Sad about DS's future

[BooseysMom]

I have an only DC and we had him in our early 40s and never could have another. I have had lots of support from people on this thread so thank you. I thought I had come to terms with it but something recently sparked off the sadness again. It was a family scene on Emmerdale when the old man passed away and all the family gathered together. That set me off and I started worrying again about DS and who will be there for him in the future? I can only hope he'll have his own family. It feels that lately everyone can't be bothered if they have larger families, they're sorted. Plus DS had lots of friends when we moved to a new house but they have disappeared since they started at high school. Apparently they're all playing Fortnight and DS is left out 😔
It's a hard world and I can't help worrying about his future.

I feel your worries. We have a 10 year old that I had at 33. I've recently gone through all the same emotions. We lost two surprise pregnancies when I was 41 (surprise because my only other pregnancy was IVF) and Ive had to just focus on recovery since as the last one in particular got quite complicated. I'm now in a blind panic about whether to give it one last shot, but fear I'm entering peri. Can I ask how old you were when you had your DS?

On the flip side, I am an only child. Friends have come and gone over the years, I made more. I try to be as sociable as I can and I'm guilty of being a people pleaser but I do have a nice balance of friends in my personal and work life. I'm certain your DS will be just fine. He has a lot of growing to do and whether his future involves college, uni, work, he will make more friends and have relationships. I think as an only you make the effort more.

I hope I remind myself of this when my DD is in high school and going through all the usual teenage dramas! Even if we have another child now, they are unlikely to have any kind of solid relationship until the 2nd child is a teenager, so I'm effectively going to have 2 only children 🤦🏼‍♀️

Schoolrunmum81 thanks so much for taking the time to post a reply. I'm sorry to hear about your two losses. I was late 30s when I lost two as well, both early on. I completely lost hope and we weren't in a good place financially to have a child then at only 3 months off 41, I had a surprise pregnancy, my rainbow baby, DS!
I'm 52 now. How old are you?
I have an older half brother who I don't really see much. I feel like an only tbf.
We seem very similar, I'm also a people pleaser!
Thank you for saying my DS will be fine. You can't help worrying however many you have!
If you'd like to stay in touch, pm me if you want. It would be nice to catch up from time to time.
Thanks again x

Op please don't worry about this. One of my friends is an only child and she's the most level headed and well rounded and resilient person I know. She says she had all the attention from her parents growing up and as she's got older that never stopped so she's always had 100 percent support. She had lovely gifts and things for birthdays etc as she didn't have to go without. She has lots of friends but says it was lovely sometimes to just go back to her house where she had some damn peace. She is married and has her own children to focus on and a great career. Honestly op she has never missed not having a sibling as is t worried about her future when her parents pass (obviously she will be sad) but I mean she's not worried that she will be 'alone'

All you have to do is love your child and give them the tools they need to make their own way in life

I wish I'd been an only! Me and my sibling have never seen eye to eye. Sorting out funerals and inheritance would be 1000 times easier if I could just sort it out on my own. I have a huge family spread all over the country many of whom I don't even know let along come together with.

DS loves being an only, he got on fine with people at secondary school but didn't find his tribe, now he's working and enjoying life much more. Try not to worry about a future that may never happen! Is there a reason he doesn't play Fortnite with his old friends? Is it just not his thing?

hadthisthrrigjtwayup
Thanks for your lovely post of reassurance. It has really helped me feel more positively about it ☺️

Julie168
Thank you, your post is very helpful. It's funny you should say about your DS loving being an only as mine does too! It's just me fretting about his future that's the issue.
Yes Fortnite is not his thing..in fact, he's just made me play Wobbly Life with him as we're stuck inside cos of the horrendous weather! I have a feeling he'll get into Fortnite when he starts high school next year but for now I'm holding on to him!

I think it is a legitimate concern OP and I am sorry to hear your son has not been made more welcome by other friends and families.

I am an only child with no children of my own (sadly) and I do worry about being alone when I am old / dying alone. But it's the life I have been handed, and there is nothing I can do and I am coming round to some level of acceptance about it. If you son finds himself in the same position, he may be able to do the same.

Also OP many people die alone whether they have families or not. My grandparents both did, as they died suddenly in the night.

I felt like you for ages Op after l was told l couldn't have any more. But siblings don't always get on. Dd's friend are always welcome to our house, we often have a houseful of teenagers so she can build solid friendships. Also if she gets married and haa children of her own, that will be her own family x

Only a real issue if he doesn't have children of his own either.

Little old lady next to me has no one - except for us. No kids. Not siblings. No cousins. Nothing. She's very recently realised this (well, as in, become an issue for her) so I've encouraged her to sort out her famly photos with me and tell me who's who in the pictures. Now that i do think is heartbreaking. No one to talk about her family to who actually knew them. I've reassured her we are totally there for her, but I"m sure to her it's not the same as having a sibling or a child who can help you out.

I'm sure your DS will be fine.

This is sadly my future and I do feel heartbroken about it. I am currently sitting in bed crying.

I just want to say I really understand your concerns as we are in the same boat but I try to stay positive and support our teen as best we can. Certainly our teen has a lovely lifestyle with money for hobbies, trips and treats that I could only have dreamt of. Also very sensible and sociable with lots of friends and interests. I focus on that - life is unpredictable and none of us know what is round the corner.

No-one's life is ever perfect, it's what you make of it. It'll be up to DS to build his life the way he wants to, with the people he wants around - same as everyone else in this life.

Families are not always supportive - in fact the death of a parent can often cause huge rifts between siblings.

I plan to get rid of my family photos after my parents die. I don't want to hold onto them in my old age. Likewise, I plan to start getting rid of things like my jewellery of any value soon (I am in my late 30s) so I can start to accept my line dying out and being alone.

Please don't worry about your DS not having friends at the moment.

One of my DC didn't have friends at all, all the way through elementary, middle and high school (autistic). They started university and within a few months had a large group of friends. Your DS will eventually find his friend group.

I have an only, very shy at school, but now all grown up and very successful. They have a great life and one day will inherit quite a substantial sum which they won't have to share. Don't go overthinking on this, you will make yourself sad for no reason, none of us know what the future holds.

We have a 16yo only.
Thankfully, he has never yearned for a sibling and currently has a great friendship group.

We have very little family, my brother has no children (by choice) DH brother has 2 grown up boys (23 and 21) but they live 5 hours away, so DS will really be alone when we are old and die.

Make it all as simple as possible for him. Get wills and LPA done now so they can be acted on as needed. Help financially if you can, with uni, housing, gifts, etc

Hopefully, as you say, by the time we go, he will have his own family, and he will inherit well as we have our home in trust for him

Why don’t you encourage DS to get in touch with his cousins? I’m 14 and 17 years younger than my cousins and love them like brothers. We obviously didn’t really know each other well until I was older but we’ve built an amazing bond 🥰

We see them regularly, and they were always very good with him, but currently, they have little in common (apart from a football obsession - different teams!) which may change as DS grows up I suppose.
They are at uni and recently graduated, so building their own lives

I work in elderly social care and the one thing I have realised is absolutey nothing is guaranteed. People can have children and still end up facing old age alone. Having siblings and children isn't a guarantee that they won't be "alone". In my wide experience, its those that have little friendships and community that are lonely, having no siblings doesn't make any difference for thus.

I mean this kindly but unless your son is going to through the next 70 years not speaking to anyone then he won't be alone. I think it's quite sad that we seem to place so much emphasis on siblings and the nuclear being the only form of support and meaningful relationships a person can have. Good friendships are an essential part of life and can provide as much meaningful support as family and sometimes even more.

I have two siblings and I'm not in contact with them, I've had a parent diagnosed with a serious illness and there's been radio silence from them. They don't bother with my child, don't offer to see them or buy presents or get in contact with them. Am I alone? Of course I'm not, I have friends a husband, in laws and colleagues who have all offered much support than my colleagues.

We aren't designed to be isolated in nuclear families, we're meant to have support from friends and community. I think life must be more lonely for those than only rely on their immediate family for support and companionship than make an effort to make deep meaningful relationships with friends and community. You can have siblings that move away or don't get on and if you've gone through life to believe or been brought up that family can only provide meaningful support and not invested in friendship, then this is a lonely place to be.

Life will be very different for your son growing up. I'd take comfort that families are getting smaller and there are much more one child families now. I see this is a positive in stopping people from looking inwards towards their families and actually branching out towards others in making meaningful relationships and connections.

I find that single 'children' very often have large families themselves when the time comes. This is probably what will happen and he won't be alone at all. So many things can happen in life.. this is one thing I wouldn't worry about!

Thank you for sharing this. It is quite reassuring for an adult only child who doesn't have any children of her own and is terrified of being all alone in old age. I am doing my very best to work on friendships. I feel maybe that is my 'part' in life - to be a good friend.

You are right about society perhaps changing in the future too as more and more people have one child (or none). My grandparents' days of having 5 siblings each (and all the cousins it generated for their own children) are long gone.

Dh is an only so is my son from a previous relationship. I dont want anymore kids. Dh is best friends with 2 lads he grew up with. He's fine. I'm a nurse so when/if his mum needs care I'll help him. I maybe generalising but i don't think boys/ men have the same yearning for families ties/ siblings and don't romantise it.

I was at a funeral a few years back for a friend's dad. Her dad was an only child and while he went on to have two children and a wife he didn't have any other family relationships on his or his wife's side of the family. Yet his funeral was absolutely packed to the rafters, people were standing as there wasn't enough seats in the church. He'd led an absolutely amazing life and his funeral story demonstrated what a rich and full life he'd led and how many peoples lives he'd made an impact on and the whole funeral while sad was a celebration of his life and the wonderful life he had built.

I'm an only-child, not through choice but due to medical reasons. I didn't miss having siblings, because I have no concept of that feeling. You can't miss, what you've never experienced. My son is also an only-child too, again due to medical reasons. He has me and his Dad, and a happy, stable homelife, where he's loved. Having siblings doesn't automatically equate to not feeling lonely or having a support network. You only have to look at MN and see posts regarding toxic siblings relationships, to know that! You need to stop worrying, your son will be perfectly fine, and will find his own way in life.