has others.

I think it would be utterly devastating on a daily basis whatever.

UniS · 14/10/2009 19:30

Its thought that surfaces occasionally, recently DH was asked about this when he asked for " the snip".
Should the worst happen we would cope with it somehow, and we are not to know how unless it happens.
I guess I file it with the "what if DH died" question and others of that ilk and actually don;t think it very much.

zazen · 15/10/2009 10:17

Of course, but I don't own DD, and I can't stop her from dying. So I file it in "Things I can do very little about", and get on with "Things I can do something about".

I have lots of family dead also, my dad and sister, my god father, some cousins, most of my aunts and uncles, and all my grand parents. So I know that death is inevitable, and not worth fighting in your mind IYSWIM.

We don't own each other - we have no rights to a long and happy life, for ourselves or for anyone else - we just have to live in the now, and try and make the now the best we can.

Cherish your time together.

SingleMum01 · 06/11/2009 22:27

Lostittoday - absolutely, worry about it all the time. I'm a worrier though anyway. I appreciate every minute I have with my DS. I'm too old now to have any others. Life wouldn't be worth living, but its best not to dwell.

On the plus side though because there are only me and my DS we are very close and that's very special.

All you can do is appreciate what you have now.

muggglewump · 13/11/2009 20:36

I was sterilised last year, by choice and so thought about this.

I know the only child I ever want to be a parent to is DD.
If she died, I'd still be her parent, albeit not actively, and I know another child could never, ever replace her.

I have heard of women wanting more children as they are no longer a Mum, but I know I am a Mum forever, and by choice, only ever to DD.

Kitchens · 02/01/2010 19:03

Yes. I think it's normal. But I do think about it alot because it would destroy me.

notsosure · 02/01/2010 23:51

I have one DD but come from a large
family.

I would have loved to have 2 children, but it didn't work out. DD is now 6 and I'm too old to have more. I love having just DD and I've got used to it being "enough" (even though it's hard I know that mums of more kids have their stresses and challenges)

I think I was more worried about "what ifs" when she was just born (I'd had a miscarriage and had trouble conceiving for 18 months, so I knew how precious she was).

I think I just "get on with it" but am mindful of the general risks life presents.
My cousin died when she was 24, which was totally unexpected and devestated our family. This was 20 years ago and still painful, but now I think that stastically it is so unusal I can't worry about "what ifs". Live life to the full wherever possible.

I don't think there are any guarantees in life, so no matter how many children you had, you wouldn't guarantee anything to take away pain if 1 of those children died (like other people have just said on this thread).

sorry to go on too much

notsosure

Kitchens · 03/01/2010 10:55

My husbands brother died when he was 16. He was run over .... but his mum had 3 other children ... which means she has her kids around at birdays/christmas/easter and other times and the youngest daughter still lives at home anyway so I think you can take comfort in your kids if you have more children it's only natural that you would.

BelleDameSansMerci · 03/01/2010 11:00

I think about this a lot - although less now than when she was a baby. DD is now 2.3. I think Zazen's post was very helpful in putting things into perspective for me. I hadn't really thought about these feelings logically before.

I can't imagine life without my DD now and I don't think I'll be having any more (too old, can't afford it, single parent, etc).

notsosure · 03/01/2010 21:51

I also think Zazen's post is beautiful. It is difficult, but "living in the now" is a great philosophy.

Baconsarnie · 03/01/2010 22:25

I think about this all the time. In fact, it's one reason I'd like another child, despite being too old, not really being able to afford it, etc. So that I would have no choice but to go on if the worst happened to DS1. I realise this is selfish, morbid and irrational. Am hoping the feeling recedes as he gets older.

dearprudence · 03/01/2010 22:45

Well I've worried about this too. I worry about everything actually. But here's my weird logic.

If DS died, I wouldn't have to go on for another child - I could go with him, if I chose.

Plus, if I had another child I'd love him/her as much as DS, so I would want to spare them the pain of losing a sibling. I can take the pain of being childless in order to spare my (non-existent) child.

Told you it was weird. In the end, you have to learn to be thankful for what you have and not worry about what might come. Easier said than done, I know.

Plus, I know that this type of negative thinking can be a sign of more general anxiety or depression, which can be treated, or managed.

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