What are the benefits of having an only child, for the child and parents?

[mummyloveslucy]

Hi, I have a 4 year old daughter and have been having fertility treatment for 6 months to try to concieve again. Now my only options sound dangerous or very costly.
I don't think it's worth risking my health to have another baby.
We did have our hearts set on another one though, and would really like positive info about only children.
My daughter has a severe speech disorder, making her very hard for me to understand let alone other people. She is being assesed by the consultant, speech therapist, educational psycologyst and physio therapist at the moment.
She is such a loving little girl and she loves babys.
I feel sad for her that she'll miss out on the chance to have a sibling, but is it a positve thing?
I just don't know what to do.

lovely post nessus

Hi Mulanmum

I agree with you. This can be a fairly unhappy palce and I think that is due in no small part to the fact that for the vast majority of people who have one child it is something they didn't chose.

Gunnerbean

I am thrilled that your freely-made decision to have one child has worked for you and it's always good to hear of your experiences.

But please allow me to speak frankly. I fear another reason this may sometimes be an unhappy place (not that I necessarily agree that it is) is that you insist on stating or implying that people who have one child when they hoped to have more have been dealt a blow by life from which they'll never recover. Piling on the gloom is not, in my view, helpful. Most people have disappointments in their life of one kind or another. Most people come to terms with it and move on.

Hi MadBadandDangeroustoKnow. If a woman wanted to have more than one child but couldn't then it is clearly and understandably a huge disappointment to her.

It's not a disappointment like being gazumped on your dream home, or not getting a job you really wanted or even your parner leaving you. It runs much deeoper than that. IMHO, it is indeed the sort of dasappointment that you learn to live with, learn to accept or resign yourself to. It wil be the sort of disappointment that will resurface at times - may be not often and will probably always be there to a lesser or greater extent too.

People come to terms with all sorts of shit that life throws at them. It doesn't necessarily preclude them from enjoying their lives and I said that.

There would be no shame in a woman admitting that the disappointment of not having the number of children you would have ideally liked does cause her to feel sad or regretful at what might have been at times. How they handle that will affect different individuals in different ways.

I am simply being honest and speaking frankly about the way I see it.

I have never had such thoughts myself as my one child family is my personal choice, but I'm sure that women who have found themselves in the positsion I'm referring to might be able to relate to what I've said in some way.

From Gunnerbean - I am simply being honest and speaking frankly about the way I see it.

Yes, of course you are. But what you are pontificating about is something that I have experienced. That's why I'm perplexed by your repeated assertions that women in my situation are doomed to a lifetime of regret and pain (I paraphrase somewhat). They aren't. Nor do they need to be told that they are, especially if they are still coming to terms with it.

We'll have to agree to disagree on this one.

Hi MadBadandDangeroustoKnow.

I can fully understand that my honesty has been a bit close to home for you and if I have upset you in any way I'm truly sorry - I really am.

I just think that all too often people try to lump everyone who has a one child family into one big group and the experiences of people like you, and people like me are bound to be vastly different because one set has chosen to have one and the other has not.
That does make a huge difference.

To be quite honest, it's not an issue that I had ever given that must thought to in the past but my thoughts on the matter have crystalised as a result of reading this board and reading different peoples' experiences and stories.

I think the point I have made is a valid one and one worth making on a board dedicated to the subject of one child families, that's all.

From Gunnerbean - I can fully understand that my honesty has been a bit close to home for you and if I have upset you in any way I'm truly sorry - I really am.

Err, no. My whole point (such as it is) is that your depiction of not-by-choice one child families is not at all close to home for me; it is so far from my home that I scarcely recognise it. I'm not upset, just puzzled that you feel qualified to make such sweeping statements about something of which you have no experience. Your are honestly stating your view, but that view is mere speculation, since this is not something you have lived through.

Hurrah for one child families, however they come about. I'm going back to swig champagne in the tea room.

Err, well MadBadandDangeroustoKnow it very clearly is close to home for you - you may not care to acknowledge that - but your defensive and very prickly stance bears testament to the fact that it very much is. I think you illustate my point quite nicely about how this issue is always there bubbling under - you may not even be aware of how much it actually does bother you but it clearly bothers you.

Anyway, I think now I've finally concluded that a board like this is a pretty pointless place to be for someone like me.

It seems to me to be predominantly a place where people come to either cheer themselves up about only having one child, or to seek affirmation from others in the same boat (and roughly 99.9% of people here seem to be those who wish they could have more children but can't for various reasons) who are constantly spelling out the reasons to them why having only one child needn't be the end of the world!

As I've no need of any such advice or counselling - I'm out of here.

We also have one child and consider ourselves blessed to have her. We had thought we would never even have one, so are delighted with her. I had never thought of having more than one, but liked it so much that I changed my mind and tried again; but no luck. Of course I am sad but am certainly not going to spend my life regretting it. You get through feelings and move on.

Having one child is wonderful and has many positives, as listed above by Tea (although not sure about the strip clubs).

I had a sister, with whom I was never at all close as a child; I really enjoyed her absenses and we had nothing in common. To a large extent I grew up as an only child.

I had many crosses to bear as a child, too, which I felt very keenly, the main one being not having a pony. I never wanted a younger sibling but for a while invented an older brother called Fergus. I got over both issues and am abolutely certain that I will get over this one.

(I do agree that this thread can be a bit depressing, so mainly stay in the tea room, which is never depressing. Although sometimes bizarre.)

Just thought of something - I have a friend who was an only child and feels sorry for her elder daughter for her missing out on the time, attention and fun friend had while growing up as an only.

Ah, Gunnerbean. Thank you so much for your insights. Clearly I have no understanding of my mental state, whereas you with your clairvoyant gifts know exactly what is going on in my messed-up little head. Obviously, you have been right all along. Everyone who has one child not through free choice is a seething mass of resentment and, if they suggest that you might be just a teensy bit mistaken in this, that is further evidence of how screwed up they are.

I am now enlightened.

Ah Gunnerbean. Thank you for your insights. Clearly I have no understanding of my mental state whereas, with your clairvoyant gifts, you know exactly what is going on in my messed-up little head. I now see you were right all along. All parents of one child not through choice are a seething mass of resentment and, if they dare to suggest that you might be a teeny bit mistaken in this, that is further proof of how screwed-up they are.

Rats. First post got lost in ether and has now resurfaced.

[Hides thread.]

MadBad, come back to the tea room. It's not always nice out here.

MLL - I have a friend who has an only, he is now 5. She did conceive again but it turned out to be a molar pg, and she was unlucky every step of the way from thereon in - after her D&C she needed chemo to remove all molar cells; she had a very bad reaction to the MTX (mild) chemo that they normally use and had to go on to actinomycin D - which she also had an unusually bad reaction to. She was sick as a dog, thought she would prefer to die etc etc. She is now recovered but under NO circs will she ever try and conceive naturally again, in case she should have another molar pg.

She and her DH explored all available avenues - surrogacy, genetic testing etc. and it became obvious that they weren't going to work out - so they gave up on the idea. She has no problem with it - but her DS has 2 cousins to whom he is quite close and I think this might make a difference in terms of the child's reaction to being an only - they still have the playmate aspect but also get the undivided attention of their parents - best of both worlds!

I hope you find some peace within yourself - I think the most important thing is not to worry about your DD "missing out" as she might well thank you later for not saddling her with a sibling! My mum could never understand why I wasn't grateful to be landed with twin sibs (b & g)!

I'm sure MadBad knows exactly how she feels about her situation, and doesn't need any head-on-the-side, patronising "I know you better than you know yourself" commentary.

Just wanted to stand up in defense for the one child area on MN. Despite Gunnerbean's protestations on the clear black and white mental state that parents of one child families must feel , I don't believe this is about whether you chose to have one or not. I think it's a great plac to come to discuss why in the wider world, one child families are sometimes regarded as 'not complete'. However you come to having one child (for me, by choice) you still face the inevitable 'so when are you having the next one' and this can occasionally cause confusion or even guilt in the stringest of us. So 3 cheers for a place where we can share this and hopefully resolve to say hooray for families of all sizes, including our wonderful ones!

BTW Gunnerbean, if you do come back, I've previously had a lot of time for your postings and felt your confidence has been to your credit but I think you should perhaps read your postings on here again. I think I would have been rather offended by your responses.

"MadBad, come back to the tea room. It's not always nice out here"

That's probably because so many of you are in the ruddy tearoom instead of making positive contributions to this topic! Many times a new poster comes onto this board and starts a thread but gets few replies because you're all quaffing champers in your imaginery tearoom!

I once made a plea that the tearoom is only plugged once per thread and folk got very upset about it. One tearoom regular wrote "I feel safer in here" . That's because it's not real!!

madbad you tried valiantly! My goodness Gunnerbean but you were obtuse on this thread!

Madbad was making valid points about her experience of your view that there would always be regret on some level, etc; and suddenly that is her being prickly and you getting 'close to home'

oh my goodness! This was clearly someone NOT 'defensive and prickly' and this 'issue always bubbling under'!!!! This is YOU gunner, unable to understand another point of view which after all comes from someone in the position that you were addressing

eek

HopeFor and SlowReading thanks for your comments.

I read MadBad and Gunner's exchanges last night and wondered whether to trust my reading of the thread, I thought MadBad being reasonable and Gunner was being obtuse, but I didn't want to weigh in for fear of appearing partisan (I often chat with MadBad but not with Gunner)

Thanks for restoring my faith in "reasoned" posting.

Rightly said, HopeFor, there is a need for open discussion about being an "only" when society often expects more than ones....and I think since the poor OP was struggling with her personal position of wanting more, referring to this was not unreasonable!

Hurrah for families of whatever number and hurrah for the ability to express concerns openly and sharingly (not a real word but a necessary one!)

sorry LJ wanted to say hurrah for you too!

Mummyloveslucy...

here is the article I promised you a link to....

www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2009/mar/15/one-child-family

I think it is upbeat and... well... just really nice! I hope you like it too...

I only have one as was advised not to have more. We have managed to afford private education for him; it is easier to organise just the one; I have had more time to spend with him; I shall only have to do teenage angst/hormones/spots/girls/options etc once (yippee, as we are at that stage now). The school run is easier.

Downsides; he could do with a sibling to knock his corners off, and to learn to share, but hey, I am so much luckier than colleagues and friends who couldn't, or haven't had any children yet.

Upside: uni will be cheaper, and making a will is simple; it all goes to him.

GunnerBean, I can see where you are coming from. If we don't succeed in conceiving number 2, we will count our blessings and draw on the positives but we will always be thinking "what if".