The decision to be “one and done”

[Jessie2024]

My daughter is only eight months old, and I’m almost 100% sure I don’t want any more children. My partner is the same. I absolutely love being a mother, and I’ve had the happiest, most rewarding and beautiful 8 months of my life. Honestly, I couldn’t love it more. But for some reason, this makes me not want another one? I don’t feel the need to extend our family, I feel so fulfilled with my daughter and I honestly wouldn’t go back to the newborn stage again, even though I enjoyed it at the time. I feel like I enjoy having one baby, and if I had more I wouldn’t enjoy it anymore, I would just be pushed to my limit, which means I wouldn’t be as good of a mother as I could be. I love the idea of pouring all my energy into my daughter, and raising her to be the best person she can be. However, people have (literally) argued with me about this. When people ask me if I want any more children, and I say “probably not”, people are very defensive about it. One colleague of mine said “she’ll be a spoiled brat then”, and a family member said “poor thing, she’ll grow up lonely”
Not only does this annoy me, because I’ve explained so many times that why would I have another child if I don’t WANT another child - isn’t that the whole point of having children? It also makes me feel guilty, like I’m depriving my daughter of something, and I’m starting to consider if I’m making the right decision, purely because of people’s comments. Has anyone else experienced this, and how do you deal with it?

I have no idea why anyone would question whether you are going to try and have more children, honestly it would serve them right if you replied with ‘actually, I can’t have any more.’ Then let them squirm out of that.
I would stop telling people and reply with either a ‘who knows’ or if they are getting on your nerves a more direct response to make them feel like a dick such as saying you are ill so that they stfu.
Having one child is perfectly fine. Having several children is perfectly fine. Not having any children is perfectly fine. I would never, ever question anyone’s decision as it had nothing to do with me.

I’m an only child and I’ve had this rhetoric given to me all my life. It is the reason I wanted to give my son a sibling, and I’m currently pregnant. That’s my personal feelings on it. At my son’s school there are quite a few only’s though as the parents are on average older professional types. I don’t think it matters too much what your preference is, nor for your child, just be prepared to keep hearing the whole only is lonely thing.

I only have one kid, not through choice but in hindsight it has worked well for us as a family. The only thing that makes me regret this slightly is the number of people who are the only child, who post about trying to juggle to needs of elderly parents. For this reason I am going to make sure me and hubby are banged up in an aged care home and not constantly on the phone asking for help.

I'm an only, my dad and grandma were onlies and I have an only DD who is 13. Made conscious decisions to only have 1. Anyone querying that gets told to fuck off cos it's no-one else's business. My MIL was awful for this but once I had straight told her to FO she has never raised it again.

Onlies are great amd I speak as an only too!

Well your colleague and family member sound like awful people…

People love to judge others for their choices. Just look at the various threads on here, like how some people can get worked up over whether other people spend the day at their own home in their pyjamas 😂 and in particular decisions that vary from the “norm” are prone to being judged. I think a lot of the time it comes from rigidity, defensiveness or a need to spout whatever stereotype they have heard so often they think it must be true.

Where possible, try to surround yourself with non judgmental people, and avoid telling those you can’t get away from anything personal. Be non committal about direct questions as a PP suggested. I am lucky that in 3 years I haven’t had any criticism about our one and done decision (at least to my face!) but DH has from his colleagues. But they criticise each other for everything so I’ve suggested he just doesn’t tell them anything.

I have one child and the only place I have heard negative comments about it is online! If you do end up sticking with one she will be absolutely fine. All the stereotypes about onlies being lonely, spoiled, maladjusted etc were debunked years ago.

I never understand this rhetoric that only children will be lonely. As I said on a previous thread, I think it's incredibly damaging this notion society perpetuatues that a sibling is the only meaningful relationship a person can have. If you're relying on a sibling as your only real deep relationship in life than that is a very lonely place to be.

Only child don't live on a deserted island with no one to speak to. They will build connections through their life whether it be through, work, education, hobbies etc. There's been various studies that have shown that loneliness comes through people being isolated from community and friendships, not from being only children.

I know many adult only children both as friends and cousins and they are from lonely. They are well adjusted, confident and great people to be around. I don't speak to my own siblings. Please ignore anyone that judges your decision. There are many many positives to having one child and it sounds like you are making the right decision for you and your family

Congratulations on your lovely baby. And all the best if you stop at one or have more later.

I was one of six, apart from anything else I had no illusions about siblings being company for each other or friends.

I stayed at one until my daughter was 10, a big part of the reason was that I felt as I think you do, it wouldn't be fair to the second one because tI couldn't love another one as much as my first .... turns out they are completely different, and I am grateful every day that I did have my second child.

I wonder if this is quite a good option, if you have the luxury of leaving a 10 year gap, as to a certain extent you are raising two only children?

Well there are huge pros and cons to both options. It can only get to you if you have any doubt yourself though as otherwise it’s just noise and nonsense like anyone’s unwanted opinions.

We struggled with conceiving so expected to have only one. She is wonderful in every way but would have had a different childhood if we hadn’t got ‘lucky’ and had twins when she was a toddler. My three are so close and their siblings are incredibly important to each of them. Their dad is very sick and they have been able to support each other.

I was absolutely broke and knackered for years though and haven’t been able to give them as much as I could if there were one or two of them. They could have had better schooling, uni support, driving lessons or a car. Inherited enough to buy a house one day!

If I hadn’t had the twins I would never have known them and be living a much more comfortable but less full life. Nobody can ever imagine their children not existing so they are going to project that when they speak to you.

My DD is an only and she is wonderful and our life is great, it is no less full than the lives of families with more children. It may possibly be easier and more comfortable and I do believe I'm a better parent to my DD than I would be with more children because I have more space, energy and patience.

We have one DC and I felt a lot like you about it @Jessie2024. There was such a sense of joy and fulfilment when he was small that we didn't want another child. On a practical level as well both myself and DP worked full time and childcare costs were costing us more than our mortgage. That was another reason we decided not to.

However now DC is older, and as parents we're past the age of sensibly having another, I do look back and think it would have been nice to have had another. Just seeing how good DC is with younger relatives, I don't know if that's part of the reason I feel differently about it in hindsight.

In terms of the "loneliness" aspect, when I was a kid it frustrated me I could never get time to myself. DB was like a shadow. Nobody ever says "Oh poor thing, never gets any time alone".

DC used to go to an after school club, swimming, climbing etc. He does sports where he's at training a couple of nights a week and sees his team mates on a weekend. We just wanted to make sure he had plenty of opportunities to make friends and mix with other kids.

Hmm have to be honest being "one and done" would never be a choice I deliberately made for my eldest. In fact I ended up doing a lot of IVF to have more children. It's great that you are fulfilled ...my eldest practically begged for a sibling from the age of 3. The bond she has with them is lovely. Yes not without the usual childish spats but she is fiercely loving and protective and loyal of them. No that may not continue into adulthood but that's my job as a parent to raise them all in such a way that they grow into well rounded individuals who deal with any fall outs sensibly without cutting each other off. My sibling as much as we have had fall outs and have little in common and don't see her loads she is still my ride or die. No friendship will come close to that.

You don't just deprive your child of the opportunity to be a sibling but also wider than that she'll never be an aunt, her children will never be cousins. She'll never have that one person (or more) that roots her to her past from a young age that has a shared history with you as their parents. Friends come and go from school from uni very few people these days have close friendships which have endured since primary school

I have a brother and we do not get on at all. My childhood was extrememly lonely as my mother was extrememly over stretched and unhappy. My son is an only and I have never doubted the decision. he is not spoilt or lonely, he has an amazing life. You do you, evreyone else can get to fuck. It's about what's best for your family, not society's bullshit nonsense.

But imagining just taking them away and how you're life would not be so full is probably not the reality is it, you're life would have been different and maybe with the extra free time and energy you would have developed other interests / career etc that mignt have made your life as full as it is now

Ehhh I think this is a good example of the projection a pp mentioned - I'm an only, have close friends from when I was born right up to ones I've made as an adult, and would have been driven mad by having a sibling around all the time as child - I like and need my own space and a lot of it!

The idea of a sibling with whom you have "had fall outs and have little in common and don't see her loads" is more stressful than anything else to me - I'd rather have the friends I've chosen. Your friends maybe come and go because you feel you don't need someone close because you have your sibling?

OP, don't have another child unless you really really want one - people make really stupid comments regardless of whether you have 0 or 6 children 🤷‍♀️ your daughter will be more than fine as an only 💙

Most people I know are not particularly close with their siblings as an adult. Best friends from school etc seem to be the closest and most ensuring relationships. So I don't think that should be a major consideration

Having a child I don’t want to avoid “depriving” my child of the opportunity to be a sibling is pretty ridiculous and unfair on the unwanted child born. And then no guarantee that that unwanted child will fulfill their role of producing offspring to make my DD an aunt and any of her children be cousins. You’re wrong anyway, if she has a partner with siblings and those siblings have children then her children would be cousins. I’m not going to have a second child just to increase the chances her (if she has them) child(ren) might get to be cousins.

I have one DD and am very very happy with one child. We could give her all the opportunities available. We couldn't do that with 2. We shut down any queries about other children very quickly. Also, its no-one else's business of how many children we have.

My daughter is 8 and an only, she is not spoiled or a brat and is certainly not lonely! Has loads of friends and we have regular playdates.
I find having 1 i'm not stressed like my mum was with 2, no sibling bickering to deal with etc. I never got on with my brother and as adults we probably see each other once a year, the odd text, not close and our children have only met 3 times so no cousin relationship there.

We have enough money that she can do after school clubs and activities such as Brownies.
She is happy, doesn't want a sibling, is happy to play with younger cousins but can't be around little children too long as she gets a bit fed up.
She has so many opportunities open to her as an only as we are not stretched in any way.
Thankfully never had any of these comments, please try not to let them get to you. This is your life not theirs, do what is right for your family unit.

"Depriving your children" What?? I have two siblings who don't have children. My best friend has a sibling who doesn't have children, in fact I can count endless people I know who have siblings and aren't an aunties/uncles. It isn't a black and white thing that you'll get nieces and nephews if you have children and these can easily built with family friends. It's certainly not a reason people should have been having more children if they don't want them.

I think it's so sad people are so dismissive of how wonderful and meaningful deep friendships can be to people. Not everyone has this magical relationship with their siblings. Not everyone places their sibling above everyone else. Through all the hard times in my life, it's always my friends that have been there, never my siblings. My childhood was only a small part of my life, I can't think of anything worse than sitting going over the same childhood stories with my siblings when I've had so much other rich experiences in my life.

My friends who are one and done have found it very hard when their children (consistently and over years) wished for siblings, especially as it was an aspect they hadn’t considered at all. So I would think through all stages of your baby’s life while deciding, not just the baby stage.

Well - I can't imagine growing up without siblings, though I realise it's increasingly common. If you're happy with your decision, but don't want to discuss it, you could just stop telling people about it. Just answer, "Maybe, it's early days" or something else noncommital.