Husband doesn't want a second child, I do

[BreezyLilacZebra]

I have one daughter who is 5. Early on, both my husband and I wanted another. Covid was very isolating (she was 5 months when it hit) and we had no support for 1.5 years. As she got older, my husband became more opposed to the idea of another child. He was worried about finances, the strain of raising a child, and our ages (we are in our early forties). I got pregnant once during this time, but it didn't stick. I have eggs frozen from when I was younger and I tried to get him to consider IVF. He has since changed to a firm "no". I am absolutely devastated. It's been 9 months since his decision and I am still experiencing overwhelming grief that renders me barely functional. Amongst my daughter's friends and peers, there are virtually no families with only children. She has asked for a little sister or brother and it kills me that I don't get a shot at giving her that. I know my husband gets to make his own decision and I can't dictate what he wants, but I am so desperately sad. I don't see a way out of this grief. I have a therapist and she says there is nothing that can lessen the grief. Has anyone had a similar experience?

I haven’t experienced it so I’m giving you a bump.

I was an only child though and whilst yes, it would have been nice to have a sibling, I still had a happy childhood. You just have to be really positive to your daughter about it, don’t let her pick up on your feelings.

I sympathise so much though, does your DH understand how you are feeling? He’s right not to agree to a second child if he knows he doesn’t want one but that doesn’t mean he shouldn’t acknowledge the impact on you.

Firstly, your child doesn't actually know what she is asking for. Siblings fight, and spend a lot of time wanting the other one to go away. Yes, there are moments when they play beautifully together, but they are generally far fewer than the percentage of time she'd play nicely with a good friend so arrange playdates instead. So don't let her asking for a sibling (because what she is actually picturing is a baby she can pretend to mother, not a preschooler who will break her stuff or a preteen who will steal her clothes) get under your skin.
But when it comes to dealing with and moving past the grief, I don't know how you do that. I suspect that your therapist is right and that you don't, and all you can do is muddle along in its company. Grief is hungry though, so don't let it steal the enjoyment of your child through pining for a second or you won't have either.

Agree that you have no idea how siblings would work. Your DD might be very jealous and hate having one!

I'd also say that a 6-7 year age gap is tough because by the time the baby can actually play, the eldest will be off at secondary school and won't want to.

I would focus on all the amazing opportunities you can give an 'only' because you have more time to give. (I have two and it is very hard spreading my time across them both)

I’m sorry that you are in disagreement with your husband about a second child.
As others have mentioned your DD has no idea what she is asking for - a sibling is not a gift you give a child.

Could you try and find a different therapist? It doesn’t sound like the one you are seeing is being very helpful. Whatever you do, please don’t manipulate your DH into having another baby.

It’s very hard but it does get easier. I would say my son wanted a sibling very much between about 5 and 10 - ie the primary school years. It was painful to know I was denying him that for those years. I’m certain he wanted one at other times, but has been much more ok with it in general.

Easier for me because I was not broody at all and really didn’t want to be pregnant, plus Dh was so unwell it made no sense at all to try for another.

I do know a couple of wonderful mothers of only daughters who couldn’t have another due primarily to age resulting in miscarriages. They both have very close and loving relationships with their daughters and appear to be doing well. I hope so much that you will be able to enjoy every minute of your uninterrupted time with your daughter and your family as it is.

Another one here to agree with other posters. Your five year old probably says that she'd like a lot of things, and most of them won't be possible. Don't conflate what you want with feeling guilty for not giving her what she says she wants. I know plenty of siblings that don't have a good relationship, she might say she wants a pony next week. She has no idea of what that means in reality, 5am alarms in winter, mucking out, the cost. It's a notion, that is all. And that's ok, and it's fun to wish for things, but it doesn't mean it's something you need to bring about or she will never be happy.

I would agree that you're at risk of missing what's under your nose, while pining for something you don't have. We have a really strong two child norm in this country, it's not the same everywhere. We also have a negative slant on only children, when it is just as valid a family model as any other. It's what you've got, it's what she's got. It's what the two of you as a couple created. You need to work really hard to change your thinking here, you being rendered barely functional for much longer is going to start to jepordise the relationship you have with your DD, and your relationship with her Dad, and the stability of your family unit.

There are no guarantees in life. You've got to work with what you've got. Perspective, acceptance, gratitude.

It's strange you don't know anyone else with one child - loads in our circle have one. Agree with PP that your daughter doesn't really know what she's asking for, and tbh, a probable 6 or 7 year age gap isn't going to mean she has a playmate.

Perhaps concentrate in your therapy (and tbh, your therapist doesn't sound great) on coming to terms with the situation - your DH's considerations are entirely understandable.

You could waste years of your life being miserable about the situation rather than accepting and enjoying your life with the daughter you have.

Thanks to everyone for your thoughts. My husband does know how I am feeling, but he thinks I am overreacting and also thinks I am "acting" in order to punish him. That's not true, but I'm tired of trying to convince him of that. We have a couple's counsellor, but we don't have a chance to see him much.
I realize that I can't show my pain to my daughter and I play with her a lot, am silly with her, and do a lot of stuff with her, and she gets a lot of opportunities (e.g., traveling all over the world). It's hard that in her class of 49 kids, there isn't a single other family that only has one child. We moved to the area we live in now just before Covid so didn't have much time to make friends, and my only close female acquaintance who lives here is pregnant with her second child, which I find really really hard.
I know I need to come to terms with my husband's decision, and I try to do this by focussing on my work, which is demanding, and my sweet daughter, as well as doing therapy and mindfulness practice. But the grief doesn't seem to get less. I'm hoping time will help.
Thank you again for your words. It's given me some more energy to work on myself.