Being irrational over wanting a second child.

[Rosieposy89]

Hi,

Just wanting advice/someone to talk sense into me!

I'm 36, incredibly lucky to have my dd4. She is our absolute world and a miracle baby after a fertility battle. I know I am lucky to have her and I feel ungrateful for feeling our family is incomplete.

We have been ttc a sibling since May 2023. One miscarriage and two failed ivf treatments. We still have frozen embryos left.

On paper, it makes more sense to stop ttc and dd be an only.
Fertility treatment is expensive
We live in a 2 bed and would need to move house (we want to move eventually)
I work part time and would likely need to increase my hours if we had another
We can give dd a richer childhood. We don't really need to think about the costs of experiences etc and we'll be in a better position to help her in childhood.

However, the thought of her being an only makes me sad, she doesn't have cousins yet. Also, my heart just wants another one. I was one of three, my younger sister died last year and I've been so grateful to have my brother to go through it with. It makes me sad that she won't have sibling support for life's challenges like this.

I just don't know how to get my brain to accept that it's better to stay as we are. It's really frustrating after we struggled with infertility.. why am I being ungrateful 😕

I don't think it's ungrateful at all.

And I'm not totally sure why you are trying to talk yourself into one child and giving up on trying at least your saved embryos. It's not so hideously expensive to use them compared to fresh IVF?

If your heart says yes, keep trying. You're still actually very young in the fertility game.

My only is perfectly happy not to have a sibling. And loves the nice holidays and hobbies we can afford because she’s an only. And my brother is a negative not positive in my life. So forget all that.

Do you and your DH want to carry on trying? Can you afford it? If so, do, if not don’t.

Thank you @Tealpins. You're right, luckily frozen transfers are a quarter of the price of a fresh round. We will not do a new fresh cycle. I'm glad we have that boundary.

I think if we didn't have the embryos, I would just have accepted our situation.
I'm not sure either why I'm trying to give up on the embryos. Maybe the failures are me trying to protect myself.

Thank you for telling me to follow my heart ❤️

Thank you, I know I need to stop thinking about dd and a sibling's relationship as I cannot control any of that really.

We can afford to use the rest of our embryos, but we feel to do another fresh round is too much of a gamble due to low ovarian reserve. My DH desperately wants a second child, but finds fertility treatment hard. Due to cervical scarring, the transfer procedure is brutal and he finds that difficult to witness. (It's hard for me too, but if it works it is worth it). We're taking it one transfer at a time

I’m a bit older than you OP and also had a long infertility journey to have a child and have several had failed IVF attempts since then.

Whilst you still have embryos I personally would keep going, but I would speak to the clinic about how they can make the transfer itself easier for you, whether that could be light sedation or a practice transfer to understand your anatomy. And maybe get DH not to attend, if you’re worrying about him/his feelings when you need to focus on yourself. I’ve had a few transfers without DH (including my one that worked).