Encouraging independence in 11yo Son

[Cinnamonspider]

Last night I went on a Mum's night out and we were all discussing what will happen when our kids start secondary school in Sept.
A lot of families are leaving their kids alone for short periods and their kids want to/have to travel to school independently.

Our Son is 11 and we've always driven him to school and walked up with him to pick him up and drop him off. I've said to him if he wants to walk to and from by himself or with friends he can but he insists I'm there, its the same with secondary school as well. He still wants me to walk to and from when I drop him off. I'm self employed and so have the luxury of working my schedule around him.

I couldn't help but compare all these kids going independently of their parents and worried I must hold him back in someway. But I've also really believed in being led by him in what hes feeling ready to do and give him the freedom to do that. Where we lived previously, he never wanted to walk to the shop alone and the few times he went to play with the kids on the estate, it would either end up in tears or just get bored and come home!!!!

I wonder is it different with only children and becoming independent? I do want to encourage his independence, when hes ready to do so but i dont want him to be comfortable in us being at his beck and call. I feel like is a bit of a fine line!

He's neurodiverse, possibly ASD but not diagnosed I might add, and feels security with an adult around.

I understand taking everything at your childs pace but I would be worried he would get teased if you walk him up to secondary school. I imagine it will feel uncomfortable to start with but may force him to make friends - if you are there he never has to interact with anyone and will be known as the one whose mummy walks him to school. I would encourage some independence in this area.

You can’t walk him into secondary school (maybe the first day but no more). Maybe use the summer holidays to practice the route to give him more confidence? You could drive him in if necessary?
My dd is also an only and honestly wouldn’t be seen dead with near school with us in year 7 so I don’t think it’s because he is an only child, just a personality thing. She has always pushed to be independent and do things like walk home from school alone, go to the shop etc so we’ve never had to encourage, more hold back.

I think it’s great to go at his pace but you might need to gently encourage a bit more independence before September, maybe get him to run to the shop to help you out and get milk or something?

I don’t think this is an only child thing. Mine iwas begging to do stuff alone, but I don’t think you should worry. He is still young and going at his pace. There is no harm in this and I think all our children are going at different paces with different things. Just enjoy it - soon enough he’ll shake you off 🤣

There were year 7s being walked for two terms at DS’ school. DS was dead against but some were fine with it

I'm sorry but you can't walk him to secondary school! Teenagers can be bloody cruel and it will put a target on him for day 1.

Build up over the summer, walking him part way and leaving him to do the rest himself. So long and you don't think it's actually unsafe for him to do so.

Set him little tasks like going to the shop for milk or collecting a parcel etc. It's so important to build this independence.

i don’t think it’s an only child thing, but it may be related to his ?neurodiverdisty ?
Or some kids develop independence / confidence at different rates ?

Thanks everyone.
He'll be doing 2 transition days next week so I will drop him for those and we'll go from there.
What I did fail to mention was this school is being brand new and Y7 will be the only cohort of kids in there. They will be starting at the primary for 2 terms then onto the new secondary school. They'll be the oldest on site.

I understand everyone's view on being the kid that gets walked in could be a cause for bullying, its a bit of what I'm afraid of.
He'll have to be driven in anyway, im just thinking of parking away from the school as there's not much room for cars.

The problem with being led by your child is that some children don’t like moving out of their comfort zone at all.

I have a 24 year old with ADHD and anxiety still living at home with me and if I was led by her she’d never move out or get a job.

i am not led by her and I have had to push at times to get her to do things that she has really benefitted from.

At 11 I would be pushing him a little. Start small, send him to the shop for something you need for dinner - give him a responsibility and a reason for doing it rather than just telling him to go somewhere by himself for no reason as he can then focus on his purpose rather than worrying about being alone. Use the summer to build up on this - give him more and more tasks taking him further afield. Find a good spot on the route to school that you can stop and he can walk from, preferably at least 15 minutes walk, and have him practice the route until he's confident. Maybe he can arrange with some friends to all get dropped off at the same place and walk together.

My DD is also 11 and being referred for ADHD assessment.
She has walked to school (though it's only 5 mins) since Y5 and we've pushed her to do things on her own. She goes to the shops and the library.

School have had independence trips too this year and they have gone on the bus to the next town, they have done really well.
DD just told me one of her friends isn't trusted to cross the road so didn't go. I think this is a bit sad - and they are planning to take him to secondary school every day.

In all my 7 years of having secondary age DC, I have never seen a child walking to or from with a parent. I think you need to set that expectation as a minimum for September. Even if you are only dropping him a short distance away, he needs to be gearing up for doing the last bit on his own/meeting a friend to walk in with.

I have a very shy DC and I'm afraid that by the end of primary I was no longer being led by them but quite firmly pushing them out of their comfort zone. Dropping them outside clubs/activities and making them make their own way in/sign the register/find their coach etc "while I parked the car." Or sending them into the petrol station shop with my card for xyz "while I did the fuel." This did cause some wobbles and anxiety but I gently but firmly insisted. I can't see that they would have taken those steps ever if I made it easy for them not to.

I have carried on by making them take public transport to things rather than giving lifts, even when I could have for eg.

How is he feeling now @Cinnamonspider? Is he feeling anymore secure in having some time away from you?