One and done???

[Newmum7777]

Hi everyone,
I'm posting here because I feel I need some reassurance or something.
I am mum to the most gorgeous 10 month old little boy. I love him so so much…AND parenting has been really, really hard (it feels weird even saying that- I get weird looks if I do say it out loud!)
We had a miscarriage before him and I was very unwell during my pregnancy and was in hospital. When he was born he wasn’t breathing and then had an infection and I also had a post partum haemorrhage. I am grieving the fact that I didn’t have that immediate skin to skin contact. Anyway, The new born days were hard and beautiful and that’s how it is every day. Hard and incredibly beautiful. Yet- I don’t want another one. And literally everyone says ‘what about number 2?’ and it’s so annoying. I am 36 so I’m a slightly older mum. The pregnancy, birth and post partum (including the medical care) were all incredible traumatic and I don’t want to repeat it with another one and a toddler! It just feels so invalidating when people say “you’ll change your mind”. I honestly don’t want to go through that again and the level of overwhelm I have felt with one child… I genuinely worry about my MH if i then have two (husband in office working long hours). Am I being selfish? Am I creating a lonely life for my LO? I know I’m not but sometimes I doubt myself. Thanks in advance.

You are not alone. 13 years later I'm still loving my life with dd, dh and ddog.

Only child here . Growing up I enjoyed having my parents to myself .
I could also see that I had a slightly better lifestyle than some of my friends who had a few siblings in the way of more days out , holidays to nicer locations , more Christmas presents , clothes , books etc .

Was I a spoilt child ? No not really my parents were quite grounded and I didn't particularly come from a rich , privileged background , but they did invest in me with their time and love etc .

Was I ever lonely , yes sometimes . I can remember during the winter months and you can't go out to play with your mates , thinking they can still have fun indoors with their siblings whereas I was at home alone ( obviously parents about )

I have sometimes felt I've missed out by not having a sibling ( sister especially ) but having one does not guarantee a good relationship with one .

Both my parents are now dead and I am conscious that I have no-one to share the memories of my childhood with and remember my parents with .

In conclusion , do I feel I missed out ? yes a bit , but I had great parents to myself and have lovely memories of them that I don't have to share .

It's ok to just have your one child . You can put your everything into them and give them all your time and effort . You ( and them ) might have some what if's but they will always know they had you to themself and were loved and surely that's what a child needs irrespective of whether you need a sibling for them .

Sorry for the long post .

Definitely not selfish. You’re being realistic after a series of traumatic events. I think it’s incredibly common to just have one child, I have a lot of friends with one. Just focus on making friends with mums who have kids their age. Lots of play dates. And when they start nursery, school etc, again make the effort to have strong networks for them. Any cousins etc, the same. Also get a dog when your son is a bit older.

for yourself, I would suggest a little bit of therapy to make peace with this all and also talk through some of the stuff you have been through with the birth and miscarriage etc. I don’t think you are older mum btw, maybe in some circles, but I was 39 and 41 when I had my kids. My friend just had her 4th at 44. So what I am saying is, you have time to just marinade on the idea of sticking with 1 or going for a 2nd. You don’t have to rush.

Our "one and done" is heading towards 4 years and seems perfectly happy and sociable, but we did try to get them out and about when young (shops, cafes, meeting friends, walks around the local park, etc).

Being in nursery also helped a lot, I think, plenty of other kids to play with (even if you only end up using the 15-30 free hours)

Before we had DD we potentially wanted two. After an easy pregnancy but traumatic birth and being told by the Health Visitor she would see us again in a year or two (ha!), we decided our family was complete. We were approaching 37 and I’d have been 39 at the birth of a potential second child if we waited the two years post section as per the recommendations given to me. We just knew and were happy with that decision. DH had the snip nearly 3 years ago and I STILL get asked if I’m having another, by people who are actually aware that he’s had the snip, no less. One friend of mine asks me regularly, despite knowing it’s never going to happen. I think she’s projecting as she’s trying for no3.

We’re happy, DD is happy, we can divide and conquer the family chores and DD’s hobbies. DD gets our undivided attention. We don’t feel guilty at all!

Edit: DD has been in childcare since she was 1 and is totally happy and a little social butterfly and very popular with her peers. That’s the only thing I felt was important as she wouldn’t have people her age at home.

I’m one and done. Dd is 14 now and we’re very happy as a family of 4 (with ddog). Don’t feel guilty and you are not selfish. Having a loving sibling relationship is really a roll of the dice.

Overwhelmed with the kindness and grateful for all your messages. Thank you thank you. Xxxxxx

spotted your comment about not having the immediate skin to skin contact at birth. I found that that was really bigged up as important before the birth, leading anyone who didn’t experience it (for very very valid medical reasons!) to feel they were missing out.

I did do it, thought it was a really grim experience - baby covered in my blood (which was gross), did latch on immediately but that made no difference to the serious breastfeeding problems we experienced that week, it wasn’t cute and cuddly like it is portrayed. Didn’t help us bond (didn’t bond for months, I ended up going through severe PND). I even had to hold my baby whilst they repaired my tears and episiotomy cut which was horrible as it was so painful and I was desperate to put my baby down somewhere as I was terrified I’d drop her.

I’ve come across several people who found the same. A couple of whom were even wee’d or pooed on as the baby comes straight out and is dumped on your chest so no nappy!

Honestly, it’s very over-rated!