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One-child families

Got questions about only having one child? Find the answers here.

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Original poster

OK, I would love abit of help please..

19 replies

JacquelineBouvier · 19/04/2009 00:38

or just support i don't know. i don't have a problem as such. or rather, a lot of people wouldn't see it as a problem!

i have one ds 16 months. dh would like another dc, not this year, we have discussed this. we've said we'll talk about it next year. absolutely no pressure.

so why do i feel pressure?

I had a fairly difficult delivery (but nothing i wouldn't go through again). I think it's the though of two kids of pre school age that frightens the life out of me.

I would love ds to have a sibling but just have an overiding fear of having to spend another year of maternity leave with another child. it's boring and i'm knackered, and ds sleeps through! maybe i'm not meant for more than one child but then feel really guilty. it's not fair to ds to have no brothers or sisters is it?

OP posts:

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Original poster

JacquelineBouvier · 19/04/2009 00:40

sorry, i didn't mean that it's unfair to children without siblings

OP posts:

Quattrocento · 19/04/2009 00:45

I didn't want to have a second child but frankly DH nagged and nagged until I gave in. You're right that it's a whole lot of extra work. I don't know about the fairness issue - plenty of people only have one child - plenty of people have siblings but don't get on with them - I don't think fairness comes into it.

The second delivery is usually a lot easier than the first. Also you don't have to have a year at home if you don't want to. Could you compromise and have six months off and continue with some childcare for your DS while you are on maternity leave so you get some time with No2?

Good luck with whatever you decide

Original poster

JacquelineBouvier · 19/04/2009 00:52

thankyou Quattrocento for replying, i thought it was to late!!

i probably will have another child tbh it's just that other women i know seem to think that a second child is the be all and end all and i just don't think that.

and i love ds completely but have no real desire to have another one!! hopefully i'll change my mind next year.

if i haven't believe me ds will be an only child!!

OP posts:

kickassangel · 19/04/2009 01:14

i know what you mean, somehow people seem to assume that you'll have another & ask when you're planning it, not if.

well, dd is an only & will remain that way, unless some kind of a miracle happened of biblical proportions. she is happy & we are happy.

btw, i also know a lot of working mums who delay having a dc2 until the first one is at least part time in nursery (after 3) or in school, cos of the cost of childcare. i also know mums that waited until dc1 was 5, just so that they felt well & truly ready.

there really are no laws about how many kids you should have, or how far apart, it's what you can deal with that counts. it's alos completely up to you & dp to decide how much mat leave you take etc. to fit in with what you need.

fwiw, my mum's generation (pill invented & avaialbe, but paper nappies & homw washing machines a rare luxury) were all adamant that you should have a 3 yr gap between kids, so that you got one out of nappies before starting on the next one. she was def. shocked when my sister had a gap of only 2 yrs & 2 mths between her 2. so, it really is just a question of fashion as to whether 'society' thinks you should have another, and when.

down2earthwithabump · 19/04/2009 01:30

Relax. I have a 19 month old DD and would love my DD to have a sibling, and loved being pregnant. However, I love DD for who she is and am struggling to have the energy to love DH and DD, and the thought of DD missing out on my love and attention because of a new sibling doesn't bear thinking about. But DH is 10 years older than me and my little biological clock is ticking and didn't have a good labour.... mmm... am more confused and muddled than you JacquelineB!

It would be awful for a child to be born reluctantly though... I think wait and see when and if it feels right to have another.

There are plus and minuses to all decisions and never a perfect time. Only child v many siblings, small age gap v larger age gap... I think the best thing is make a decision you are happy with, review it from time to time and be content with who you are and the decision made. I will try and take own advice!!!

theDreadPirateRoberts · 19/04/2009 01:37

Just posting because I think I felt the way you did. Would have liked DS to have had a sibling, but we moved into a doer-upper when he was 1, and still haven't got a second child's bedroom sorted (he's now 5). And I've missed my moment. Really can't imagine doing it all again...

If you do think you want another, I do think you need to shut your eyes to the inconvenience and finance etc, and get on with it - assuming you've got the basics in place and trust your DH to support you...

I have vague regrets, but not enough to TTC (at my time of life, on a saturday, in this weather, etc etc)

teafortwo · 19/04/2009 01:57

Hi JB - I recently read this article and think you will find it interesting too...

www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2009/mar/15/single-child-families

If you want a snapshot into the near future with one - My daughter is three. We have one child... We love it!

My dh sometimes thinks he would like another child but it is a bit of a lighthearted thought at the moment. I said if it gets very very strong - maybe (eeek) we could have another child but not until my dd is at least 5 because I love having time and space for the early years - which I wouldn't be able to give a second child right now.

(Disclaimer - I am not saying people who have children close together are wrong - just that it isn't somthing I would feel comfortable in doing myself - as my Mum says "Different folks, different strokes!" )

Mulanmum1 · 19/04/2009 18:05

OP asks "it's not fair to ds to have no brothers or sisters is it?"

My DD (aged 4) is an only and I don't think it's unfair. She is a much loved and very happy little girl. I know plenty of kids who would happily dispense with their siblings

MadBadandDangerousToKnow · 19/04/2009 19:31

I can't add much to what's already been said.

Down2earth hit the nail on the head when she said no child should be born reluctantly. I don't think you should guilt-trip yourself into thinking that - if your eventual decision is not to have another child - you are depriving your son or being unfair to him.

Perhaps because there's quite a big (at least, bigger than average) age gap between me and my sibling, I think a bigger gap can be a good choice for some families, because it does give you some breathing space before you start again on chewed nipples and broken nights. (Disclaimer: I know many women who would say the opposite, ie have the babies close together, as once you're out of the baby stage you're out of it for good). And maternity leave is a right but it's not compulsory!

rubyslippers · 19/04/2009 19:35

i think 16 months is very early to be making a decision

there is NO way i could entertain the thought of TTC at that age

i am PG with No.2 and there will be a 3.5 year age gap which feels ok for us

i think what i am trying to say is your DS is very much a baby and still v hard work (or maybe i am projecting )

When they reach toddler hood, and are potty trained and feel less "needy" (not phrased that too well) you may well feel differently

Sunnydale · 19/04/2009 19:41

Hello. My DD (3) is an "only" thus far, but not for want of trying. TBH I've been panicking about it, specifically because I am an only child and I hated it. True, DD might love it, but already she is obsessed with having "a baby sister" and this tugs at my heartstrings. MY DH would have loved 3 kids as he is one of 3, but that ain't gonna happen - we will be very lucky to have one more. Bouvier, I sympathise with the pressure you feel - society places huge pressure on women. Good luck with whatever you choose to do - and it is your choice. As others have posted, some love their siblings and some hate 'em - you never can tell. For what it's worth, this thread has cheered me up as it's nice to know some women only want one. I feel like a pariah for my inability to have another. A good sense of perspective is key in this parenting game, that much I'm learning. All the best.

MadBadandDangerousToKnow · 19/04/2009 19:46

The one child topic is 100 threads old today. There's a cocktail party going on. Please come and join us!

Mulanmum1 · 19/04/2009 22:40

Oh please don't feel like a pariah because you can't have another child. You're a mother of one fabulous DD, you're not a breeding mare! Yes lots of us chose to have just one child whilst others have had to come to terms with it. Glad this thread has cheered you - pop along to the cocktail party MadBad has linked to and celebrate being a one child family - it's fab

Original poster

JacquelineBouvier · 20/04/2009 07:13

sorry i didn't reply before now, my internet connection went kaput!

thankyou so much for everyone's replies, i do feel a lot better after reading them.

i think i'm jealous of people who seem to just instinctively know that they want another child and when they want to ttc.

i'm not sure why i think ds should have a sibling, i don't particularly get on with mine!

i did say to dh the other day that i would go through childbirth again because i feel that i didn't get it right last time. i know, i know, that is no reason to have another child! we both agreed that this was not a good reason but it just shows where my head is at the moment!

OP posts:

Vicky31 · 20/04/2009 09:21

I'm in a similar situation. I have a 17mo ds and my husband would like another but I don't and he accepts this.

For a long time I thought that I had to have another child just because that's the done thing - it was such a relief when it occured to me one day that I didn't have to have another baby if I didn't want too. That probably sounds a bit odd but that's how it was. Now I feel much more relaxed and happy (without stressing about having to start again at some point with all the baby stuff).

I do understand what you mean though about having another child in order to get it right. I felt a bit like this too. I had a difficult birth and missed out on enjoying my tiny baby because of PND. It would be so tempting to go into it with a bit of experience and do a better job. However, I know in my heart that I just don't want another child.

If I want to change my mind in a few years time I can, but I'm so much happier now I've realised that having two children is optional, not compulsory.

daisy99divine · 20/04/2009 14:43

I would love to be pregnant again and go through child birth - and have a teeny tiny newborn for about 4 days

but I don't want another child - short of surrogacy therefore, we're going to stay a one child family

It is hard to untangle all the thoughts, wants and needs - society, hormones, family, nagging inner self etc etc

Try as hard as you can to enjoy whatever you do, even if you change your mind - and glad you have been cheered by some other reflections and points of view!

Gunnerbean · 25/04/2009 11:54

"it's not fair to ds to have no brothers or sisters is it?"

There is absolutely nothing "not fair" about a child not having sibligs.

I could rehearse all the arguments to demonstrate that ther is nothing wrong with it again but frankly life is just to short to do it. There is an element of banging one's head against a brick wall about doing it too....

poshsinglemum · 16/05/2009 22:04

Yes, this thing about giving your child siblings. Whilst I love my sister, we are not close, we rarely talk now and when we were little we fought constanly. It wasn't some kind of merry comradeship where amused each other whilst mum and dad read the newspaper. Most of the time they were struggling to keep us from killing each other!
When my baby sister came along I apparently hit her because I was so pissed off to have a sister.
More recently she did offer her support when I fell pregnant but most of my support comes from my mates so don't fall for the sibling argument. Only child

poshsinglemum · 16/05/2009 22:05

Only children aren't necessarily lonely. You should have more kids because you as a couple want them.

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