DH wants one child, but I want two

[moanaom]

Currently pregnant with our first (probably only) child, which has taken 5 years of fertility treatment to conceive. I am mid 30's and DH is mid-40's, so we're not young. DH also has health problems - not disabling, he works full time - but the main symptom is chronic fatigue.

We are so unbelievably grateful and excited for this child, and I'm really enjoying my pregnancy so far, feeling life growing in me, at last, it's amazing.

The problem is that I know I want two children, I always have. When the topic has come up, DH has never said definitely not, but was leaning towards one as being easier to cope with due to his health and age.

Because it's taken us so long to conceive, by the time we had a second, we would be late 30's/ late 40's.

I just feel at this point it's not going to happen and although I should just be appreciating this pregnancy (which I really do), I'm looking at the future and thinking my family might not be what I wanted and there is some grief there.

Not sure what I want from the thread really other than a bit of a vent, and wondering has anyone had similar experiences? How did you deal with it?

revisit the issue after 6 months
daft to be stressing about this now

Having small children is VERY tiring. The lack of sleep is torture.

If your DH has CFS I can totally understand why he would want to stick at one.

I know it’s a
trite comment but try to just enjoy this
one.
we wanted 2
but it never happened
we did have to makw the decision to stop trying as it wasn’t a natural process to conceive but once made, acceptance comes

its human nature and we rail against the unfairness

take care

This

Thanks, I know and it's not that I don't understand. It's not something we'd ever argue about - I'd never push for another unless we both wanted it.

But it doesn't mean it's easy - it's just not how I pictured things. I always saw myself with two children.

I would just park this until your baby is here and then enjoy them for a bit, either of you could do a full 360 on this!

I'm one of 5. Always envisaged I'd have a large family. Problems carrying and delivering babies meant I've only been able to have one. I had her at 34. I had a meeting with the consultant shortly after the birth who highly recommended no further pregnancies and I knew she was right.

I can hand on heart say I've never actually wanted another since dd arrived. I adore her. Dote on her. She's made my life complete. But there's no aching for any more. As someone else said, wait for baby to arrive. Give it 6 months to a year and think about it again. Your idea of a perfect family might be just that.

The romanticised view of having 2 small children is not the reality. As lovely as pregnancy is, there is everything that follows. It is great at times don't get me wrong! But it takes it's toll. And it's not something you'd ever argue about.....until you do. Everything that can will be a argument once you've had a baby.

I'd wait until you've had your baby (congratulations!) and reassess then. Reconsider in 6-12m time!

You are experiencing the 'lasts'. If you never have another child, you will never find out you are pregnant again, never have another 12 week scan etc. I felt this with DC2 as a baby at times (not whilst pregnant as I found pregnancy tough). I imagine it's far harder when you don't want it to be your last. It improved as I recognised childhood is long, and although you are leaving one bit behind, there is more to come.

I would try (not easy!) to switch your mindset to 'here and now' and enjoy your current experiences. Neither of you know how you will totally feel and either of you could change your mind. I appreciate you probably won't completely change your mind but once your DC is here, you might find some pros to just one that make it easier. Of course you are allowed to be sad, but it would be even sadder if it ruined your current experience you have waited so long for.

Take you baby for what it is , the perfect gift that every baby is.
Enjoy the experience , and stop looking towards the next one.
Do you do that on a day out , a meal out , a holiday ?
Surely you enjoy being in the moment . Do that here, enjoy every second .
This could be your only baby or maybe you will go on to have another or maybe two ! Who knows your husband could change his mind or maybe you will and only want one.
Congratulations btw .

Slightly different as I always wanted two but changed my mind after having one, I also have a chronic health condition (although I didn’t realise at the time!). One is SUCH a dream. Our home is calm, full of love and no bickering between siblings, we can afford to give DS opportunities we wouldn’t be able to offer a second child. I see so many parents juggling completely opposing needs of children and it just seems so stressful.

My DH only wanted one and I was desperate for 2. He did a full 360 with zero pressure from me when our first was 6 months old and we started trying when our first was 1.

I now want #3 and he initially said no but sometimes I think he's warming to the idea.

I never in a million years would have wanted 3 children before having a baby. And my DH didn't even really want one but then decided he wanted two.

It's impossible to know until baby is here so relax and enjoy see what happens.

You've been fortunate enough to conceive one child and are already worrying about a second before the first has even arrived.

I agree with others: wait until the child you're currently carrying is here, then regroup. I thought I wanted more than one, but the impact of the first on my entire life was much more than I could ever have anticipated and I don't want more.

If your husband thinks you managed looking after number one really well he might consider having a second. I think he’s being sensible regarding his energy levels and he doesn’t want you to rely on him for support he probably won’t be able to offer.

I think there’s nothing quite like TTC, fertility, pregnancy, childbirth and small children to make you realise that the romanticised version rarely works out.

You are likely also grieving slightly due to your fertility issues because it’s unlikely you thought it would take this long to get here. I think if you don’t get the birth you want and find maternity leave hard, it might amplify this feeling of wanting two because it’s not matching your romanticised version.

The best thing I can suggest is to let go of any romanticised view of the future. You don’t know what childbirth or maternity leave will be like. You don’t know if you will have an easy baby or hard baby. If you focus on what you think it should be like/feel like then you’re going to feel like you’re never doing it right and won’t be able to enjoy this time because you should have got another chance.

Wait and see how you feel in a year, I only wanted one but as soon as I had DS I had decided I wanted another, DSIS was the opposite, she decided never again after her DD was born.

I always wanted two boys, had it all planned out in my head since I was a teen could never imagine being a family of 1 or 3+ children. It was always two. Then my first was born and it just changed not because I think it's too hard or had an awful time pregnant etc I loved it all (bar the tiredness and tantrum obviously!)

I joke that why would I bother with a second when my first is perfection, however the truth is him and my husband are my family now and I couldn't imagine any different. Point of all the above is things change and so quickly a child will always shake up your life in ways you don't expect. Give it time and enjoy this one it sounds like you've had a journey getting here ❤️

As it stands you don’t have one
you are pregnant op
enjoy it and just see how things go

I can understand your DHs point of view in your situation.
Concentrate on your pregnancy for now and see how you feel when your baby is 12 months - you might both feel differently by then

Enjoy your pregnancy and your baby. You don't know how you're going to feel after you've had your baby. Tbh if my dh had a chronic condition that's only likely to get worse with age (?) I wouldn't want to have to do the majority of the parenting of 2 children on my own.

Which is what happened to a relative of mine. She pretty much brought the DC up by herself.

I always saw myself with more than one child even after my first was born I was sure I would have another. But then I changed my mind. Just because you are adamant you want two now doesn't mean you will still think the same in two or three years time.

Whether you have one or two or more you have succeeded in becoming a parent, a mother. There's always the what ifs. Try and live in the moment and enjoy what you have. There's advantages to siblings and disadvantages. A lot of it is fate.