What are the benefits of having an only child, for the child and parents?

[mummyloveslucy]

Hi, I have a 4 year old daughter and have been having fertility treatment for 6 months to try to concieve again. Now my only options sound dangerous or very costly.
I don't think it's worth risking my health to have another baby.
We did have our hearts set on another one though, and would really like positive info about only children.
My daughter has a severe speech disorder, making her very hard for me to understand let alone other people. She is being assesed by the consultant, speech therapist, educational psycologyst and physio therapist at the moment.
She is such a loving little girl and she loves babys.
I feel sad for her that she'll miss out on the chance to have a sibling, but is it a positve thing?
I just don't know what to do.

Scaryteacher - My child is much younger than yours but already making plans to inherit all my possessions. What she most wants, apparently, is my pink bra.

I think that if you wanted more than one child but are unable to then grieving and acceptance is the key.
I think that this has happened to me and now fortunately I can see the positives with having an only. I am quite selfish and I enjoy me-time so in many ways I will have more me-time with an only. (not necessarily I know) It's cheaper. No bickering. I can get my career back quickly. I find life tough enough with one - I'm not sure I could cope with two. I do feel a bit sad about it though.

I also think that we should celebrate having one child. So many people can't have any- think how they must feel.
I have a sibling but we don't get on. People who say they want to give their ds or dd a sibling really mean they want to have another child themselves. Whether or not their current child wants one is immaterial.

I'm 23 and an only child and all my life I've always wanted a sibling. I didn't mind when I was young but as I grew older I tended to feel lonely quite a bit. It totally depends on the child though. If they enjoy their own company and have lots of friends to keep them occupied then they may never feel the absence of another sibling. But in my opinion that rarely happens. Even at this age I wish I had a sibling. I guess I will just have to try and have a lot of kids so my kids are never lonely and will never feel the way I did.
If there's a choice and you are able to have more than one then I wouldn't hesitate. It might be a little more expensive but well worth it for another life. It would be the biggest gift for the child you already have. It might even keep you closer together as a family. For example they might come home more weekends from uni if they have a family to come home to rather than just the parents. They would also enjoy going on family holidays knowing that they's be able to have some fun with their sibling and there would also be that healthy competition to try and impress the parents. It's a win win situation for both you and the children.

Kassi, as an only child who wanted a sibling you have a very, very rose tinted view of what having a sibling would be like.

MamaVoo is right. I am very fond of my brother, but the age and gender gaps meant that we certainly didn't spend our childhoods skipping hand-in-hand through sunlit meadows and playing harmoniously. It is never a good idea, in my view, to have another child as a "gift" to its sibling/s. There are many good reasons to have another baby but that isn't one of them.

I am an only, and my DD is an only, through circumstances. I think the advantages are many; undivided attention, not needing to share etc. I also think that being an only is character-building in that it fosters independence through having to rely on one's own resources.

However, it can make things like bereavement and family crises more difficult because an only is less likely to have support. I found this when my mother died - trying to cope single-handedly with other grieving relatives, trying to sort out the will etc, and bringing up a toddler was difficult when I was trying to come to terms with my mother's death myself. I also felt that, when I was little, i was the focus of negative attention from my mother in particular, and never felt that I lived up to expectations.

Having said that, I never wanted a sibling and I am quite happy as I am. DD seems happy too - she's happy and resourceful, gets on with things and is satisfied with her friends as company. I worry that we'll be a burden on her as we get old, but I am trying to resist the temptation to live vicariously through her and have expectations of her that are too high.

That's exactly how I feel, FedUp.

Did Gunner used to have a different name? I seem to recognise her posts.

I know several people who don't have an only by choice, and are perfectly happy with it. In one case, they tried unsuccessfully to conceive a second for a year, realised they were actually very happy as they were, and at that point gave up ttc. they were still fairly young - never regretted it. In two other cases the man wanted no kids and the woman wanted 2plus, so they compromised on one - I'd have thought that was a recipe for disaster, but those are very happy families. Of course, I guess if the woman was that determined on more kids the relationship would have ended, but actually I think they found they really enjoyed one child and benefitted in many, many ways in being able to pursue interests and careers.

I think a good analogy is the gender of your children - most people may have a preference, but are able to accept what they get, and don't end up conceiving more and more children, or "grieving" for the gender they never had. That is life after all - we adapt.

I also know of some people driving themselves nuts ttc a third or fourth child, because only three or four children is a "family" - so it's not only an issue about one-child families. It's about expectations and the ability to adapt.

As for benefits of only child - one huge one that hasn't been mentioned for the parents is some time to nurture their own relationship. And that makes for a happier family, and so is good for the child too. :)

I think a good analogy is the gender of your children - most people may have a preference, but are able to accept what they get, and don't end up conceiving more and more children, or "grieving" for the gender they never had. That is life after all - we adapt. ..... It's about expectations and the ability to adapt.

Exactly - I wish I had said that as succinctly!

We have an only DD by choice and life is certainly less hectic than other families, less noise in the house too and we manage to drink hot coffee in one go and read the newspaper in (relative) peace. We're able to take off and do things spontaneously and mornings are not a frantic rush to get ready and out. We're not financially stretched and can do loads of child-focussed activities but DH and I have plenty of adult time too as childcare easy to arrange. The key thing for us was to ensure DD had/has plenty of friends so we put her into daycare early on and at (nearly) 3 she has a good group of same-age friends and knows how to play with others and share her toys. But she loves coming home to play on her own with her own things after a day with others. She's very good at playing on her own. We can afford to remain in London (our choice) as we don't need more than a 3-bed house.

I was an only too and very happy and independent. My parents had spare cash to take us on holidays abroad each year and pay for my education and help me buy my first house.

Am very happy with my our family of three.

i only have one child, my ds is 8, and i never really contemplated having another. both me and dh are more than happy that we have our ds and we can do sooo much more than friends who have 2 or 3 kids purly due to cost aspect!!

numerous time my son has come home from friends houses and stated"i'm glad i'm an only child!!" because his friends have been fighting with their siblings. i do have to have a bit of a giggle at that as he sounds so much older than he is!!

like some people have said , during school holdays things do have to be arranged with friends but alot of the time my ds is quite happy with just me and him. or his dad.

i don't feel he has missed out on anything being an only child - tho my mil was an only and she really wanted a sibling so couldn't quite understand when we said we didn't want anymore she thought it was unfair on ds!!!!

i think at the end of the day everybody is different and you have to do what you feel is right for you and your family, there are positives and negatives no matter what you decide to do, and they are different for each one of us!!

I'm an only myself and wouldn't really have it any other way. I do think most people find it difficult to think outside their own experiences.

DH has a brother and he gets worried that DS (an only) will be bored when we go on holiday because he won't have anyone to play with. That's because his experience was that he always played with his brother, and the one time his brother wasn't there he was bored and lonely.

Whereas my experience of always being on my own was that within five minutes of getting anywhere I'd made a friend or two to hang out with for the rest of the holiday.

I'm also much better than DH at making my own entertainment ? travelling with him is a bit like travelling with a small child as he wants to be entertained constantly!

Rhian82 - can I just say thank you for your post - my dd sounds just like you as a child, she is great at making new friends and to know you look back with fondness is very reassuring!

Perhaps I am too late to join this thread, but I'm glad I found it !

I only want to have one child.

We are in the process of trying & apart from having twins , we only intend to have one.

I am happy to read the mosty positive posts from people who are only children & from other people who only have one (for what ever reason).

It's helped me to know that I'm doing the right thing for our circumstances.

Thanks everyone.

Actually, I just want to chime in with my thanks for this thread too.

We have Dd, who is marvellous. Started ttcing this year, but them some rather grim fertility issues have hoved into view. We've still got a little bit further to go before deciding/finding out if we can have another, but until then, it's good to read about people happy with their one child family.

This is a great thread, very reassuring

We have one ds who is the light of our lives, we only ever wanted one child and we are lucky to have our happy healthy beautiful boy. I do not agree with you Gunnerbean that the vast majority of people want more than one child, I don't understand why you are so emphatic about this especially as you keep insisting that this does not apply to you. Hhmmmm...