I can,t take having an only child I hate it

[mindscape]

I don,t really know why I feel like this now and how it came to this.
I have a ds who is an only and he is 8 years old.
About 2 years ago I started to feel that ds should have had company around him in the way of a sibling however it turned out to be too late for me as I was by then it seems suffering from infertility problems.
I may have tried sooner for another dc but dp was not keen on another dc anyway so stupid me didin,t push it as I should have.
Now just over two years later I have realised that I should never have let ds be an only like this.
I am getting intensely jealous and feel truly awful when I see other children playing with siblings and sharing family days out.
My ds is not outgoing and can be shy he has no cousins of his age to play with and basically no friends.
He has some friends at school but they are just people he sees at school.
I am shy and ds's dad is a introvert type and I am sure that we are not doing ds any favours but I can,t seem to change and give ds a good social life.
I have tried forging relationships in the way of playdates for ds and he has had a fair few but I have given up of late as its all been one sided and nobody ever takes an interest in inviting ds.
My ds has difficulty going with the flow on the odd occasions that he has played with nieghbourhood children and they have just turned against him and now nobody ever calls for him.
I hate the fact that he doesn,t have a brother, sister, to help him along can,t help but feel that he would have been more outgoing with a brother or sisiter to do stuff with.
I just don,t know how I should be parenting an only and I am finding it very intense and awkward.
Ds has spent most of the time on his own this holiday.
I have tried to encourage him inot friendships with nieghbourhood children but he soon goes off them and even if he does suddenly decide that he wouldn,t mind playing with them again he is too shy to call for them.
I just don,t know what is right by him any more.
He has been in beavers only to give it up, and generally he can be extremely awkward about joining anything as I think it worries him meeting new people but he is generally okay once he has been once but the getting him there is a nightmare.
I know that he needs toughening up and to not be so much of a whiner but how do I do it.
At the moment I just feel like throwing him into every club going to try and stop him from turning out like me.
I suppose the bottom line is that he wouldn,t have been like this if he had not of been an only.
I know that I need to sort out my own shyness on this one but I just don,t seem to have it in me.
His dad never joins in any social events however he has no desire to be any different but I don,t want to be like it for the sake of my ds.
I wish that I could get a network of friends with onlies going ro help me feel better as I feel so lonely about this.
I feel so useless and reading on here about other one parnet familes has made me realise that at least others have got it all sussed with their only.
help me please I am getting more and more depressed.

My shyness holds me back maybe if dh was outgoing I would pluck up the courage more but he won,t do anything with us.
Therefore its going to be me on my own.
I would like to get us involved in things but I am even too shy to get on the telephone about things.
Oh god I hate myself so much.
I agree that I need to get out there and make friends or else this will never change.

Who are your friends? Can they come over to start the ball rolling. Can they help? It doesn't have to be friends with children just start to make a buzz in the house. You don't have to be very social as you'll be so busy cooking and making sure your guest have a drink and comfortable. We don't have matching plates and neither do our friends take us as you find us sort of feel. My close friend just get everything from M&S £10.00 deal. She really can't cook but doesn't care.

I don,t have any starbear.
Tell a lie I have one somebody I used to work with who I see at least once a week usally to go shopping.
She has occasionally asked me along to things with her and her sister and I am ashamed to say I declined because it usually means meeting the sisiters friends who I don,t know and I can,t face it.
I always end up been on the outside of conversations I find it difficult to work my way in with something useful to contribute to the conversation and end up on the sidelines.
I hate that feeling its horrible when your gradually going out of the conversation and everyones talking.

Just to offer an alternative point of view - not everyone needs a huge circle of friends. Some people are natural loners, and are happy with their own company.

If you and DS are not social because you are happy as you are, and are not looking for a big group of friends and a busy social life, then you need to realise that everyone is different and it is ok for you to live your life the way you want to, not the way you think it should be.

However, I do think that if you and/or your DS are feeling lonely or unhappy with your situation, then yes, you need to try to address it and push yourself out there. It does get easier the more you do it. I am shy and have had to work on social skills a lot for work etc, and I can testify that if you just go for it and practice doing it, it will get easier.

For you DS, I agree with the other advice given already to get him into a club doing something he is keen on - then he will meet like-minded people of his own age on a smaller scale than school where friendship groups have already been formed.

Good luck

I am a typical loner who isn't really interested in having loads of friends. DH and I have a few couples we see sometimes, but I don't have a so-called 'best friend' or a girly group. I'm just not interested in that sort of thing. I am more about family, less about friends. Some people are the other way round, but it takes all sorts and if you are someone who just doesn't enjoy big social activities or girly nights out (ugh!) then that's ok!

Figure out what you DO like and focus on that. You can live a very full life without a huge circle of friends. You can still be social, going to classes or groups where you are doing something is a great way to get out without the committment of having to try to make a personal connection or meaningful conversation with someone else. You can chat if you want, or just concentrate on what you are doing, and you will always have something to talk about as you will all be there doing the same thing, so you all have that in common!

I agree with Roomfor2. I think you need to shake yourself and decide if you are happy. You don't have to be like everyone else. If you not happy then push yourself he might be disappointed at times but ignore those moments and push on. September is great time to start it has always been my New years resolution time

I agree your DS could be like this even if he wasn't an only - maybe it's his personality. I think he will make friends as he gets older and finds the right people and interests. School and clubs are very hard when you're a child because it's all about being popular and fitting in, and if you don't it can be tough and put you off even more.

I am the oldest of three and although I'm OK with my youngest sibling (who I don't see that often), I find the middle one really hard work. They want more of a relationship with me than I do with them and look up to me, and I feel constantly burdened by it and guilty at the same time. My mum was an only and totally idealises having siblings and thinks it must be the best thing ever. I would be quite happy without tbh. I know that sounds mean and I don't wish my siblings ill, but they have certainly not made my life better.

Sorry, a lot to read, but wanted to offer my support.

My soon-to-be-8yo son isn't an only child, but really really struggles socially. He wants to go to football, but doesn't join in when he gets there. The football mums are so cliquey I feel left out. That, and lots of other things, like no friends at school. I have few friends too, and feel lonely. You aren't alone in feeling like this.

I agree with Roomfor2 completely. You need to decide what actually makes you and your DS happy. Don't be tricked into the idea that to be happy and successful you must have x number of friends and do xyz with them. Look at facebook, where random people make "friends" to increase numbers rather than maintain any kind of meaningful relationship. Think about the person who always knows everyone and goes to all the parties, but how well do they actually know all of these people? Friendships are not about numbers or about ticking boxes because people are not possessions to be acquired.

If you are unhappy because you truly would like to be much more sociable then you go for it and make some changes, but equally don't do it because you think it is what everyone else does, because I'm not convinced it is.

Just a thought - but I have found pretending to be a socially confident person useful in the past!

For your son the reason I asked if he was into wildlife is because the "only child" type of personality can be great for really developing an interest and an expertise in wildlife. I'm not saying he's the next David Attenborough but most wildlife people (including me and David Attenborough!) spent large chunks of time as a child on their own finding out about what interests them - whether its birds, woodlice, pond beasties, fossils, whatever. It's the sort of thing it is just downright difficult to do with friends.

Don't worry yourself, there are plenty of introverted, shy, self conscious and what might be considered "odd" children who have siblings, just as there are plenty of outgoing, extrovert and again what might readily be perceived as "normal" only children.

How a child turns out is down to their nature and how they are socialised. There is every possibility that your DS would still be the same even if he had siblings. It might not necessarily have made much of a differece. He will have taken a lot from you and your DH as his parents, both in terms of his genetic make-up and personality traits and from the way you bring him up too. If you are shy and retiring then there is a strong possibility that he will be the same. Monkey see and monkey do.

One thing is for sure - he will be picking up on your negative feelings about him beig an only child and that can't be doing him any good at all poor lad.

Maybe you need to sort yourself out a bit and stop thinking so negatively about your family situation - for your DS's sake as well as your own.

"the "only child" type of personality"

And what pray tell DownyEmerald is that?

I do sympathise very much - I obsess a lot about ds being an only. I get a lot of reassurance as well (though telling you 'it's in your head' isn't too reassuring - of course it's in your head, if it wasn't there would be no problem!)

I don't think people around me would call me shy - pushy would be more like it - but I loathe being in a situation where I don't have a defined role and just have to chat with people without a structure. I force myself to do it but I find it hard.

You are doing lots of good things - the dog in particular is great - we haven't been brave enough for a dog yet even though ds would love one. He might enjoy A Dog So Small by Phillipa Pearce (I think).

Do penpals still exist? - email pal I guess now? Maybe through a pet owners' club or RSPCA? would he enjoy that?

I think the football lessons are an excellent idea. Take it in stages - ask him to try doing half a term, and if he then hates it he can stop? I know what your dh means - maybe he was forced to do stuff he hated - but I think you are in the right. Consider also Cubs or Woodcraft Folk? Those are quite long-term so relationships might develop? also the activities are more structured so he learns a bit more how to work as a team with a friend?

I would defer to Bonsoir's parenting but I do think that a residential camp on his own at 8 or 9 is quite a tough call for a shy boy. If you joined in as a helper for something like the Cubs then he could have trips away with his peers but also with you there - perhaps more of a halfway house?

I hesitate to suggest all this - it's very tough on you. But you sound passionate to help your son. What a lovely mum you are - it's a shame to think so little of yourself when you have already achieved so much with him.

What about inviting a few selected boys to your house? I know this may be really difficult, but at least you could control your environment?

or what about soccer/gymnastics? When DD started ballet, her confidence increased so much. She's a very young 3 year old and now it's the opposite. She thinks everyone is her friend.

I have an only. It can cause real problems in socialisation. Like identifying themselves as mini-adults rather than children and mirroring adult neurosis. You have to be aware of that.

It's hard to get into groups as well. There is a stigma of only having one child among some parents 'that's not a proper family' - 'don't know why you bothered if you were only going to have one' 'having no kids is selfish and having one is just gross!' I've heard it all.

No matter how hard it is - you have to get out. Baby steps one at a time - they do get easier.... Go to playgrounds and get to know other mums, sign up for activities and go to fairs etc. anywhere where their are other kids. Think team sports and start inviting other families over and do stuff.

It may be bad now but it could get worse. Interaction skills are very important for kids to develop. It will help them from getting bullied and developing strategies for work.

As a clinical pyscologist (non practising) I manage staff and I can usually tell the people who grew up an only child. It does 'stunt' some people for life.

I am relieved to hear that you are a non-practising clinical psychologist; I'd hate to think what harm you could do to your clients if you were spouting this nonsense to them.

That's a bit harsh EBLS.
Serenity is sharing her experience of parenting an only and expressing her own worries/opinion.
No need to insult her

SerenityX, I've been thinking about your comments, and unless they're based on proper studies, I would say that they're unhelpful to say the least, particularly to those MNers who would love to have more than one child, but can't.
I might just as well say (and it would be true) that all the people that I know who are seriously non-functional (drug addiction, major mental health issues etc) are youngest children from large familes. That doesn't make me think that youngest children are prone to such problems, its just a statistical fluke, I would imagine, and I would never suggest to a parent with a youngest of many that they are likely to have such problems.
FWIW the only studies that I am aware of suggest that onlies, in common with oldest children, are more likely to be high earning high achievers than 2nd or later children. I believe also that most if not all presidents of the US have been onlies or oldest children.
Also FWIW I know many adult onlies (being an only myself I take note) and I would say they tend to fit that pattern, plus being more likely than the average to be in long term stable relationships from an early age.

Thank you Takver! I was taken aback by SerenityX's words, they seem so harsh, even though some of her advice is sensible. Takver your words are wise and comforting, I appreciate the trouble you have taken with your post.
I started reading this thread because I am feeling very low and anxious after a recent MC and my concerns about DD's and my social life are starting to bring me down.
I am worried about my DD who is an only and having difficulty making friends at school although she seems to be friendly with lots of children there she hasn't made the special friend that she really wants.
I too am an only and have been worrying about whether I have done all the "right" things in helping DD to socialise, join afterschool activities and clubs and maintain my own friendships, not only as a good example to DD but for my own happiness. The answer has come back to me recently as a big "no!" Time, work, life have all got away from me and I've dropped the social ball. DD isn't happy at her school, she's just started year 3 and she hates it, so I think I'm not going to bombard her with afterschool activities but arrange playdates, yes it can be very one sided but it's for her, she really enjoys having children to play with and that's what is important.
Mindscape, being shy is so difficult, it is self perpetuating and yes some people are natural loners but some are just lonely and don't know how to break out of it. All I can say is it's something that has to be worked at every day. If a person is very shy, the behaviour necessary to make friends can seem terribly alien and uncomfortable. Try practising your social skills in a small group where no one knows you, where you can try out the new behaviour without feeling self conscious (the double whammy of the chronically shy person!) The group aspect will limit the time of the social interaction, you will know when and where the group is, so no surprises or wondering how long it's going to last! Practise your new behaviour and just maybe it will gradually ease you out of the trap of shyness to the point where you are the one initiating the invitations instead of worrying about them.

Serenity I think you are perpetuating a lot of hurtful myths in what you say.

Serenity, I could be described as having an 'only-child' personality

I am however, the eldest of 4

Yes my siblings are 13 and 15 yrs older than me - what kind of personality would that make me? I grew up with siblings who had left home already but they still exist.

Utter nonsense

Serenity, if you weren't able to spell and punctuate sentences, I'd think you were the arsewit who caused me to flounce from another forum.....

But hey, moving on.....OP- what about swimming lessons for your son? I took dd for lessons this summer, and ended up sitting on the poolside bench with the other mums and you're kind of forced into a bit of social interaction with such close thigh-touching proximity...it doesn't have to form long lasting relationships, but it's a start, and I did use to come away thinking what a nice half hour chat we'd had....

I'm an only child, my dad is an only child, my daughter is an only child. She is the polar opposite of me, sociable, loves nothing more than to be in a group of friends. (I hate it. Am people-phobe, which is why I like t'net so much, I don't have to see you all) Just to show you that your son's personality is diddley squat to do with either being your son, or being an only child. He is who he is. Is he happy? Does he show distress at not having many close friends, belonging to groups etc? Or is he doing OK?

I would be wary about forcing friendships onto him. I remember my Mum, when I was little, "making" me go and play on the street with the other kids. I used to sneak back in the front door, up the stairs, grab a book and sit under the front room window until she found me and chucked me out again. She still thinks I'm weird. Maybe I am. But I was never unhappy on my own.

You obviously are, though. It seems from reading your posts that it's more a problem for you, this loneliness thing....Just one step at a time, go to the library, the park, try and start up a conversation with some other mother (or even just a normal human being ) Small steps etc.

SerenityX is not simply stating her opinions at all. She is making broad sweeping statements that she is claiming are based in fact.

She is actually talking bollocks and is no better than the morons (as we have already seen in this thread) who have actuially come out and said that such a thing as a "one-child type of personality" exists.

Pullllleeeassse, give us strength!!!!!

Go away you people and and spout your crap elsewhere.

I know that on the net we have to take it on trust that people are what they claim to be but, even so, I am wary of anyone claiming to be a psychologist who can't spell the word.