Not sure I want another and now feel guilty...

[APerson]

I have a 13 month old dd and don't know whether to have another as there are so many reasons why I can't and it is really upsetting me. DH is hinting at another child but I am resistant for the reasons below but I would appreciate honest opinions about the matter and other people's experiences. I am a name changer in case DH sees this.

1, DH has debts of nearly £40,000. He reckons he should get it all paid off (he has 2 jobs) in 5 years, I really doubt it.

2, I had PND and an awful pregnancy

3, dd was not an easy baby

4, my mother watches dd whilst I work and has said she will not watch any more as she's getting older. I don't want to pay for childcare, nor do I think we could afford it.

5, I hate my MIL and she hates me so she is not an option for childcare. She also works full time. her parenting ideas are cruel imo. long story though

6, I have disabilities and it was a real struggle to cope with dd/housework/work/etc as a result, I really think 2 children would break me.

7, DH and I split up several times during pregnancy/afterwards and although we are trying hard, I really don't think our marriage would survive another baby.

8, it is so LONELY. It is hard to get to mother and toddler groups when I work and also when I have disabilites - other mums avoid me and I feel like a terrible mummy cos dd is not making friends.

I don't know what to do. I always wanted 3 babies but now I have had one, I know that I simply wouldn't cope. Even when dd is older, I don't think it would make a difference. It wouldn't be fair on dd or the new baby. I wasn't a nice person last year and I don't want to go back to that. I am crying whilst I type this, I dont want DH to hate me or for dd to hate me when she is older...

I am actually really angry and hateful towards DH right now. I feel like he is putting pressure on me.

Have you said all this to your DH? No one should hate you for saying how you feel. There is certainly no reason by your DD should hate you for being an only child, there are plenty of advantages of being any only child. I have an only by choice and I doubt she will hate me when she is older (at least not for being an only anyway!).

You are saying that you don't want to upset your DH or for him to hate you, yet you are feeling hateful and angry towards him. Neither is ok, you need to come to a solution together. Perhaps you will change your mind in time, perhaps you won't. It is not a decision you make now that is set in stone forever. It sounds like you really need to get across to DH that this just isn't the right time for you to be thinking about this and you don't want to right now, but you are willing to talk about it again in the future? If your answer really is an absolute no forever and ever, you need to tell him this too and stick to your guns. One person's happiness should never be paid for by another's unhappiness.

Hi, I think you need to talk honestly to your DH about why this isn't a good time for you to be planning another - if the unspoken question between you is causing tension, then it's better to come out and talk about it properly. The reasons you give for not having another are all valid, but other people might have a second in spite of those things. That doesn't make it right or wrong - if you don't feel it's the right thing for you at the moment, then that's reason enough. You can concentrate on the three of you for now, and maybe rethink the issue in a year's time. By then you may feel it's a better time, or you may not. Having an only is fine, having more is also fine. No reason for it to be a cause of problems between you - you just need to focus on other things at the moment.