Leaving the baby zone

[Acinonyx]

My only dd is now 4 and starts school in Sep. Personally, it seemed that we (myself and other mummy cohort) all went into a 'baby zone', a kind of baby-sentred fog that seemed to start clearing when they approached 2ish. Then the other mums all had more babies and went back into the zone while I feel I am now leaving the baby zone completely.

For 4 years my social life has revolved around meeting up with my mummy friends - 9 in particular. Two are still gearing up to their second baby (dcs are younger than mine) and all the others have another one or more. I feel a little out of sync now as I am increasingly readjusting my life - in many ways - it feels as though I'm getting my life back.

I'm in a kind of limbo - neither fish nor fowl - neither a full-time working mum with work colleagues nor a mum with preschoolers. Having an only, I've got to this stage years ahead of the others. I think I'm also temperamentally more welded to my work, which is also a bit out of sync.

My ds is starting at school nursery in September and I have to admit I'm finding the thought quite hard.

I know he isn't going full time but it is going to bring on end to the comfortable routine we had going with Mums and Tot's group. He was also at Playgroup with my best friends daughter and they are going to different schools which will cut down on some of the impromptu lunches we used to do.

My main problem though is that I don't feel ready to leave this part of my life behind. I really want another child but my dh doesn't. I got quite upset about it the last week of playschool because I'm aware the situation isn't going to change and I need to accept it. I felt awful on the last day as the staff are lovely and I ended up bolting for the car park so I could burst into tears.

I know my situation is possibly different but I just identify with your feeling that you are leaving a particular stage behind.

Not so different. We wanted another child but we're not able to have one - it was very difficult getting dd.

All the dc of my friends will be going to different schools - in fact no two will be at the same school. So it will be a real parting of the ways and a different regime. The others are still on and off maternity leave or off completely - so I am increasingly out of the loop.

I think it is the fact that I don't feel ready to give this stage up myself is what is making it feel hard.

But as you said in your first post, you do start to feel as though you are getting some of your life back as they get older. I can't deny that as a non driver getting about is certainly getting easier on public transport!

I'm trying to make myself look forward rather than hankering after what will not be, but it does make me sad tbh if I allow myself to think about it.

My little one is only coming up 3 so I don't get this particular round of bittersweet turmoil though I've certainly had those feelings - giving up nappies, etc.

I hope you either find a way to keep real friendships - that seems to me to be the main thing here - that recognise you for you, not some stereotype that you'd love to fit in to. I hope with time you can be glad of no more babies, though I see a newborn now and feel real pangs, so I am not trying to say it's easy.

I hope you and dd have some lovely last summer before school memories over the next weeks.

I can identify with a lot of what OP says. I was the first of my circle of mummy friends to leave the baby zone too - partly because I knew from the outset that I wouldn't be having any more babies, so leaving the zone was a psychological thing as much as anything else.

I think it's inevitable that some friendships made in the baby zone will last, while others won't. Cherish the ones that do, as these will be the people with whom you have a bond that's more than just having a child of the same age, nice though that is.

I wonder which friendships will endure and which won't. I'm not sure I could predict that. 4 years ago, I wouldn't have predicted which of the other mums I would have got on with best.

I'm actually looking forward to dd starting school - it's exciting. I think I'm more of a child-mummy than a baby-mummy.

I understand what you mean. My dd1 started school last September and I found the transition from 'mum of pre-schooler' to 'mum of schoolchild' quite a step change and I also have 2yo dd2!

You will probably find your social life changes and may get to know other Mums at school, that's certainly my experience.

I think it is in some ways easier to make friends once your child starts school, as you have longer in which to get to know people (although in that respect I shot myself in the foot when we moved dd to a different school).

I was besotted with dd when she was a baby but I too think I'm really more of a child mummy. I like being able to have a real conversation with her. Tonight, at her instigation: why are some people right-handed and some left-handed? Neuroscience for the under-10s!

I'm having very much similar feelings as you Acinonyx. DD starts school sept, is an only as we've been unable to have another. It's the end of and era, and for me the past 4 years have been among the best of my life.
I'm going to start doing some hours at the preschool from sept, around part time shifts at my real job, as I don't feel ready to move on. Sometimes I think that's sad as DD's having to move on and I'm not.