Regret not having a second child

[1980Mummy]

I am 45, my child 12. Over the last year I have found myself ruminating over the past, wishing I had given my child a sibling.
At the time life was very busy, I never felt it was the right time to have a second child, but now we are older and I have more time I feel this sense of regret. My concerns now stem from the fact I am older (my husband is same age) and I’ve started worrying about the future. Concerns that our son will have no immediate family when we are no longer here etc. These worries seem to consume my thoughts day and night. I’ve read all the articles about only children, they are more common, that siblings don’t always get along etc but the thoughts continue….
I have ruled out trying for a second child at this age, I don’t feel like I could physically or mentally handle it now.

There are lots of positives to having / being an only child. As you’re clear that ship has sailed, I think you need to focus on the positives and possibly have some therapy to help the way you are feeling. Focus on giving your child the best life and building the strongest relationship you can with them.

Thank you for the reply. It’s very hard to keep my mind focused on any positives, I continually worry about loneliness and lack of family in later life. I feel like I’ve done my child a disservice.

Consider what would've life looked like if you had gone aheadand had the second child? Would you have your career? Money? Freedom? You might not be in the same position - you are looking at this with rose tinted glasses.

TBH it sounds like it might have been a struggle for you to handle it at any stage as you say life has been very busy.

Having a child for your other child is madness IMO, I have a sibling and we haven't got on in 45 years! Your son will no doubt make his own family as I have, get married and have children himself. He doesn't have to live alone his whole life because he has no siblings!

My sibling is the last person I'd turn to when I lose both my parents, in fact I'd much rather be facing dealing with it all on my own/with the family I have made. My son loves being and only and I really wish I had been one too!

There is absolutely no reason for your son to be lonely just because he doesn't have siblings - unless they live very near I don't know anyone who spends much time with their siblings anyway.

I have one who is 11. I’ve recently had the same worries about the future and my child not having anyone. Even weirder was the thought if they also marry an only. I’m from a large family and one of 6 myself. Ex DH is one of two. We have shocking siblings that haven’t been there in times of need with either set of parents. We aren’t especially close and most live far away. We’ve always relied on previously each other and our friendship groups. I’ve also had a conversation with my child about being an only and how they feel. DC has never asked for a sibling, hears friends arguing or getting into trouble because of siblings and said life is better without, especially when we can invite a friend or friends for trips out etc and not have to worry financially. So I don’t feel so bad now. Have you had a chat with your son? Been through how different life would have been with another?

Firstly I would give yourself the grace of acknowledging that your feelings are valid. It is fine to feel sad or grief about how things could have been different. The reality may be that it was never sensible to have a second child but this doesn't detract from the legitimate sadness you feel about your child not having a sibling.

On threads like this there are usually loads of posters piling on that are absolutely adamant that a sibling isn't a guarantee of anything and you child could end up estranged from their sibling anyway. I imagine you already know this and can also see that lots of people benefit greatly from having siblings too.

My advice is to feel the feelings and work through them. I would also question if these emotions are particularly high now as you are in the era where another child biologically may not be an option. The finality of this can exaggerate longing for something you know you can't have anymore. It's why a lot of people at this age suddenly crave another baby.

Since it can't be changed now, I would be proactive to tackle the 'downsides' you've identified. You worry about your child having no close family when they're older, so are there any cousins with whom you could make more effort to forge/solidify good relationships? Also, good longtime friends can be just as good as family, so I would focus on helping your son build the skills to forge deep lasting friendships. Moving around a lot will not help with this, for example. Settle in a place and get to know everyone, so that he feels he has a place and a people he really belongs to.

I am an adult only child and I must admit I do feel quite lonely as an adult. I would love to have more family, and agree with the poster above that it would be a good idea to try to strengthen ties with any cousins or close family friends. I think it is good for an only child to have someone they can share memories of their parents and childhood with once you are gone. I don't have that and I feel very daunted by the prospect of being alone with my memories one day.

Just to say, I'm in my early 50s and very much share the sense of regret for not having a second child (nevermind that it wasn't actually my fault we didn't have one). There's no reasoning away for that feeling, one might rationally understand why things were the way they were and STILL feel that way. Have done for years now.
A long winded explanation for why I want to send a hug to the OP. 🤗

I've got 1 child and now late 30s and don't really want anymore. My sister was awful to me growing up so at least he won't put up with that. My dh is an only and never bothered him. It's more common now. Also talking to older women in work alot say they wish they'd just had 1 child due to the conflicts and extra work more kids bring.

You are only 45! And you’ll only be 55 in 10 years, when your son is a grown man of 22! It is most likely he will have multiple decades more of his parents in his life so you don’t need to worry about leaving him yet OP.
I have an only child and I was sad about it for a while but now I’m relieved we didnt have more. Like others have said, we promote cousin relationships and teach the value of friendship and promote things like clubs, team sports and being a good friend to our DC. DC also sees us surrounded by friends and valuing long term and loyal friendships. I think this sets kids up to be social and well bonded as much as possible.

Edited to correct typo- I had put “boned” instead of “bonded”

When my son was young I felt I was doing my best to give him everything I could and ensure he was happy. Now he is 12 and I’m mid 40’s I look back with regret as to why I didn’t push to have more family. It seems easy to look back now and question why we didn’t but at the time it definitely didn’t feel easy. Now I’m getting older I worry about the future, will my son be ok with no siblings, and my anxiety in general about the future is high. I do tell myself to be thankful for what I have, and try to ensure my son doesn’t pick up on my worry’s but they have been going on for 18 months now, I realise I can’t change them, but they are always still there in the background.

Thank you, totally I rationally understand why it happened, but I still feel the way I do xx

You made the decision that was right for you at the time, for what were good reasons, I'm sure.

If it helps, I've heard so many women with families of all sizes wish they'd had more when they get to middle age. Wonder if it's a hormonal thing as our fertility starts to ebb?

You’re only 46, op! Why would you assume your son won’t have built his own family unit / support network before your time is up?
He’ll be absolutely fine.

Your child is 12! You have already consigned them in your mind to a life of lonely isolation.

Why are you imagining this fictional scenario and being unable to sleep over your imaginings? They are not real. They exist only in your head.

If you want to imagine something, why not imagine your child as an adult with a life full of friends, a spouse, children and in-laws? Why not imagine your child happy?

I think therapy would help you to get a more balanced approach to all this.

Do you what you can to raise your child as a confident adult with high self-esteem and feeling well loved.