Feel like a massive failure

[Limon87]

Hi all,

My husband and I are one and done following two early miscarriages, one suspected ectopic, and this year we had a surgical missed miscarriage confirmed to be caused by our baby having Turner syndrome sadly.

We have an amazing little boy, who I genuinely adore parenting but Christ alive some days I just don’t feel cut out for it. I see everyone else and wonder is it me? I was 35 when I had him, standard pregnancy but not a great birth in that I was induced, he got in distress and we had an emergency c section. He’s 3.5 now and while there are so many positives - I am just battered by his energy and the mental load.

Don’t get me wrong he is an amazing little boy, so clever, great sleeper and eater and great socialiser. But he is a very active little man. I have adhd but nursery don’t suspect he has that whatsoever, they think it is purely age related and that he’s just got a big personality.

I’m not really one for comparison but I look around at our friends and while he certainly sees to be quite advanced for his age, he’s also a lot less chill. He was a difficult baby - largely because of a dairy intolerance and how poorly the reflux made him. He didn’t nap properly until close to 18 months and for a good year loved a 4:30 wake-up. He also never stopped running from 15 months to three - several accidents in an and e, days were exhausting. Thankfully that’s all settled and he stays close by and has got a sense of fear etc: but we are still so knackered.

He’s now fortunately a great sleeper - 12 hours a night, but from the moment he wakes up to the moment he goes to bed it’s a lot. We are both two exhausted and scarred from our history to even contemplate to go again for a second; however a huge part of me feels like it wasn’t meant to be as genuinely don’t think I’d cope with another and him.

I work full time - three days a week from home, little man is in pre school five days a week. We have lovely mornings and evenings but weekends are full on. I work hard to make sure he’s active - we do lots of play dates, go gymnastics and swimming, plenty of walks - you name it. I also look forward to our weekends because he is such a gorgeous boy and full of fun. But I find come Sunday evenings I am just so relieved for weekend to be over.

I wanted a kid my entire life and always thought I’d have two or three. But I just feel so weak because the thought of another now we’ve had time to reflect feels like I would ac actually hate my life, I can’t figure out am I just exhausted from the horrible fertility and loss journey we’ve had or from parenting itself. I’m just feel like I’m not able for the role most women are born for. I hate moaning because I have friends with two/three kids who crack on, my sister has a severely SEN child and she doesn’t complain. What is wrong with me?

I have adhd and am largely very hard on myself. I am on concerta and that helping, but I dunno it feels like I find things extremely difficult: I’m not depressed - a bit anxious alright but certainly not depressed. Love my life on the whole but feel so bad that others handle it all so much better. We don’t have family near by so it is entirely on my husband and i. However I just feel so guilty for how I feel and that actually believe maybe we didn’t have luck having a second because I’d clearly fall apart.

Here's your issue: [I am] largely very hard on myself

Your little boy sounds like a delight. He sleeps well, he's doing great socially and at preschool, enjoys a variety of activities. He sounds like a credit to you. The vast majority of 3.5 year old boys do need to be out the house 2 x a day for a couple of hours each time e.g. bikes, walking, park, beach etc - anything active. Then when home they might play with cars briefly, but unlikely to do much independent play at this point. They are just tiring to be around!

How would you need to feel about parenting to feel like you are doing well? Maybe if you can pinpoint that then you can see if it's realistic or not. Hint - not being tired and enjoying every moment is not realistic!

Thank you for this: you’re so right: I think I just worry I feel it more then I should and that having a second child would really challenge my mental health. We’ve made our decision to not go again but I just feel so guilty that I feel like it would really be too much for me.

You ask some great questions and I’m going to go and reflect on them. I think just not feeling like a need to lie in a dark room for four days; after 48 hours with my kid, would be a huge win! 🙈

I think I probably need to accept this season of life and just enjoy it and let go of the guilt with why I find it so hard.

Thank for you for your kind words. He is a wonderful, kind and amazing little man. I know we have a beautiful life ahead and that he is the product of a lot of work and love. I just hope it gets easier soon.

I think everyone has their limit - in theory I would like a third. The reality though is that I don't have the energy or emotional bandwidth to provide the quality of life I would want to for three children. I want to be fully available for them, mentally and physically, and my limit to be able to do that is two. And even then it's touch and go sometimes! And that's without having been through the trauma you have of trying to conceive.

I think you're right - reflect on the good bits, acknowledge some parts are hard but you've still done them, and that your son doing so well shows that your immense efforts are paying off! It is exhausting raising a child in a caring, thoughtful way...it's a lot easier for parents who don't give a shit.

I knew that I could maybe do two, although wasn’t sure I wanted to, my DH definitely not. There’s nothing wrong with you. We’re all different and tough kids can make it so much harder. DS is a teenager now and generally awesome but up till about 7 it was hard work, 3.5 is probably the toughest period. You’ve got this, look after yourself. You are enough as his mum and you are enough as yourself. Be kind to yourself.

I have one. My fertility history before dd is similar to yours and dd is 14 now so I've got a fair amount of experience parenting one. The most important thing is being present in your child's life. I recommend Susan Newman's book on parenting only children. She's done a lot of research and helped me be really positive about my decision not to try for a second. Dd is upstairs giggling with a friend at the moment. Our home is calm, she is amazing and of all the parenting I could have done better having a second doesn't make the list. Do what's right for you and your family and enjoy yourself.

I have a recently turned 4 year old boy who I had when I was 37. I work close to full time 35 hrs a week (albeit largely remotely), and I could have written this.
My son is a good sleeper but pretty high energy during the day. Weekends are predominantly spent entertaining him with occasional snatches of me time like going for a run, so I no longer feel rested after the weekend, just more tired than during the week when he is at nursery. There is absolutely no way I could cope with a second and DH and I have decided to stick to just one.
I also get those feelings of "Why can't I hack a second when others can?" feelings, and remind myself that all the parents I know going for second or third children have very different circumstances to me and DH.
They either have loads of local grandparent care (we have no one to help locally), or at least one parent has a far less demanding job, or they are a decade younger than us and have more energy.

Honestly OP it sounds like you're doing brilliantly and giving him a lovely life.

I also have ADHD and I totally understand that feeling of being a failure and not able to manage what seems to come easily to others, but it's part of the condition, it's not objective reality.

How good of a parent you are isn't based on how serene you feel while doing it. Parenting is an action, not a feeling - or rather, a series of actions. And it sounds like your actions are loving your little boy and giving him a great life.

Three is an exhausting age - the hardest year so far for me, I've found. It will get easier ❤️

I know this is an old thread but just to say ive had similar feelings of guilt OP but learning to deal with these as follows.

1. You can choose to only have one child for any reason and this is no one else's business.
2. People have different capacities in what they can cope with and what they need and want. And some parents have a LOT of family help.
3. Children are different too.
4. Other parents may not be coping well, you just don't know. Many regret having a second child.
5. Women are not born to be perfect mother's, that idea went out with the dark ages!
6. Sometimes the bravest thing to do is acknowledge your limit and stick to it.

Having two or more children has broken a lot of families. There was a thread yesterday by a mum who bitterly regrets having a third despite it being much wanted baby. Many simply have more kids because it's the given expectation to provide siblings but they are in over their heads, by which time it's too late anyway. I know two families who inexplicably had 4 kids before the marriages failed completely. In both cases, it turned out the mums were catastrophically depressed for many years and it sounds very unlikely that all the needs of all 4 children were being met. The grass really isn't greener just because people have X number of kids from the outside.

I would classify it as a much bigger failure to have more children than you can cope with, than having one child and just about managing. The sheer responsibility of putting another human being on the planet and then failing to meet their needs is not forgivable in some cases. You are directly responsible for the unhappiness and trauma of another person. Children deserve to have a happy childhood they look back on fondly and not one full of memories of chaos, siblings fighting, being bounced between two homes and a depressed mum. In most cases the mum has really tried to do her best, but the children still suffered. The problem is that if your "best" impacts other human beings so profoundly that they need therapy as adults, then it's simply not good enough. That's my definition of massive failure. It's a mistake that will haunt the mum and kids until the end of their lives.

In contrast, simply having one child means you can never fail them in the same way as a group of siblings. Any damage is potentially self-limiting and you will always somehow manage to find the resources to regulate yourself. One child grows up quickly and you will leave the sleep deprived years behind. You have total peace during the daytime once they're in school and you only have to keep track of one school schedule, one packed lunch etc. It gives you the opportunity to be a much better mother.