Thoughts on loving your only child, and letting them go when the time comes

[AGreenPlasticWateringCan]

I have a 4yo boy who will be my only child (as I met and married DH "later" in life due to dysfunctional upbringing. (After lots of therapy I sorted myself out and met my husband and had our son aged 42).

Anyway I'm getting to grips with him being an only child- as I had always hoped for two even though it was a long shot. I've read a lot on here about the pros and cons on one-child families in order to try and get my head around it. I can see that there are a lot of positives and that in many ways it can be seen as a positive thing.

One question I have though is about how, as mum to an only, you manage thoughts about them being so precious. It's hard to explain what I mean, and it's definitely not the sort of conversation you can have with anyone in real life in case you upset them. (I don't want to upset anyone here). Please bear with me while I try to explain. I know that parents of 2,3,4 children love their children with all their hearts, and your capacity to love expands with each child you have, I'm certain. Before I had DS I had no idea of how it would feel because you can't visualise or imagine their personality or character, just a generic child. Then they arrive and grow into this amazing individual person.

I just feel like - and trigger warning so I don't mean to upset anyone who's been through grief- if ever something awful happened and we tragically lost him, I don't know how I could go on. I heard a mum of a child who died speaking on the radio recently about her grief, saying literally the only thing that kept her going was her other child. So does it follow that if it's your only child then there is nothing left to hold onto?

And then does it follow that as mum to an only you are that tiny bit more clingy towards them? How do you stop that being unhealthy? I remember dating a man who was an only child and his parents were the classic stereotype of treating him as their precious darling child even as a grown man and the dynamic was really unhealthy and over invested. I remember thinking I'd avoid raising an only child in case I ended up in that dynamic or being a MIL from hell. Very judgemental thoughts I had when I was quite young without appreciation of the many reasons people go on to have one child.

But how do you stop feeling like your one heart is wandering around outside your body in the form of your child? Or if you can't stop that feeling (which I imagine parents of multiples also feel) how do you make sure you don't cling to your only child a little bit too much?

At the moment he's only 4, so cuddles are aplenty, but it won't be long till he's needing independence and I will need to strike a balance. Do you think this transition is different / harder for mums of onlies?

It would absolutely appalling if something 'terrible' happened to him but it's extremely unlikely. Unless he's got a terminal illness.
Something bad happening to your child is obviously very anxiety inducing. But if you had more children then surely you'd have even more anxiety? I try to think of it that way. I'm an only child. Can't have kids. But I say that to my mum sometimes if she worries.

What kind of an heir and a spare type scenario? Nope I think it must be awful to be in a family where your sibling had died and you are left in terms of dealing with your poor parents. I had a friend at school who had that situation.

I have an only and I am an only (dysfunctional childhood) and my husband is an only and I’ve said this on loads of these threads that nowhere apart from on mumsnet do people seem to be so obsessed with only children and how different and special and bad and good and better and worse and selfish and selfless it is to have one.

sorry to answer your question you think about what the impact to your child would be of „clinging too much“ and you just don’t.

I think it can be very difficult. I was the only child of a single mum and she found it nearly impossible to 'let me go', and was quite controlling. When she eventually did let go, she declined mentally. The problem with my mother was she believed her life would be over, so much so that she made that a reality.

I can only suggest that you put in your mind positive things about his future life when he'll be independent. Visualise him going to University, getting a job, finding a place to live, finding a partner, etc. but in a positive way. Encourage his independence, even though it will be hard for you when the time comes, it's one of the greatest gifts you can give. Also picture things you might like to be doing as well!

I honestly don’t know the answer abd the points you have made really resonate with me. I am not saying this to be horribly insensitive but having my second did calm me down, I very much felt all the things you have described before this. I think it is entirely normal when you do just have this one precious thing that you adore, it’s difficult, I’m sorry that’s useless but just wanted to say I understand your feelings and very much felt the same way (we have a big gap)

I think it's tough. Being an only/ having an only can be intense. I am an only and I did not have a dysfunctional childhood. My parents somehow managed to be quite balanced with me and not so intense by been busy with their own lives and interests.

As a parent of 2, in all honesty I feel that siblings are very overrated. Mine hate each other! But I do know parents of onlys, some get that right balance and perspective and others micromanage very intensely their child and tbh they can be very hard work to be around. It's just too much at times! But I think the very fact that you are aware of this all consuming feeling of love threatening to almost jeopardise your relationship in the future means that you will take the right steps to mitigate it. The feelings are real but it may take a lot of effort to not let them seep into your relationship in a detrimental way.

It’s not rocket science. I had a late miscarriage (stillbirth but a bit too early). The only thing that made it bearable was that I already had ds and dsd. If I didn’t have them I would have been broken and this was a child who hadn’t yet lived a life. Like it or not people who have more than one child do have an advantage in situations like that.

OP I’d say you need to go give him more and more independance and start instilling commonsense and the ability to communicate his needs. The more able he is in this context the better. It’s not about making him risk adverse but about making sure to guide how he manages risks and that’s a lifelong process.

I can only give you the perspective of a bereaved mum who did have other DC when my DD died.

The grief you feel is all consuming and debilitating. The love you feel for one child does not mitigate the pain and love you feel for the child that died and you feel sort of torn between two worlds.

It was also a unique kind of hell seeing my children grieve and being so wrung out by my own grief I couldn’t help them in their pain. I blamed myself for their sadness.

I did, however, have a reason to keep on putting one foot in front of the other. There is no doubt in my mind that had DD been an only child I would have chosen to join her, no longer feeling torn between the two worlds.

I have one.
I do not think the angst of anything happening to them has anything to do with having one or more children.

Regarding letting go, that is difficult.
As mine gains more independance, so do I. I have gone back to do what I did before becoming a mum, bit by bit. And that fills my day, so I am not constantly focused on her. I am here for a chat, to help with anything needed, but not on her back all the time. It helps that she really thrives on new responsibilities, she does much better at anything if she is trusted to get on with it.

@RogersOrganismicProcess I'm so sorry for your loss, and thank you for sharing.

I have an adult only child.

I would say make the absolute most of every stage, that makes it easier to move on and enjoy the next stage.

Don't lose yourself. have things you love beyond your child, have plans for when they become an adult.

Realise that even as an adult they often still need you for quite a lot for quite a while! DS is loving the independence he has now, still comes home with his washing though for a home cooked dinner!

If I lost him it would be extremely hard, but that's true of any child no matter how many you have. I guess I would do something in his memory, raise money for charity or something similar to keep me going.

i just wanted to say that I totally get what you’re saying. I have an only and feel the same way.

I am not sure the difference is really about “it would be worse if your only died”. (It’s so fucking awful for anyone, I don’t think it’s worse or better. It’s just horrendous).

I do think though that having more than one (I have three) really brings home to you that you can’t forge them or fully protect them. It emphasises in your mind that they are the way they are, whatever you do (because you see how different they are). It also makes you feel less powerful in a practical sense - you literally can’t look after them in quite the same way!

So I reckon you are right about there being a different intensity to parenting an only - but I am not sure it is because they are more precious (I think they are all precious!). I think it’s more that multiple kids sort of kills off some of our angst and intensity as a parent - maybe just as a survival process!!

I resonate with everything you've said and think about it a lot.
It's hard to comprehend.
I often wonder what I'd do if my DD was no longer alive.

I think I'd leave my relationship, sell the house, and maybe go travelling and find work abroad.
The grief would never leave and although I'd feel I'd never be able to stop crying, I'd be so glad I got to be a mum and cherish those memories (as I'm not a natural mother and have found it very tough at times).

I'd find it harder to keep doing the school run, see people everyday and have to keep talking. To get up every day for another child. To put one foot in front of the other. As I don't think I could for the short term.
On my own I'd be free to wallow in grief for a while and not face anyone.
I'd probably want to join her but instead I could start a new life, and maybe throw myself into fund raising or find a way to work with children without being a parent.
I believe that animals could go some way to fulfil the caring role I wanted if I was no longer mum 'physically'. (I love cats but have never owned one).

Anyways .. lots of detail there but it has been on my mind so I couldn't not post when I saw the thread.

I hope you are ok x

I am you.

But mine is now 23

I completely recognise your thought process
I'm happy to talk to you frankly.
But not on the boards

Fine if you get what you want from this thread, but happy to pm with you

My story is very similar to yours, OP. And I resonate with what you've written, and other posters, too.
One thing I'll add is that some of the intensity, for me, comes from my own wounded child-self, and I need to keep being kind to that part of me. Just being aware that some of my emotions relate to my own story, and to not confuse my son with my child-self. That part of me will never leave, whereas my son (god willing) will grow and leave to live his own wild and precious life.