The One and Only Tea Room: Tea, muffins and champagne served at all hours

[BoccaDellaNativita]

Well folks, here we are!

We were on the brink of filling the old thread so I thought we'd better start a new one now. There was a rumour that we were going to be evicted from our old premises, but we managed right at the last minute to get an extension on the lease. So it's business as usual. We're still in our charming old tea room, overlooking our beautiful garden complete with ha-ha and duck pond. And Mellors the gardener.

Please come and join us for a celebratory drink.

What is Mellors up to? He seems to be wandering about a lot and it can't be warm enough in this weather to be standing out there in his vest??

He's in his vest?

Perhaps the tea room craft circle needs to knit him a nice cosy sweater.

Anyone ready for champagne yet? There's a bottle chilling in the fridge and we still have some of those delicious chilli puffs.

So we drank pink fizzy stuff, ate junk, watched Jools, and staggered off to bed at 12.30.

At 7.30 DS surfaced, and as I collected him, our guests DD started shouting for him, so I ended up with both of them until 9.30 when her parents surfaced...

Nice couple of days overall, and we went to see DH's 96 yo grandmother in hospital where she is awaiting re replacement of one of her hips. She apologised for the state of her as she hasn't had her hair cut, and isn't allowed a dryer on the ward. I felt v tatty.

Mistle - when on holiday I met a couple where the mum behaved that way. I think that she was doing it because it gave her a 'special' status to be the only one that could do these things, but also satisfied the martyr complex part

Bocca - get thee to Bravissimo. My friend who is a 36FF wears lovely strappy tops from there which have built in bras and look fantastic. My colleague who is a 34H has also just bought a suit from there which looks gorgeous, and both wear their shirts.

We seem to have some nibbles and mulled wine left over, and as I am going to try and loose some weight this year (DH has a much bigger target, and I will be enforcing my threat that if he can't do it alone, he will have to go to Slimming World and talk about his feelings about food - a terrible, terrible threat for him), they belong here

Cmot - I think the martyr bit is very true. I dressed her dd for her and, apparently, I was the first ever person apart from her to dress her. She's 5.5 fgs. And, no, Bocca (although good suggestion), in this case, her dh is not away alot and actively wants to be involved more but is not allowed to be. It makes me tear my hair out not knowing what to do - ds is effectively as advanced as she is even though there is nearly 2 yrs difference between them - and ds is certainly allowed a significant amount more freedom and is actively encouraged to be independant wherever possible ('mum, please will you put my shoes on - no, you do it, I will fasten them for you once they're on ...; there are your clothes- please get dressed now - yes, that is the right way round ...etc). She is no longer an entity in her own right - she is only her dd's mother. It makes me very sad, and sad also for her dd and dh.

Yes, I would love a glass of bubbly this evening. Have had quite an action packed day with ds and in need of some relaxing. A friend has been staying and has found ds to be equally exhausting, if not more so.

I'm not sure about Mellor's vest. I have seen him when he's been unbuttoning his shirt and not been wearing a vest, and its definitely more intersting

I admit that I am yet to read the paper past G2 and the crossword, so had missed that. Fab news for TP, especially as I really admire the work he is doing to publicise dementia care and research.

DH decided himself that he needed to shift some weight, and started this time last year. He lost about 10kg, and then messed around and lost more but put it back on. I had permission to nag, but find it hard esp as he spends a lot of time on the road when it is hard to eat well. But he needs to learn to portion control properly - and seeing how a friends DD is following her mother down the obesity line as she picks up the same eating isshoos, he is more determined to sort it out.

Friend has that dress and adores it - it looks fab and disguises her tummy too. I am very of the summer tops as you cannot get them for the smaller of nork, and I need the support to make me look like I have norks.

Hi, mistlethrush. You came in just as I was in the tea room office, composing my last wittering incisive post.

I hardly ask, but is your friend's daughter an only or youngest child? It does seem a bit of a phenomenon that some [disclaimer: not all] mothers of onlies or youngest children want them to remain babies for as long as possible. Which then feeds the martyrdom complex.

And why, mistlethrush, did I see you hiding behind the compost heap this afternoon with a camera with a telephoto lens?

Bocca. Yes, it was me. Dh is also needing to lose weight. A significant amount. So, although he is very cuddly, I do feel in need of being able to see the odd 6 pack...

Yes, she is an only dd. However, ds is an only ds. And he isn't wrapped in cottonwool. I went out today with good friend (male, friend originally of dh, now of me too) - and abandoned ds to him at times on very rocky ground (ds managed to shock him by disappearing like a rabbit down a hole) .. ds, you need to hold uncle x's hand. Now. NO NOW. THERE IS A BIG DROP. DON'T MOVE UNTIL YOU ARE HOLDING UNCLE
X'S HAND... THERE - that's why why - look how far down that is (looking on the tops of the tres).... !!!!

I think, Mistle, you have to try and work out your friend's issues. Is it trying to hang onto her baby or finding herself a role where she is indespensible and cannot be criticised? Does she work/have other interests or is she tryin to defend herself from bein expected to do so? It seems that she is heading for disaster, whatever. Either her dd will start to feel smothered and try to escape (terribly hurtful to mummy) or she will become more and more helpless and attached (terribly unkind to dd).

Bocca, in one of dd's new books, the heroine (a princess of some kind, possibly penguin), is definitely wearing a fascinator. With a large feather.

Yes, a six pack can be a marvellous sight.

I agree, the wrapping in cotton wool is by no means universal. It just seems to me that it is something which some mothers of onlies do and it makes a sort of sense: if you've only got one baby and like the baby stage, you might be tempted to extend that stage for longer than is strictly necessary. But, yes, I'm more of the independence and learning about the world school. BabyBocca was clambering to the top of the highest slide at our local soft play long before the (slightly older) boys with whom we used to go there.

It's also more prevalent in the youngest child of a family - my SIL would have had her youngest (of 3) boy in a pushchair till he was 12 given a chance, and still treats him like a baby aged 12.

A couple of holidays where we were in close contact with other families was a real eye opener to the way some people work - both times there was a family with an only DD, and both were total fusspots of the 'don't touch your egg yet it's hot' 'careful on the slide' 'mind the mud' type to 3 year olds, and both were martyr mums who 'had to do everything' but for whom the dad could never do things correctly - so couldn't be trusted to do anything.

Love the thought of a penguin princess with a fascinator

Complete non-sequitur, but I am currently watching the Midsomer Murders and trying to spot cmotdad.

The trouble is that we're too far away to be that close - we get together perhaps 2x per year plus another visit by their dh. SHe would like here dd to be a baby for ever (afaics) - she was saying how sad she was that as dd was a june baby she would effecitively 'lose' a year as dd would have to go to school at 4 and a little bit rather than nearly 5... There is me thanking heaven that ds has gone to school at 3.5.... . Did I mention that she has OCD as well? This last visit was the first time that she hasn't had the wipes out and wiped fingers/table/mats etc at least 25times during the day.... Friend has no other interests. Her whole life is now devoted to dd. She has been talking about becomeing a teaching assistant and mentioning that there is a child in dd's class that requires a ta. Have been considering contacting the school and talking to the head....

Stumbles in tired from a long day travelling and feels confused - there is so much to talk about!

Rebecca - Nice to see you again. I noticed you are now sporting a fascinator like the rest of us and have ditched the revolutionary gear - nice new look! I really feel the early threads in this topic were an experiment. We now are fully aware that having one child and telling everyone we luuuurve it, like asking questions about public school v state school,bottle v breast and shall I call my daughter Princess Waynetta? To name but a few examples is best left unsaid! It isn't censorship - you can say these things but you have to face the music of the masses if you do! It is best to be a bit more giggly, tongue in cheek or moany about it all - all hats I find I can wear very very well ha ha ha!!!!

Bocca - No no no - seriously I REALLY don't get BDs. They are read by all of Paris and discussions about them can seem very high-brow (sometimes) BUT in my eyes they are generally ugly, filled with toilet humour and seem to draw women as either sexpots, witches or completely crazy which I find really offensive! I am "Sooooo British!"

Mistlethrush - I think you should buy this book, tell your friend you read it, and it is so fab you think she might like you to lend it to her - www.amazon.co.uk/Letting-Go-Children-Grow-Independence/dp/0747565767/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid= 1230935250&sr=8-1

It is fab. Also lead by example. Tell your friend about things you do and don't do - invite her along to things... however I get the feeling you are doing lots of this anyway and I bet it is having a bigger influence than you think!

Mellors - (sigh) I have made a special kind of hot chocolate for you - you look like you could be getting a bit cold only wearing a vest. Yes, that is whipped cream on top I bought it especially for the recipe - enjoy!

Oh, that is worrying. I don't think many schools, as a matter of good management, would employ a parent in their child's classroom, but (equally) every application for employment has to be considered on its merits. Not sure, though, how you could broach it with the school ....

OUCH - sorry about my x post!!!!

That last one was to mistlethrush.

Tea - So, you have departed Blighty now?

Perhaps BD are another part of French culture which I shall never fully understand, like those TV programmes which consist of five people sitting behind a horseshoe-shaped desk, having a chat while a studio audience looks on, enthralled.

I feel the same about dd being a July baby and having to go to school a year early (although they don't have to go until they are 5). Think it is far too early and wish our system was more like Scandinavia or Germany, where school proper starts at 6 or 7. What does CMOTtiddler do at school at 3.5? It must be a private school? Mistlechick is reading at 2.5, isn't he? What gifted children we have in the tearoom!

Its SOOOO difficult. Just saying 'have you had an evening off' put her back up SOOOOO much that I haven't dared broach the subject since. I don't feel able to suggest books etc - and certainly if I loaned her a book with that title I very much doubt if I would ever see her/them again. I certainly see the difference between ds and her dd - ds is busy dashing off on his own - she is busy following dd who daren't stray as far off the path as ds (nearly 2yrs younger than her). Ds also has a much wider range of foods that he eats whilst friend is almost certainly giving dd issues about food by saying, within her hearing, 'its the texture... I'm not sure she will like it... she's never had it before.... you might not like it... and similar things. I only say that to ds when its something like hot curry or alchohol - ie something that either is going to be understandably too hot, or unsuitable. Otherwise we put food in front of ds and anticipate that he will eat it, even if he hasn't had it before - but if he doesn't like it, fair enough....

YES BOCCA - those TV shows are bloody annoying too. Especially as all the guests look so very very attractive as well as far too clever for me but interestingly also quite orange!!!!

Yes - back tonight to discover girl who we lend our apartment to when we are away to have some serious shag time with dodgy boyfriend peace and quiet from her family home has left all the windows open and turned off heating (covering up cigarettes I reckon) so it is really really freezing cold!!!

T42 I hope that you've managed to warm up by now...

There is a mum at our mums' choir with a 11-month old who walks behind him every moment, wherever he crawls. Even though we are all in one completely safe room sitting on the floor with 10 other mums and lots 9
of soft toys. And if he puts his hand out to you, as babies do, she quickly puts her hand inbetween. I want to trip her up. It makes us all very nervous and when I managed to tip over my safety cup of coffee and it made a steaming puddle on the floor, I had to quickly sit dd on top so that scareymum wouldn't guess what it was.

However, dh is a bit like that - not wanting to keep dd a baby, but very overprotective. Always saying 'Be careful', which I hate. However, he is great on joint outings with other families - no one else needs to look at the children at all. Although he does get a bit fraught.

MT - NO - I am still wearing my coat!!!

I also have a friend with some interesting parenting ideas. I find it is fine to disagree on how we do the parent thaaang but as long as we respect one and other's wishes. Is your friend all "You bad Mother!" When you let dd work out for herself the egg is hot, go down the biggest slide in the park, not buy the toy she shows you in a shop or talk to the Green Grocer? Or is she cool about it? I am asking because with my friend I really at the end of the day would never try to change what he chooses to do with his daughter BUT find his critisism of my parenting skills because they aren't exactly like his difficult to respond to! They always catch me out.