I know that one child is right for us but....

[womblingfree]

...feel a bit of a failure due to the reasons why.

I'm an only myself and always swore I would have at least 2, even to the point of getting DH to agree to considering adopting a 2nd child if we were unable to conceive naturally a second time.

Then I had DD. Pregnancy was far from brilliant, labour etc hideous and followed by colicky little madam and PND.

But mostly I just feel deep down that I do not have the patience or selflessness to cope with more than 1. DD is now 4.6 and I love her more than anything but find motherhood such hard work. She's very bright and missed school by just a fortnight last year which makes her very demanding of my time and attention. I just find it so relentless - I've always been able to have my own space whenever I want it, and have treasured that - now it's a miracle if I get to go to the loo on my own! End result is that I feel frustrated and ratty with her a lot of the time, then feel so guilty.

DH is not interested in having any more and DD is perfectly happy being an only. I just feel a failure as a woman (sorry to sound melodramatic - can't think of another way to put it) that I am so clearly not cut out to be able to cope with more than 1 child.

I know of lots of other people with just one, but all my close friends who I see regularly have at least 2 so no-one I can really talk to.

Not sure what I am expecting anyone to say, but have been feeling really unhappy about it lately and just needed to get it off my chest.

Nah, don't worry. I'm exactly the same.

I always thought I'd have 2 DCs, but DS came along and is so perfect I just thought 'Why ruin it?' particularly because every second child I know (including myself!) either was or is a brat.

Thanks BFB.

I know it's right for us on every level - financial, practical, even healthwise (I have a severely underactive thyroid which could cause extra complication if I did get pg again). I also like the fact I can give DD my whole attention - except that at the moment I don't feel like doing it that much so feel a bit rubbish.

Think being at home FT since losing my job last summer is probably just starting to get the better of me, and all this is just a symptom.

Don't feel bad. I think you're very honest in saying what you can and cannot cope with, and I admire that. Also in saying that you miss your me-time. We all do!!! Any mum with a young child or children who says she doesn't is being a bloody great hypocrite IMO.
Feeling ratty and overwhelmed is nothing to feel bad about. Mothering is more than a full-time job. Show me any other career where you're on call 24/7!
Everyone's different. Some people have big ears, others, small feet. Some mums can cope with five and others say "one is enough".
I think one is enough for me. I'm not sure yet, and it may be academic anyway because I'm not sure I can do it again, but, despite DS being the most lovely child in the universe, I have days when I feel like you do. So there, you're in good company. And I'm sure you're a lovely mum.

WF you sound exactly like i have been feeling recently! i have a gorgeous DD who is 3.2 yo and she is at that stage where she is totally ignorant of everything i have to say to her, pushing all the boundaries!! it is so trying and i find myself considering barricading myself in my bedroom with the sky remote and some chocolate just to get away from it all!! we are TTC again at the mo and i have started to consider whether it would be that bad to just have one as we have been at it so to speak for 18 months with no joy yet! maybe it is my rational mind telling my body not to hold onto a pregnancy as i am not really that great a mum as i want to be and i dont think it is a great idea to spread my little parenting expertise even thinner everyone i have spoken to who have more than one child say that number 2 slots right in like he/she had always been there as do any subsequent babies but i dont know!!
what i do know is that it makes you a very strong woman indeed to be as honest and open as you have and from the sound of it your DD is very lucky to have such a considerate and honest mum

ahem...i was quite overtly honest there myself for a while i suppose i have stronger worries than i thought i had
xx ei xx

I'm exactly the same as you, I just don't feel I could cope with another child.
I suppose my question is ..does that need to be a negative thing?

At least you recognise your limitations and that's very healthy.

And why make yourself miserable so that you fit in with the norm of having two children?

Also I too have underactive thyroid and you can't underestimate the toll this takes on your energy levels. Most mums aren't grappling with that on top of everything else. Are you sorted with your thryoxine levels or do they jump around a lot?

Thank you - still feeling low today but your responses have really helped!

Doozle - my levels are a PITA! Took 2 years after DD was born to get dose right and have had to go up another 75mcg over the last 2 so am now on 175 a day and managing but not as well as I suspect I could be.

Doc thinks I may be resistant to the artificial hormones which is why I am needing an ever increasing dose, so am having a T4 blood test next week along with the usual T3 and TSH.

I know it's better to realise now than after having another that I'm not cut out for 2 kids, I guess I'd always hoped/expected that I would be, but I know 2 would drive me mad and probably be the end of my marriage as well - it was nothing short of a miracle we got through it all last time. TBH I only feel I've been getting my groove back over the last 8 months. I've just started doing some casual work and am trying to get a freelance career off the ground so I can work from home permanently which will give me more space when DD starts school in September and DH is at work !

And I don't think being an only is a bad thing. I had a fab childhood and didn't 'miss' having siblings at all. I sometimes think it would be nice to have someone else to share my parents with now I'm older, but there's no guarantee a brother or sister would do that anyway so...

Thanks for the wine and choccies Jacksmama - your little boy is a real cutie (and I'm a nosy moo!). Love your jewellery too. Have just started beading with DD in the last few months but haven't attempted anything more ambitious than elastic bracelets yet.

Argh, I've been sleep-typing ... no, hang on, the DD is 4.6 rather than 5, the OP is an only rather than the eldest of two, and is at home FT rather than working PT. That's okay, you're not actually me! Just very nearly ...

So I feel much the same way as you do, and of all the other people here it sounds like Doozle is very similar as well. Do you think she or I are failures as women? Bet you don't (shall thump you if you do ). So why think that way of yourself? I do the same thing myself ALL the time, and am slowly learning to pull back from it, and NOT judge myself infinitely more harshly than I would someone else.

I've actually been feeling a lot better about it all since someone in this topic posed a question something like 'if the norm wasn't to have two children, but to have one, would you still feel the way you do?' - I realised no, I would be quite at peace if that were the case. Well, I'd probably find something else to freak out about, tbh, but I'd be okay with the one child thing.

Hi DCMB! No I don't really think anyone's a failure for choosing to have one (just sane - lol ). I was just always so adamant that I would have more, I though eventually the urger would overtake me but it hasn't.

Have come close a few times but never wanted it enough to start TTC and had a scare at Christmas when I thought I was pg even though I've got a Mirena. I always thought if we had an accident it would be a happy one but when I did the test then realised I would have been gutted if it had been positive, which is what really made my mind up.

Have as many or as few children as you want - your choice - enjoy it

Just one thing in your OP though - I would have gone demented staying at home - no space to breathe even - are you sure that your feelings about the number of children you want are not being confused by lack of personal space?

DCMB, funny you should say that. I was very struck by my similarities to Wombling Free!

Wombling, it sounds like you really do know what you want - ie. just one child.

It's probably just a question of coming to terms with your decision and not feeling bad about it.

Sounds like having one child goes against all your original instincts (pre-children) and that's just going to take some time to get your head around.

I agonised over the whole decision for months but finally and eventually, I just started to feel good about sticking with one.

Ps. Know exactly what you mean with the levels, we are still jumping around with mine.

I know how you feel. I had sort of thought I'd have another but I'm too old, I don't think I could cope and I had a horrendous pregnancy and really don't think I could go through it again.

I really think it helps having other people around that you see regularly who are in a similar situation - can you get closer to anyone else with an only? I'm really lucky as my sisters also both have only children so that makes it feel 'normal'.

Also agree with quattro though - you do really need to get some time for yourself. You know your DD can go to nursery for free for 12 hours a week if she isn't at school?

As the mother of one DD (by choice) I don't feel a failure, nor do I think a woman with 2, 3 or 9 kids is a more successful mother than I am. Just different. I love being able to devote all my love and (limited) energy to one child but also need to have some time to myself.

Different families. Different mums. All normal. All good.

Thanks Ladies!

Yes I probably do need a bit more me time - I do get some, but there's always something that needs doing. Also since being at home with DD, hubby has changed jobs and is now home a lot more, which is nice, but a major adjustment after having and average of 4 evenings and every other weekend to 'myself'.

Have only been at home for 8 months and decision to have one came beforehand though.

Doozle - I think you've hit the nail on the head - I spent 29 years absolutely adamant that I would never have an only child, but the reality of parenthood and what that means for me is taking longer to get my head around.

Well good luck WF, I hope you feel ok about it all soon.

By the way, are you in Wimbledon or is it a random name? Just because that's where I live.

No I'm in West Sussex. Wombling free is just what I'd like to be doing a lot more of than I ever get the opportunity to do!

I know its not quite the same thing, but I thought I would have 3, but I stopped at 2 as I really really don't think I could cope with a 3rd child - I think I would be an evil parent.

So, good that you know your limits.

BTW, I bet the idea that you would have more than 1 is not the ONLY thing that changed when you had your child. EVERYONE has preconcieved notions that go out the window when we have children.

I thought my children would have nothing but home cooked organic meals, and I would never ever be anything but calm, loving and patient.

Oh yes - purple. For some bizarre reason I imagined having DD would result in me, her and the house, being beautifully organised, in a routine and life being serene and efficient forever more.

Why I thought that when I loathe housework, had no expereince with babies/children whatsoever and have enough trouble organising myself is anyone's guess

womblingfree.

You sound like me. I lost my PT job in October. |I have been trying to find another one but quite frankly I seem unable to find enough time to put in the work required to find one. Ds is 4.4 and I thought things would get easier but I still struggle to find time to do stuff. We moved to new area 5 weeks ago where we know no-one and the intensity of being just the two of us a lot of the time is driving me a bit mad. I spend so much time playing with and entertaining ds that I have very little left for anything else.

In the 6 weeks since we have moved I still haven't done all the address change paperwork and calls as they need to be done in the day and it is almost impossible to find the space to do this. Ds is thankfully at preschoool 2.5 hrs a day but that has only been for the last 2.5 weeks and that time is essential, though not really adequate for my job search. I am feeling really useless, I have one preschooler and really can't manage to do what I need to and I don't even work.

I sort of know that a sibling close in age might help a bit (or it might not) but I can't have any more anyway. I am so struggling to find friends with children of a similar age but it is hard. It is even more upsetting as where we lived before we had loads of friends with children ds's age and it made SUCH a difference.

Keep at it Lazycow (about the friends)
Preschool etc is so good for finding friends. I know its draining though when you have lots of other things to worry about as well.

Maybe compartmentalise tasks. IE) One day do an hour of paperwork, and focus on that. I know its hard when there is just so much to do that you don't know where to start.

Good luck with your new place Lazycow - have a lot of sympathy for you there, cos playdates are what keep me sane!

Hopefully he'll meet someone nice at nursery - my DD did and now we both have a new friend as I get on really well with her Mum!

Yes will keep on trying - thanks and sorry you have been feeling down womblingfree.

wf I know exactly how you feel when you say you just don't think you would have the time or the energy for another child, I felt just the same when I got (accidentally) pg with ds 2.
Ds 1 was so demanding of my time and energy I just could not imagine how I could cope with another! And after an horrific first labour I was dreading the whole experience.
However, ds2 has turned out to be the most undemanding, affectionate, sensitive and caring child anyone could wish for. He has made my life SO much easier simply by being a companion for my ds1.
I highly recommend having a second dc, it was the best gift I could possibly have given to ds1.
Er, don't think for one second that they don't ever argue (it's not the Waltons or anything!), but they are great friends and accomplices!
And now I have 3!

Wow - lipstick - you are brave!

Am feeling a lot better about my decision thanks to the posts on here. Also had someone in the shop I work in today with a baby howling his head off and thought 'never again' without a single pang of regret.

Now all I have to do is talk DH into having the snip!

Hi WF glad you are feeling better

I think the trick of parenting is to be as guilt free as possible - oh, so very easy!
the truth is many of us have ideas of what we might be as an adult (parent of one, none, many, surgeon, judge, miss world etc etc) and life often isn't like that!

some decisions we make others are made for us but you should not feel bad for changing your mind, nor should you see a one child family as other than a positive.... of course any number of children can be perfect in different ways, but if you want one (even if it is from feeling you couldn't do more) then that is a great decision for your family

My DS is now 2.5 and increasingly DH and I are happy we have one and will not have more - the decision was made for us, but we have worked on being positive about it as far as we can

glad you are feeling a bit better!