Coming to peace with one by choice?

[Goodmorningmn]

Looking for some advice.

I’m 38, married with one DD (7). We have a lovely life, we are financially secure with flexible jobs, travel a lot, DD is happy at school and we have great family and friends. We chose to be one and done because its such a great balance and allows us to be the best parents.

The issue is that although this was a conscious decision, I'm struggling to feel completely at peace with it. I worry about the future a LOT, especially when we’re older. I worry about DD being alone when we die and not having anyone who shares that family history. I also catch myself blaming things on her being an only child. If she’s rude or falls out with a friend I think ‘it’s because she doesn’t have a sibling.’ Rationally I know that’s nonsense, but the thought still pops up and then I feel really guilty for not giving her one.

I go back and forth about another baby. Sometimes I see a baby and think it would be lovely, but then I remember I didn’t enjoy the baby stage and found the toddler years really dull. My pregnancy was straightforward and I got pregnant easily so we probably could have another, but I’m honestly not sure I want another one and I do think I would be doing it for the wrong reasons. I also struggle to make peace with this and why I don’t want two - everyone seems to have or want more than one, what’s wrong with me?!

I know having a baby purely to give your child a sibling is NOT a good reason. I’m one of four siblings myself and I don’t speak to one sister and while I get on fine with another we’re not close. Out of the many siblings I know, only a couple are genuinely close. DD is one of four only children in her class so it’s not unusual now, but most of our closer friends have two and she does sometimes ask for a sibling, which makes it harder. She would be brilliant with a little brother or sister. Generally though she is a pretty happy little girl.

Anyone been in a similar situation? Especially interested to hear from parents of older only children and how it’s turned out.

I’ve an only older teen dd and I’m very happy with my choice, though I knew the chances of getting pregnant after her was virtually zero so I made peace with it never happening. We have a very close relationship. I see no downsides. She’s happy, has friends , cousins of similar age, does sport to a high level (5-6 times a week), is doing very well in school, is kind and loving. I do get the odd fleeting thought of - I wonder would she be less sensitive if she had a sibling to fight with’, but I think logically it’s just her personality.

now that she’s older we take a friend on holiday with us and they have a ball! She openly says she would hate to have a sibling. We have tried very hard to make sure she’s not spoilt or the centre of everything. We got a dog when she was 4, and just having a dog takes the attention off her and something else to take into consideration other than her.

I chose to have one. Other people have lots to say about it. Also from watching what my mum went through when she lost her parents and watching my husband too, your better off with no siblings

I think 7 years (8 by the time she has a sibling) is such a big age gap that there's a pretty high chance they wouldn't be close anyway?

I have one child, currently a baby, who is very likely to be an only child due to fertility issues, so I understand the feelings. I would have liked two in an ideal world and always saw myself with two.

But there are so many advantages of one child... you can really give them everything... time, attention and financially too. Those are massive bonuses.

I have a lot of siblings and really I'm not super close with them, we're just all very different and live far away. I know quite a few other people who, as adults, are completely estranged from siblings or just don't really see/ talk to them much.

I guess having siblings can be helpful when parents start to get elderly/ needing care - however, that is just one period of life. You have to see it in context of everything else and not hyper fixate on it. Same with the family history thing - that may or may not be important to your daughter so there's not much point worrying about it.

If you raise your daughter to be a good, kind person, she will have friends and networks of people to support her anyway. Make a conscious effort to teach her the value of friendship. If you have close friends then you can share your family history with them. As an adult my friends support me much more than my siblings - they're the ones I couldn't live without!

Ds is 22. I would say I still have some regret at times, but also that ds is happy, doing well, close to his friends and girlfriend. Nothing else really matters to me.

Having an elderly parent to care for isn’t easy for anyone, but I have done what I can to make that future easier for ds (Advanced Directive, power of attorney, will etc). I would say that the hardest parts of caring for my dad and my mum did include disagreements with my siblings, and my God we had a few, plus my siblings now say that they are estranged. I would also say that I was a late third child (6 years between me and my sister) and that had its issues as well including a bad effect on my parents’ relationship.

TL:DR - if you have a happy and purposefully engaged child you are doing a grand job as a parent - try to stop worrying so much.

I have one DD who is 10. Sometimes I get the same feelings as you, but then I remind myself that a) having a baby in order for them to possibly be a support to her when we are old is probably not the best reason, and b) there’s no guarantee that a second child would make her life better/easier, e.g. what if they are profoundly disabled? Especially with higher risks with being an older parent second time round.

I’ve made my peace with having one, our home life is calm and happy and DD is super close to me and my DH.

Yes @YellowStockingsis right to make that point. I have 2 dc, one of whom is profoundly disabled. I worry for my other child when we are elderly.
and regardless of that, not all
siblings have a good relationship. I would say for the people I know, in their adult lives about 2/3 have a good relationship with their siblings and for about 1/3 it’s strained or problematic.
having siblings can be an amazing thing and I feel sad for my dd that she hasn’t had that normal sibling experience and won’t in adult life. But there’s no guarantee. Only have a second child if you want one.

My DC is 16. I became a single parent and it wasn’t possible. I still feel bad about it sometimes, it’s a journey. Pros and cons. Giving them a good childhood is much more important than siblings. My DC would have liked one which makes it harder.

But we are incredibly close. He has lots of friends and I don’t think being an only child has had any negative consequences. It’s societal pressure making us feel like this. If you were surrounded by only children you wouldn’t worry.

Enjoy it! Mine will likely go uni next year. Time really does fly!

She’s 7. If you were realistically to have another, she’d be 8 before baby is born and 11 before a toddler can play. 13 before a 5 year old can meaningfully play. By that point she’s learnt all those skills she’s not learnt yet and won’t want to hang out with such a young child. There’s a good chance with that age gap they won’t be close. Likelihood is that children of the same age with siblings also still need to learn those skills too

Keep making memories and enjoying your triangle family

We have a 13 y/o DD. One by choice/circumstance. I don’t think I could have continued in my job with more than one as it is demanding and requires lots of work in evenings and DH works abroad regularly so we decided to be one and done.

I love our triangle; we are close, do lots of things like concerts, gigs, theatre together and she is well-adjusted with some good friends.

She has younger cousins which does mean she gets a part-time experience of little ones which I think has helped her empathy. We have had pets since she was 4 which has been really beneficial. Recently a cat which has made our little family feel ‘complete’ to me. She is not spoilt despite comments I have received over the years (which I would now completely ignore).

She did used to say she wishes she had an older brother! But I think she is 90% happy now to be an only child and she is not lonely. There are many benefits. Enjoy what you have but only you can know it f having another little one is right for you. 💐

Im 39. Recently had our baby via ivf

V high risk pregnancy & v traumatic birth - i nearly died twice - during the week she was born
& had oxygen issues & a high dependency ward 4 day stay - a few days after her birth

Additionally she was prem
& had a 6w nicu stay.

We adore her & are v lucky

Initally - i didnt want her to be an only child

But after ' everything ' - im on the fence

We have1 more embryo @ ivf clinic