Son with ASD and Husband with depression - to be one and done

[Welshcakes28]

My son (4) was recently diagnosed with high functioning autism. I adore him but have found parenting him very challenging. He struggles emotionally, often with violent outbursts towards me on a daily basis. Every day things (getting washed, dressed, leaving the house, eating) are a battle. I have access to external support but it feels very trial and error.
My husband has suffered from depression for a long time, as well as other mental health issues and multiple mental breakdowns, including being hospitaised for 6 weeks. All of which impact his ability to parent.
I suppose the point I'm getting to is that I accept that we are one and done. As much as I would love a second child, I know that we wouldn't be able to cope in our current circumstances and I feel sad about that. I worry about my son's future and him being alone when we are gone.

It’s not what you imagined or wanted OP so I’m going to remind you of what you already know, which is that there’s no guarantee that siblings will get on, or even like each other or even end up living in the same country. The traditional saying is that you choose your friends but your family you’re stuck with: just look an all the posts on here where siblings don’t get on. You’ll help him make friends.

Thanks @HoppityBun that was food for thought. I have 3 half siblings. Not particularly close to 2. And the 1 I grew up with I see several times a year. We all live in different countries and we are all completely different.

A work colleague has got a 4 year old with suspected autism, and they're going through the EHCP process with school at the moment. They have just had another baby. He said yesterday that it's been like throwing a grenade into chaos.........and his wife already isn't coping. The baby is weeks old and keeping the wife awake most of the night, he's in the 4 year olds room who has been co-sleeping with Mum until now and as a result isn't sleeping - if he gets 5 hours, he considers that a good night. He's then putting a 9 hour day at work in. I feel very sorry for them but also do wonder what on earth they were thinking having another......

There's a lot to be said OP for viewing your load in life and knowing what you can juggle. I'm sorry that things are so hard for you

Thank you @Patienceinshortsupply it really helps to hear. I know I've made the right decision, I just need to come to terms with it.

It's just hard. I don't know what the future looks like for DS. Even though he has high functioning autism, it still feels as though he has high needs. He can be very rigid. I know deep down it would be near impossible to manage with another child and the risk of autism is higher with the second. We are wondering now if DH mental health battle is potentially linked to him having undiagnosed autism. I think it's a real possibility.

Life must be hard in many ways for DS, but this thought that you may decide not to have another child is hard for you too. Take care of yourself as well as him. x

Bookmarking
This is our life except I am the one with recurrent depression (also possibly due to undiagnosed autism)
I feel terrible about how lonely my son is - he is not coping at school and doesn’t have friends there, but I do know in my bones that we can’t “throw a grenade into the chaos” (great phrase PP)
Our DS also doesn’t have cousins, and is unlikely to.

I'm sorry you're going through it too @LazJaz. I think I came to the conclusion that I was probably wanting another child for the wrong reasons - definitely part of the pressure I felt to have "2 kids like everyone else" but also to have company for DS, someone that loves him as much as we do, someone to look out for him, understand him, and I know that's wrong and would put an awful lot of pressure on another child. Also given DS's volatile and often unpredictable temperament, I'd be constantly on edge incase he in a split second hurt the other child. He's a very sweet, kind little boy but can have very aggressive emotional outbursts and that shows no signs of abating, although he masks very well at school. I have a friend who has been diagnosed with autism and her husband is potentially on the spectrum. Both kids have autism but it presents in different ways. Eldest is high functioning but the youngest will unlikely be able to live independently. As a family they manage very well and I suspect it is because they are all ND. They never go out, no date nights, no holidays (by choice) and don't like to socialise, work from home and are generally happy in their family bubble. I'm the opposite. I miss my old life. But I'm hopeful I can get some of it back now I've finally found a preschool that DS has settled in. I know having another child would really impact my ability to find old self again. Life is pretty chaotic as it is.

Thank you @Welshcakes28

I have an 8 year old with high functioning ASD who is absolutely gorgeous and sounds a lot like your DC, now 8 we still have regular meltdowns and still haven't had a full nights sleep. II also have a NT 6 year old.

Had I realised before becoming pregnant with DC2 I might have been concerned about having another, but at the time I assumed it was terrible twos ASD wasn't on my radar.

It can be hard work. But I wouldn't change it for the world. I couldn't imagine life without DC2 they are an absolute ray of sunshine and I'm so glad we had another.

The early days were extremely difficult and I thought I was going to have a breakdown. It's still hard especially when DC1 is dysregulated but they love each other very much and they are both incredible children.

Thank you for offering another perspective @sunshineinabag2 I think if my DH didn't have his mental health issues, I might try for another and roll the dice, but with his mental health being so up and down I know that I wouldn't be able to cope alone with 2 kids even if only one of them had ASD. I find with my son it's very physical. I can't imagine trying to calm him down whilst pregnant or whilst looking after a baby. But things may change. I'm not ruling it out forever but know I can't picture it right now.

Just wanted to add to @HoppityBun 's excellent post: even if the siblings did get on, it is manifestly unfair for the younger sibling to feel responsible for their older brother. I had my second DC years before my older DC's SEND became apparent - I hate the fact that they now feel that they will need to be responsible for their sibling in the event of my death. It is not their job