Why have I only one child?

[maplesyrup]

To be honest I don't know why. My DS is 10, I was a midwife when I had him and I had a horrible birth, c/s and I nearly lost him, the cons. said at the time he was lucky to be here. I then moved abroad with my husband and I was isolated from friends and family, I then had PND. I moved back to the UK when ds was 3, then I heard the news that my brother had been a victim of an abuser when he was a child, at the time I was thinking about having another baby but this took over everything as there was a court case etc. and us as a family coming to terms with it, we still haven't 7 years later. I really believe that I had so much of a traumatic time when my son was a younger child, I couldn't contemplate bringing another child into this world. I'm now 41 and just the other night I was talking to my best mate about having another. My ds and my dh are fantastic, we are a very close family. I'm just thankful for what I do have, I'm afraid of having another incase things go wrong x

Hi, Maplesyrup. I don't know what to say, except you are obviously dealing courageously with some very painful memories and events in your life. I am glad you have your son and husband to give you love and support.

Gosh maple, how awful for you . I think with so much bad stuff going on when you had DS, and when he was small, it's no surprise at all that having another has been a scary idea. I'm not a psychiatrist or anything, but my guess is that the trauma of your brother on top of the problems of the birth and the isolation and the PND has just all got mixed up together into one big scary tangle. Bringing another child into a world where young children can be abused is an issue which worries lots of people, but it must be even worse when it is so close, and must have made you feel that nothing could be trusted.

Have you ever had a chance to talk to someone about your feelings about all this? They could maybe help you to make sense of your feelings and move on from them. Whether or not you then wanted to consider another baby is a separate issue, but that's a lot to have going round in your head.

Thank you for your replies. I've never really talked indepth about this, I'm always asked why I've only one child, and it is difficult to explain why because I can't explain why, because I don't know myself I did have counselling in a GPs practice after I found out about my brother, but I think the woman wasn't trained to discuss abuse, she actually made me feel worse as she blamed my mother. I have one sister and one brother and we were brought up in an innocent lovely childhood in the 70's. My parents don't talk about it, my sister is angry, my brother has taken himself off to the other side of the world and has no contact with us This is the devastation on a family as a result of a paedophile, none of us will ever be the same again. I don't think I will ever be able to come to terms with it. I'm now working as a nurse, hubby is happy, ds is happy, we are a very close and happy family, I just have this big black cloud in my soul. xx

I think if it feels like that, then some counselling would definitely be worthwhile - sorry the one you saw was so useless. How about going to the GP again and getting referred to someone?

Hello again, maplesyrup. I'm not a psychologist either, but I think amuminscotland is probably right. If you feel you are living with a big black cloud in your soul, then perhaps some time with a qualified therapist would help lift that cloud. Do you have access to information about local sources of counselling or therapy?

I don't know if there is qualified therapists locally. I haven't really looked for one, after all this happened and I had counselling I had to write a stupid letter saying I was feeling better etc. to be put into my gps notes. It was so false because at the time I was so vulnerable and not well mentally, I would have done anything to say and do the right thing. I think back then I was so ill that now I feel ashamed at how vulnerable I was. I think that experience has put me off going for counselling. I do know that I do need to talk to someone. Should I go back to the GP and ask for referral? I just don't think I could go in there and talk to her without breaking down.

I don't really know how these things work. Do you have to get a referral from a GP or can you self-refer? Can you use your nursing contacts (just the staff directory, perhaps) to find out who the best local counsellor is and how to get an appointment?

Is there a support group online for families who've been affected by childhood abuse (I'm guessing there is)? Could they help you in any way?

So many questions - sorry.

I don't really know where to go from here. I know that I need to talk with someone, I just don't know where to start. As I said before I'm a nurse working, my DS is in yr6 and doing well, DH is doing well, we're a happy wee family, but I know that I'm holding a lot back and maybe if I had it out I could contemplate having another isn't that sad. xx

Yes it is very sad. You yourself seem to be saying that it could be useful to speak to a therapist, so try to take the first step. I know it won't be easy, but it might take a huge load off you and even if you eventually decide against trying for another baby, you'll feel happier and freer. Good luck.

thank you x it helps seeing it all written down. I have to make the first step and perhaps the first one is making an appt. with the gp. thanks for listening xxx

Oh maple. I'm sorry I can't help you practically but if there's anywhere where help can be found, it's here on MN.

I'm trying to think of another topic where it might be worth posting this too - mental health maybe??

If you search for threads using 'abuse' and 'survivor', you'll find several which might still have some useful information or suggestions on them.

thanks squeaver, to be honest I have to find a way to deal with what has happened, I am depressed but I know why, it's just that I have to try and deal with it and it's hard. I just need to offload to someone and counselling is probably the best way forward but before the counselling I had was very poor and it has made me wary of trying it again through the gp. I think I will make an appt. but I'm afraid to be honest, I don't want to go back to feelings that I have hidden, sometimes they say counselling makes things worse, but how do you ever move on and make choices?

You needn't go to your GP if you can afford to go privately - look at this page or this page. If you find someone near you you can call them and have a chat about your fears of therapy making it worse. See what they say and take it from there. Good luck x

maple syrup good luck, i agree sek proper counselling.
ask your gp ot go private.
if yo can afford private you might feel better saying if it doesn't work iykwim s then you don't have to feel grateful for being given counselling in the 1st place.