How to support my 13 Yr old with her dad's life decisions

[Sunshine186]

I have two children, 7 and 13 and have been separated for 7 years. Up until 12 months ago he was actively involved with them for 4 years and our Co parenting relationship was brilliant. He would attend everything school related, call them a few times per week when he didn't see them and consistent in the time he spent with them.

12 months ago he slit up from his girlfriend. Our kids liked her and they slept over on his weekends. There was talk of moving in together and my kids seemed ok with this .My ex was continuing to be involved actively and Co parenting was great. A week or so after this he changed, he was with a new gf. Since this time he has not had them some weekends because he has 'forgot' and other reasons. He has stopped attending everything and no longer makes any contact with the kids in-between seeing them in person.

My kids met my exs new girlfriend in October, they have met her 3 times. He has sold his house and told the kids he is moving in with her. My daughter is anxious, fretting as she does not know her, she has a 5 Yr old she does not know and is worrying about getting to school/seeing her friends because it's further away. I messaged my ex and said the kids have told me he is moving and I asked if there was a plan for them to get to know his gf before this happened/ways I could support them with the change. He told me it's non of my business.

My daughter has been off since she came home from her dad's at weekend. Upset, anxious and angry towards me. We talked and she is worried about the move, she is upset he hasn't been to our sons parents evening tonight and has ignored her message when she asked if he was going to hers. She has told me she doesn't want to live with someone she doesn't know and is upset the move is happening soon and dad is also getting married. She never tells him how she feels and I don't as when he sees her he will confront her and she hates this.

My ex now very rarely speaks to me and is hostile, we haven't fallen out, no arguments etc, nothing has happened.

I feel like I'm not sure what to do. This is happening and although I'm not happy about it happening so soon for them I want to support them. Where do I start?

Hi op, definitely a difficult situation.

I’ve had to be honest with my 13 yr old that I don’t support her dad’s decisions a lot of the time, but that we also need to accept that she, I, no one can control his behaviour or what he opts to do. It is sad, but perhaps this can be an opportunity to develop your bond? Plenty of 1:1 where you are able to show them your support & consistency. I found i needed to up this, to compensate for his absence.,

I think being clear you’re available as a taxi service (if possible), so the dc don’t have to stay over if it’s inconvenient for school is a reassurance (though hard work).

Not talking negatively, but being honest - that we might not agree with his decisions, but that won’t change his behaviour so encouraging acceptance.

if you are able, then some support for you will also help them. As you’ll need to hold them emotionally through this. Can you see a therapist, book in regular time for yourself?

Thanks for your response and advice. I actually think over the last 12 months/since he took a step back we have a stronger bond. I'll definitely plan more 1:1 with her.

I'm trying to do that, staying neutral not making excuses but not painting him in a negative light.

I've asked fo be referred the counselling service at work, to give me somewhere to offload it.

I’m not an expert, but in general I wouldn’t try to force anything. Your daughter might just need some time to adjust to the new situation—and that’s completely okay. Some children adapt quickly, while others take longer, and both are perfectly normal.
Just stay close to her, be there to answer her questions, and reassure her that her parents will always love her.

It's difficult. DS didn't like his DF's new gf at first. When they moved in together F told him he wouldn't have a room but if he 'ever needed somewhere to stay over he'd find somewhere'. DS went less and less and then the GF said she didn't want him in her house as he refused to eat tea (a meal he hated and his F knew this).

They hadn't spoken in years. DS is now an adult but he really dislikes his F and his now wife. As a PP said, I had to go down the route of F making his own decisions and us being unable to do anything about it.

My daughter has been off since she came home from her dad's at weekend
She has told me she doesn't want to live with someone she doesn't know and is upset the move is happening soon and dad is also getting married.

You support your children. You back up your DD and reassure her that she doesn’t have to visit or stay over at dad’s new place until she feels comfortable to do so.