Comments from other NCT families

[bloominglove]

DH and I discussed prior to trying to conceive DS (which took a long time and a number of miscarriages, which was so hard) that we would be “one and done”. I had dreams of a big family but as I got older I’ve reasoned that one is enough - mainly due to various major health issues that I have to control before getting pregnant and during pregnancy, trauma from my first birth, fear of more miscarriages, poor mental health at times, size of our house and not having the money to move, struggling with the newborn days, loneliness as a parent, and finding having a toddler REALLY hard.

We met with some NCT friends a few months ago and a lot of pointed comments particularly
from the men, asking wouldn’t our son get lonely, that we’d change our mind, to “join their club”, that it would “happen for us” eventually etc. It really affected me and made me feel left out that I’m not part of the second baby crew, they will all have their new babies similar in age and I’ll be different. That we and our decision was somehow wrong?!

I have been replaying these in my head and just need some reassurance that my gut feel is the right thing. It just makes me feel like there’s something wrong with me for not wanting another child. I have a sibling and we are now very close despite not being close at all in childhood. I do think about my child being an only child but also what this can afford him too!

DH definitely doesn’t want anymore, and in my heart of hearts neither do i. I don’t get that newborn fuzziness when holding friends babies, the idea of going through it all again makes me feel anxious and leaves me cold. the thought of weaning, sleep recessions, breastfeeding, milky sick, labour, all the milestones - it makes me think that on our near horizon is a bit more independence with a child who is learning more and doing more, and able to come away with us on more holidays and weekends away for example with fewer implications, costs and planning. I love DS more than anything and have loved seeing him grow and blossom and become an amazing little boy. But sharing him with another child and focusing on all that again knowing how difficult kids can be…

We can afford another financially (nursery costs etc) but couldn’t afford to move house for an extra bedroom. I am very career driven too, and the thought of taking another year out to bring up another child fills me with dread, and having another child to fit into our already busy life is something we don’t want either.

Any input or similar feeling greatly received!!!

Totally get you, I imagined two children but had to have ICSI due to fertility issues of my husband so took us longer to have our son, and although pregancy was a breeze, birth was faffed up by the consultant strike and a botched induction ending in stalled labour and emergency section traumatised us enough to probably in hindsight give me pnd which I denied I had at the time. Cue a refluxy unhappy baby, a bad sleeper and a big life move to be able to avoid paying London nursery fees as we'd spent half our intended deposit on ivf so would have spent yet more on nursery, so left our home and friends to be nearer family for a few years so im taking a career break (which in hindsight hasnt helped at times as i love love loved my job), and although we have 4 embryos still at my age of 37, by the time I get back into work and can think of a transfer, I'd be pushing 40. That's fine for some but I felt my body, despite being really fit and healthy before,has been through the mill from pregnancy and subsequent awful sleep for 18 months.

Everyone knows what we've been through and we still get the comments about having a second, and in my deepest heart I feel yes another would be lovely, but the reality of making that happen would be a huge toll. I also feel we lucked out with our son. He is healthy, happy, and it feels a risk to try for another when risk factors like twins, pnd, birth issues, genetic issues with baby etc etc, are all possible. It's a risk I don't think my husband and I can face, and I'm very honest when I get the comments from people and just say you know, I'll probably always wonder and probably will always be a little sad about it, but I'm quitting while I'm ahead and focusing on giving my son, who was hard won, the best of me.

X

Families come in all sorts of shapes and sizes. There is nothing wrong with being one and done if that is what is best for your family.

There may come a time when your son says he wishes he had a sibling (remember they don't know the reality of that, it's a fantasy), but that doesn't mean you should have had one. He will adjust and manage. (You can bet that if he had a sibling there'd also be days he wished he didn't).

You decide what you want and anyone else's opinion is irrelevant.

It’s so rude to say that you. They sound very annoying. They just want reassurance that their choices are best. One way I found to shut it down is ‘I know people find it a weird choice, but I think we’ve moved past that sort of judgement now’. Everyone scrambles around to get out of the hole they dug.,Or find your own response, but be ready for next time

DH and I are one and done. It always seems to be the thing to say doesn't it , from some people "when are you having another" "won't he/she be lonely". Same old comments, from the 1980's (and beyond) book of parenting. It drives me insane. Like there is a certain set of questions that must be asked once your child gets to around two years of age.

There is NO guarantee siblings would get on and be there for each other and all the other idealistic things parents imagine when they have another purely for the reasons mentioned above or why they badger others to have another for this reasoning. And anyway, questioning others reproductive choices has always baffled me!! I would never do that to anyone else, questioning their choices? Seriously?

We all do what is right for us. Our DC has the best life and the best of us. She goes to a great school, has many friends, clubs, holidays, quality time with us both. We can save for her future to help her along, and god forbid if she ever needs emergency health care/dental care etc.. we can afford to pay for it privately.

I think sometimes people need to concentrate on what they have already got and get things set in stone for them to raise them into adulthood in the best way they can, without then jumping on to child number 2, 3 or 4 because society tells us only one child will get 'lonely'.

You do you OP.

What is NCT and abbreviation for?

This is spot on. Politely throwing it back at them.
Absolutely none of their business

I don’t know how helpful this will be but I’ll try…

I’m currently pregnant with DD number 2.
I’ve had the genuine pleasure of having DD1 for 7 years just on her own. I’d have been 100% happy just having her for the rest of my life.
I’m very happy DD2 is on the way… but boy those unwanted comments from others just don’t stop.
All I’ve had is “you’ve got to be done now. 2 is enough.” “Are you going to try for another one for a boy?” “Is DP gutted this one is another girl?” “Good luck getting DD1 to bond with baby with a massive age gap”… blah blah the list goes on.

OP, people will have something to say no matter what you do or don’t do. So you might as well do is best for you.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with having one and being happy about it.
Your DC will be incredibly loved and doted on their whole lives ❤️

Your only obligation is to have a happy fulfilled life.
That's different for everyone.

Interesting it's mainly the men, are they not doing enough of the hard graft of parenting. Easy to say have more kids if you're not struggling to conceive them, birth them, breastfeed and carrying most of the load.

Only child here.
I've always loved being an only one, and I enjoy a close relationship with my parents to this day.
I have one child who says that they like being an only child too. Granted, neither of us know what it's like to have siblings, so we don't know what we're missing.
I have a good mix of friends, as does my DC. Maybe this is a key thing. Neither of us are lonely and lacking connections.
Interestingly, I've never had any negative comments about only having one. My mother said that she did. (70s / 80s)
There are many factors why I have one child; but I relate to your comments on the baby years. I found it a difficult phase and no desire to repeat; although I gave it my all.

First of all I would say that each of us is different and as someone has already said , families come in all different shapes and sizes .
I remember meeting someone who had 5 children and was also homeschooling . That was so beyond my comfort zone , but this woman was very happy and content with her family .

Why are you allowing these comments to worry and stress you months later ?I met some really lovely people in NCT class , but as I had other friends with babies the same age I didn't really make an effort to keep these friendships going and other than the odd email I didn't keep in touch with them .

So are you / your husband justifying the decision to yourselves ? it is a huge decision and you have listed multiple very valid reasons for not having another child .

I did think that you had mentioned frozen embryos but have read again and can't see you have . I do know age / fertility is a big factor . One solution would be to - put a pin in it . Agree that this is our decision now and we can revisit it again in a year's time and see if we have changed our mind . Just to flag up that as your egg quantity reduces some people can feel broody then , as their body is saying this is the last chance to conceive

There are so many pros and cons of having an only child . I know lots of only children and adults . Yes I think the early years can be more lonely for the child and they will probably ask for a sibling as they see friends with siblings . We all want what we don't have !

You will have make more of an effort with play dates and holidays won't be as easy in some ways as they won't have an automatic play mate . But as others have said , there are no guarantees that siblings get along in childhood / adulthood. They could have wildly different personalities and interests which will involve lots more juggling and pressure on the parents .

The single children I know are really independent and mature , as they spend more time in adult company . Their parents have been able to invest all their time and resources in one child only , so they do benefit from this .

The only child may have very close friends / cousins growing up which can mitigate the loneliness to an extent . It can be more difficult as the parents age and require more support and care as that is quite a burden on one adult . But you will see on the boards here, that even when there are multiple siblings , the burden can still be on one sibling only .

Wanted to say your reasons are so valid and I think 1 sounds the best for your family, you are so right for considering everything
You don't have to keep up these NCT friendships if they are moving in different directions. Interested it's the men saying this too!

1 is right for me aswell.
My only is 7 now and I've just turned 40. I'm still having these kind of comments.
I have been through a range of emotions with them from sad, angry to tearful.
Now I just say something weird and blunt so whoever is dishing out the comment stops speaking to me 😆

Something like : "I don't really like kids or people"
Or "You have to have sex to get pregnant"
tends to work!
Congrats on making the best decision for you.

My daughter has said that she is not having another baby, she has a 10 month old born when my daughter was 38. She has several reasons, including size of house, her age, impact on her career which she has worked hard to progress but the main reason is because she hated being pregnant. She had terrible heartburn, a bad back and felt very tired which impacted on her job. Also she had to stop riding her horse which she found very stressful!

I can see her point of view even though I would love another grandchild!

When I was pregnant with ds, there was 5 of us all due around the same date, one it was a second baby, but the rest of us only had the one & never bothered with any more. Ds loves being an only child, he always said he preferred to not have to share all his toys & belongings.a

I am pregnant now with first baby and dh has a referral for a vasectomy..I suppose in future if people ask incessantly about that I will just say dh had a vasectomy. Tbh it took 9 years to even conceive this baby and u would be 3 months shy of 33 when I give birth.

Do what is right for YOUR family OP. It’s ridiculous how people think they have a right to convince you to bring a whole new human into the world against your own better judgement!

@Imisscoffee2021 sorry to hear how your birth went, I remember you from some IVF threads. I also had a baby after a long fertility struggle and actually would love another but not sure that it will happen (have had unsuccessful attempts) so going to bear in mind that we too have been so lucky with DC1.

I’m with you, OP. I had similar times to you in some respects - I had a highly sensitive, fussy newborn and it’s only now at 2.5 years I’m falling in love with my kid all over again because I can enjoy her on a different level to before. I never had the easy kid! What helped me more than anything was the amazing childcare workers and her little friends at daycare (my DD has really flourished). I owe them my sanity.

I’m also soon entering my mid-40s so another one wouldn’t make sense medically. Risks for complications is high.

My marriage almost broke apart because of the stress of the hard times.

We also have no family support (ever) so this is why childcare has been so great.

I have 2 older siblings. DH has an older sibling. Neither of us were and are close to our siblings. And our family tree indicates we have similar patterns (my dad wasn’t close to his and same with my mums and her siblings).

I see though people who seem to thrive or are successful do for different reasons and not solely because they have a sibling. That is no automatic reason for success.