How do you get over wanting a 2nd child?

[Liesontoast]

Hi all,
I had a recent round of IVF (my 4th) to give my DS sibling. It didn’t go well. Now I’m contemplating a life with only 1 child. Now I know we will have a lovely life together us 3. But how can you get over the longing of wanting another one? The baby noise is so so loud. The thought of never having a newborn again or reusing all the perfectly put away clothes makes me burst into tears everytime I think of it.

Did it take time? Did you choose therapy? Or did you just accept it? We have enough funds for another round and 2 embryos are being retested to see if they are normal. I’m 37 and we have severe male factor issues. My DS has turned 9 months old so I’m so so concious of not wanting to waste time with him and ignoring the baby I have while wanting another one.

It took some time to accept that we couldn't have another one, but we did get over it and I actually wouldn't have it any other way now. Having one child is absolutely fabulous and if I had my time again, I would choose to plan it this way. No regrets here now!

I can't tell you what to do about another round of IVF because that's a very personal decision, but regardless of what you decide, I would absolutely encourage you to focus on the amazing child that you already have. Be grateful for that gorgeous child and don't allow your grief over not having another one overshadow the incredible experience of being a parent to the perfect child that you already have.

It got easier for me the more my child grew up and away from the baby/ toddler stage.
I didn’t get counselling/ therapy or anything like that, I just slowly accepted it.
I think once you let go of that panicky feeling that you have to do something about it and just feel the sadness, you get over it eventually.
Probably hormonal shifts going into my forties have played a big part too.
Ever since my late twenties I struggled so much with the compulsion of wanting a baby/ babies. On a conscious, rational level I honestly didn’t really want to have kids but something else, some deep instinct kept overriding it and I felt very conflicted about the whole thing.
I argued back and forth with myself for several years about whether I should or shouldn’t try.
It was horrible really, looking back.
Eventually I took the plunge, got pregnant after a few months of coming off the pill.
My mh suffered terribly especially with the timing (COVID lockdowns etc), but I’m very glad I had my dd.
I went through the same turmoil again about having a second.
Worrying, trying to decide, feeling torn in two 😓 We tried (half heartedly) for a while but I knew my mh still wasn’t very good and it wasn’t fair on anyone to try for another.
I knew I wouldn’t cope if anything went wrong.
So I drew the line.
After over a decade of thinking and worrying and obsessing over having/ not having kids, I was just done.
Now we are getting too old and I’m just relieved. I’m relieved the baby-having part of my life is over because it was so exhausting just thinking about it all the time.
I prefer the bit of sadness and regret I have now to all the obsessing, the guilt, the anxiety and worrying I had before.
Its different for everyone but I would imagine for a lot of people it’s the same as for me; it’s a profound sadness but it does mostly pass.
My sister and her husband tried for years and it never happened for them at all. I can see in her that that is a different pain that is much harder to get past.

Thanks for your replies and in a way if I could draw a line under it. I would be grateful not to have to endlessly worry about my own fertility. I truly am enjoying my son and I don’t want to look back at his early years trying desperately for another one. His the best thing that ever happened to me and he makes me laugh every single day. I am still being the best Mum I can but I admit it’s taking up a lot of brain acreage so worrying it’s taking me away from being in the moment.

I would say enjoy your baby for a while before undertaking any further treatment.

After a long infertility journey I do have 1 DC, have had several attempts for a sibling and so far no luck but I genuinely look back at those first couple of years and feel glad we had all that fun as a family of 3, whatever the future holds.

You've not long had a baby so maybe your body needs some recovery time? It can take at least a year or even 2 to get back to normal?
especially with sleep deprivation. I never thought we'd be able to conceive a second and first was ivf but we conceived her after trying for just under a year. You never know what's round the corner! Try and enjoy your baby he's so little. My second is 11 months and it's flew by xx

I found focussing hard on the positives of just having one helped. It took a very long time, but I am so grateful to have one healthy child. That outweighs the slight sadness about not having a second.