DS prefers dad to me

[Shayisgreat]

My ds is 6. He very openly says that he likes and loves his dad, my dh, more than me.

He tends to say this when he is overly tired or when I say no to something. He tells me that he doesn't like my rules - like we don't get up in the morning until 6.30 (obviously there can be exceptions) and he can only play 20 mins of roblox/minecraft at a time. DH doesn't have the same rules and is, frankly, a fairly lazy parent. He enforces rules when I'm there - or ask me if it's ok to break the rule this time - but not when I'm away. Like I went to tennis and the gym for 2.5 hours and DS played roblox for the whole time because DH was resting. So I'm always the bad guy.

Last night at dinner time DS said that he doesn't love me and that he loves his dad more than me. I did my usual of saying "well that's a shame because I love you". The reason I say that is because I know he loves me, he is testing out boundaries and saying it for a reaction. I don't feel like I can show to DS how hurtful I find it because I don't want to be telling him off again and still being the bad guy. Then DH said to DS "that's not nice to say, even if it's true" and it really really pissed me off. I'm already the parent who puts in boundaries and says no and tells DS off and now I don't feel like I can address DS saying this with anger or upset because it will only lead to him going more to his dad for comfort.

DH is a wet fucking blanket and I am so angry with him all the time. I don't know what to do. Any advice?

For clarity- my rules are things like we eat dinner at the table, DS can't watch TV all day, DS needs to have a bath and brush his teeth at night.

Your DH is a shit.

Hes buying love through being a push over and a friend instead of being a parent.

Saying “even if it’s true” is ridiculous. How old is he? 8?

He needs to back you up or piss off.

Youre a team and saying stuff like that emboldens your DS to go further.

Id be furious and tell DH to sort himself out, not in front of DS.

Your DS needs boundaries. Your DH is playing your DS off against you both.

Youre raising a child with good standards, with aspirations, your DH is raising him to be a lazy fucker. Sounds like the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.

Sympathy for this. Whenever DC is naughty, I need to fight two battles, one with DC and one with DP.

Thanks for the support!

Things in our relationship aren't great and it's upsetting me that it is bleeding into our care of our son. I sometimes feel that separation might actually be less confusing for DS and there'd be a clear difference in expectations in each home but I also imagine that DS would prefer to be with his dad and that I'd lose him.

At 6 he wouldn’t get a choice I don’t think. He’s too young. You’d get shared care. But you’d need to speak to a solicitor.

I would not be able to have my DH say something like that “even if it’s true” without having a very serious chat with him about loyalty and kindness. He’s behaving like a child himself.

you could look at Jimmy on relationships on YouTube.

for parenting I’m sure there’s some good advice out there but I don’t know any channels right now.

maybe look up “Lewis Howes parenting” on YouTube. I’m sure some good stuff will come up. It might give you some more tips about how to approach your DH with being more supportive of you and less disloyal!!

Yeah your husband sucks. I'd be temped to be just as petty back and make sure his laziness comes back to bite him. For instance, who's bought the Christmas presents for your DS? If it's you (and I'm willing to bet it is), then say they're just from you, and your kid will likely not get anything from him.
Obviously this is a short term strategy
Long term is probably to leave him.

When I say I'd lose him I mean emotionally - I will remain the bad guy in his eyes - and when DS is old enough he'll vote with his feet!

I work with families where parents are separating and I see parents inventing safeguarding issues or using manipulation techniques to undermine the child's relationship with the other parent. I would never like that to my child as it is a total mind fuck for them.

Just to add now to my frustrations with DH...

I've found 2 empty beer bottles and 3 empty bottles of spirits (vodka and rum) in the back of his cupboard, a litre bottle of vodka with about 1 shot left in it in the drinks cabinet, and a litre bottle of vodka in the recycling bin.

He has an issue with alcohol, I thought it was getting better, but I have been noticing that he is taking himself to bed early and then smells of drink when I go in.

I don't think I feel safe for him to have sole care of our child when I can no clue how much he is drinking. I'm not teetotal, and I don't object to drinking but this feels excessive.

Have a look at Al-Anon for support and seriously consider a separation. Your son won't prefer to live with a drunk and all the chaos that surrounds them, no matter how much Roblox he's allowed to play. He needs a stable, sane home environment and only you can provide that.