long story short..
i got pregnant when I was 18, it was hard with my parents living away at tye time . but we managed, we got married 2 years later, moved to a nice area for the best school.
I asked my husband when my son was due to start school. About having one more, he always had an excuse,
then he agreed, but when I would be ovulating he would say he was tired. a few months later on new year, he told he he didn’t want another one, and stop keeping on,
I mentioned it now and again, but it was always, wait until we get some savings, wait until we get a bigger house, etc etc
we had a night out and I needed the morning after pill, husband said don’t bother,,,as I had to drive ages to get it, I said don’t be daft, I took it , but I didn’t realised that if you already ovulated it won’t work !! I told him and was hoping my math was right that ovulation had passed. He then he said that he thinks it’s the right time to have another, I went out hot all the stuff, weeks later I was late, I told him and he wasn’t too happy and just said , it is what it is. and wasn’t happy. I went for a drive and he didn’t talk to me all night.
i did test and all negative and I always said my cut off would be 35, I been depressed since and told him that it’s too late at 36 he said the only way to fix things it to have a baby!!! But he doesn’t really want one.
so here I am at 38 and husband 40 with a 19 year old and I’m crying all the time Because I feel like I’m missing a child in my life, it’s honestly controlling my life.
I know people have babies well into their 40s but it’s the age gap !!!
I always think I failed as a parent with my son, as my awful mother in law would say things , like, I can’t be trusted with a baby, and say I should be at home with him not going to the gym and putting him in the crèche there, which was only after a knee injury. I would then take him swimming straight after.
i feel I worried to much about what other people thought of me and it stopped me being the mum I should have been,
i always said to myself that next time I will do better, but next time never came and how I have the feeling something is missing from my life and I’m a complete failure
I’ve done all the things I can’t do with a baby , trips to America, cruises, mortgage paid off years ago.
I wake up and instantly have the feeling I’ve lost something, longing. And grieving and disappointment in myself
I think if I was a better mum and wife maybe my husband would have wanted a baby?
move still not had a reason,
he grew up in poverty and I had it a lot different, both my parents worked, but were separated and got on as friends, he lived in a poor area, with alcoholic family members, always facing eviction from their home and the police always involved
maybe I just didn’t deserve a baby,
I been trying to make a gp appointment for the last two months. But donk know if there’s much point