I can,t take having an only child I hate it

[mindscape]

I don,t really know why I feel like this now and how it came to this.
I have a ds who is an only and he is 8 years old.
About 2 years ago I started to feel that ds should have had company around him in the way of a sibling however it turned out to be too late for me as I was by then it seems suffering from infertility problems.
I may have tried sooner for another dc but dp was not keen on another dc anyway so stupid me didin,t push it as I should have.
Now just over two years later I have realised that I should never have let ds be an only like this.
I am getting intensely jealous and feel truly awful when I see other children playing with siblings and sharing family days out.
My ds is not outgoing and can be shy he has no cousins of his age to play with and basically no friends.
He has some friends at school but they are just people he sees at school.
I am shy and ds's dad is a introvert type and I am sure that we are not doing ds any favours but I can,t seem to change and give ds a good social life.
I have tried forging relationships in the way of playdates for ds and he has had a fair few but I have given up of late as its all been one sided and nobody ever takes an interest in inviting ds.
My ds has difficulty going with the flow on the odd occasions that he has played with nieghbourhood children and they have just turned against him and now nobody ever calls for him.
I hate the fact that he doesn,t have a brother, sister, to help him along can,t help but feel that he would have been more outgoing with a brother or sisiter to do stuff with.
I just don,t know how I should be parenting an only and I am finding it very intense and awkward.
Ds has spent most of the time on his own this holiday.
I have tried to encourage him inot friendships with nieghbourhood children but he soon goes off them and even if he does suddenly decide that he wouldn,t mind playing with them again he is too shy to call for them.
I just don,t know what is right by him any more.
He has been in beavers only to give it up, and generally he can be extremely awkward about joining anything as I think it worries him meeting new people but he is generally okay once he has been once but the getting him there is a nightmare.
I know that he needs toughening up and to not be so much of a whiner but how do I do it.
At the moment I just feel like throwing him into every club going to try and stop him from turning out like me.
I suppose the bottom line is that he wouldn,t have been like this if he had not of been an only.
I know that I need to sort out my own shyness on this one but I just don,t seem to have it in me.
His dad never joins in any social events however he has no desire to be any different but I don,t want to be like it for the sake of my ds.
I wish that I could get a network of friends with onlies going ro help me feel better as I feel so lonely about this.
I feel so useless and reading on here about other one parnet familes has made me realise that at least others have got it all sussed with their only.
help me please I am getting more and more depressed.

OP - I know how you feel and could have written this thread myself 3 yrs ago about my DD (then 4).

I realised I was doing her no good at all and forced myself into speaking to some of the mums at the school gates where I found my best friend. Her DD is in my DD's class and they are now best friends too. We go everywhere together, even going on holiday together this year (had a fab time!).

I do agree on the only child thing. DD is now 7 and I really do feel that she would have (still might if possible) prospered from having a sibling. I'm an only child and have never wanted siblings but she is a completely different kettle of fish. Always wanting someone to play with, talk to, etc. She has me and DH of course, but I do feel she may be missing out.

What I'm trying to say is push yourself. You know that you're doing your son a disservice so take a deep breath and go for it, even just saying hello to someone you've never spoken to can get you everywhere.

Good luck x

Mindscape - I really feel for you.
Please try and stop despairing and think to yourself that things can change - and by acknowledging that perhaps they need to change - then thats the first step. So thats positive. Because you're feeling so negative right now and guilty - you wont be able to summon up the energy to make changes very easily as you already sound drained...

I really recommend that you see a counsellot and address your root problems - which seem to be your guilt about your son, your own 'shyness' etc. The counselling will really help you to feel better about yourself and much more positive. You can then start making some positive changes. Honestly, please believe me that you could change how you are feeling in a very short space of time, and then start showing great examples to your son of being more sociable etc and having more social confidence. Its so easy to shy away from social situations - and it takes some guts to actually address the problems - but if and when you do, you will see tremendous benefits for you and your son.. good luck in whatever you try..

I could have written the original post a year ago After a MC after a year of TTC (am still on that rollercoaster now!!) I started to feel terribly guilty for DD and started almost looking for problem with her socialisation. I have lots of friends from all stages of my life but find it really hard to talk to the mums at the school and shy away from social events where I dont know many people. A few episodes of seeing DD being shy and cautious set massive alarm bells ringing in my head.

We decided to sign her up to a dance class in the hope that she would make friends and it would 'force' her to socialise. We even specifically signed her up for a dance class where parents werent allowed in to make sure she had to make friends (how mean?!). After a few weeks of seemingly enjoying it she went a bit quiet and I pressed her to tell me what was wrong- she said "I just want to be a normal kid mummy. I dont want to go dancing, I just want to play with my barbies on my own like a normal kid". I will never forget those words- I was forcing her to be something or someone she didnt even want to be. Now I try to encourage her to do fun things she wants to do whether its on her own, with a friend or with us- she takes the lead and I let her do whatever she wants to do. She writes songs, reads books, she makes elaborate games with barbie dolls, collects worms in the garden, goes out on her scooter- all in her own company. She is quite popular too and when kids on the estate call round, she very often turns them away cos she is busy I have desperately tried to encourage her to be confident, self reliant.

I guess a year ago, I was so desperately unhappy with having an only child and ~I think I projected some of those feelings onto DD, whereas really she was quite happy with the situation. I think really she almost needed someone to 'confirm' to her that it was ok to enjoy her own company and play alone as long as she was having fun. Whereas at the time I was so neurotic about her being alone, she never had a chance to be happy with the situation. I was constantly telling her to call for friends, arranging play dates with kids from school she didnt even know or like and taking her to classes she hated.

I wanted to offer my experience as an alternative picture. Having an only child isnt always a choice and when something is forced onto you you have to grieve for the thing you have lost/cant have. Having an only child can be mega positive- we have holidays abroad that are relaxing and peaceful and DD is well balanced and polite. It took me a long time to see the positives but now that I have, DD is a changed child. My acceptance of the situation has relaxed everything including her. It is down to you to 'create' a confident well balanced child. I have had to work really hard at it and there has been a lot of guilt and tears. I hope that you can acheive the same because I know how hard it can be.

I must say, I have found opinions on MN incredibly helpful. I have scoured this board and parenting boards.

HTH

Mindscape you have written a lot of posts about your anxiety about your son's 'only' status. It's good that you post and get new perspectives on your problem but I think/hope you are beginning to realise that it is your perspective on your son's situation that is mainly the problem not his 'only' status. My own opinion is that you need to start looking for your own happiness rather than your son's.

Helenmeg and littletortie's posts were lovely and so spot on. Why don't you see if you can get some counselling from your GP? It's nothing to be ashamed of, there are lots of people on MN having counselling. You don't have to tell anyone in real life if you are bashful about it, not even your DH. Speaking as the daughter of a depressed and anxious mother I can vouch for how that has affected my outlook on life at times. What you model to your children is far more important than how many children they play with. I don't mean to make you feel guilty about being depressed and anxious, what I am trying to say maybe in a clumsy way is that it is OK for you to look after yourself as this will also have a positive affect on your son.

I have just read this thread and wanted to pitch in to say I am having counselling at the moment, for anxiety which has become a problem since having DD. Although it was really scary seeking help, the second I walked through the door for my first session I felt lighter. You have a responsibility to your kids to be the best you can (I think) and I agree with the more helpful and constructive posts which are encourgaing you to start by thinking about yourself, and your own anxiety about social situations. You sound like a really caring, concerned parent and that is a great start. Best of luck.

mindscape, your DS sounds just like my eldest and he is one of 3.

He has a sister very close in age and she doesn't help him to socialise in any way. He is 10, has never had one particular friend, never gets invited to playdates, has rarely received party invitations.

I have to say it seems to bother me far more than him, he's happy to spend playtimes strolling about the playground thinking. (Yes, I've watched him over the fence ).

So don't beat yourself up about him being an only.

I'm the middle one of three. My younger sister and I are outgoing, gregarious types and my older brother is so socially introverted that he suffers from occasional panic attacks, anxiety etc.

In a way, it's almost worse for him as a shy person with two outgoing sisters, as people look at us and say 'why's he like that then?' which I suspect has made him feel worse over the years.

My brother has a lovely partner, great kids and he enjoys his job, and he is still good friends with the same group of lads he first met in primary school. He's a very interesting person, really well read etc and passionate about music.

I'd say, cultivate your child's interests etc and although it's hard, try not to worry about his ability to socialise. Some people simply don't or won't socialise and prefer to be alone or with select friends, doing the things they really enjoy. It is no barrier to having a fulfilling life, kids of your own etc.

I actually get a bit dispirited with the current trend of 'socialise or die' as espoused by facebook etc. I'm tired of being asked on nights out along with a bunch of strangers on my friend's emailing list. There's a lot to be said imo for spending your time with exactly who you like - and if that's your own company then so be it.

mindscape, you sound exactly like me and my husband. I am painfully shy and terrible at socialising, my husband is also very shy and not sociable at all. We have an only child a 6 year old girl, she is also quite shy but a happy little girl. She does find it abit hard to make friends but she has some at school and she has 1 out of school friend who she sees once a week. She also does a dance class but that's about it. She seems happy to do just that one and she told me she doesn't want to do any other class so I assume she is happy and I leave it at that. I always worry like you that I don't want her to take after me or my husband as we are not sociable at all. The interesting thing is that I am one of 3 children, the youngest and my husband is the second youngest of 4 children and we still experienced very lonely childhoods unable to make friends at school as we were both painfully shy, so the only child thing is simply not true. I thing we have certain characters already built in that we inherit from our own parents regardless of siblings. The best I can do is try and sort myself out as I am really suffering with anxiety and depression as I feel so lonely myself, I find it so hard to chat to the other mums at school and even if I do I feel like I am on the outside looking in, it really is a lonely feeling, I hate it. If anyone has any advice for me I would greatly appreciate it. I also have very low self esteem.

Your posts make for very upsetting reading.

From reading what you say I think you have many issues in your life that maybe need unpacking and addressing with the help of someone who is trained to help you.

I fear that if you don't address them and at least try to resolve them out a positive outcome it could seriously affect your child.

I don't want this to sound patronising but your posts are terribly negative and I'm wondering if that negativity comes across in your interations with your child...? If you can honestly say that you feel it does then I feel that you owe it to your child, and possibly to your DH too, to address your problems sooner rather than later.

Is there are a possibility that you may be depressed and that's affecting the way that you look at the world with a "glass half empty" rather than a "glass half full" mentality?

I know that deep down not everyone enjoys the experience of having an only child (particualrly if it's arisen due to circumstances outside of their control) but you really do sound very, very down indeed.

Please try and find someone to talk to about what you're feeling, even if it's only your GP in the first instance. You never know what help could be out there for you and perhaps now you just can't see the wood for the trees so to speak.

I hope you can get past these dark times and arrive at a place where you can enjoy your life with your child.

Good luck

Littletortie

Although it wasnt addressed to me - your post has helped me so much!! Thanks. I too am just going through a phase with DS (nearly 6) where I am worried on his behalf about him being an only child -and have been trying to pressurise him into inviting friends home etc. Your post has helped me so much to put it in perspective and stop trying to push my anxieties upon him. He is fine - it's all about me!! I will revisit your post as and when I need to cos it inspired me so much..

Hello Mindscape

Are you ok..? How are you feeling - just wanted to add you are certainly not the only one who feels the way you do. You are not alone..but we can all help each other -so pleased I found your post but would love to know if you are feeling a little better at having read some of these great posts.

Mindscape - just had another idea - if you dont like the idea of taking counselling for how you feel, you could always take a counselling course - i.e. learn how to be a counsellor. You can do them by distance learning i.e. studying at home. This is what I did, am currently on my second course in Cognitive Behavioural Counselling. It is great because it helps you address your own problems and to understand them. Makes you feel you are not completely odd to suffer from anxiety and social phobias. Its very common..