Finding it hard with only child -any advice

[lilweep]

We are the only couple we know with one. For medical reasons, not by choice.
We try and encourage play dates but inevitably other people are so flaky & cancel or we end up having their kids while it's not reciprocated, which is ok for DS sake.
Mainly because everyone else has extended families to spend time with, we have none, or their kids have siblings so they aren't really fussed as they already have a play mate (sibling arguments asides I appreciate). We are constantly told how lucky we are to have one, it doesn't feel like it when we are his constant play mates.
I've just taken myself out of a group chat with a few other mums after three cancelled an event I'd arranged months ago as they forgot or made other plans, I feel like I've cut my nose off to spite my face a bit but also feel sad for DS who is often just with me and DH. I get that kids love spending time with their parents but we are both teacher so get all the holidays, weekend and I work PT. So basically whenever we aren't working. DS loves having a play mate but it feels like fucking hard work.
He does football but that's only an hour a week and we can't afford anything else really. Does anyone else find this with one?

I think you've just been unlucky!

We've got a only DC, like you, not really planned that way and she has quite a few friends who are really irritated by their sibling(s) and find hanging out with her preferable. Or there's a big age gap, or they're onlies too.

I've only once ever been pushed on why we just have the one, by a colleague in the staffroom. So I told her. In detail. Hopefully she will think again before being so nosy....

DC has developed excellent social skills from years of "picking up" friends in parks, playgrounds, soft plays, pools, clubs etc etc.

She does like being part of a "pack" and did music theatre for several years and now plays in a football team.

Is there any mileage for you in hanging out with colleagues and their kids? I've got a few teacher friends from previous jobs whose kids DC gets on with. At least you have similar holidays and probably, budgets.

He's very sociable and popular at school.

So, you are doing a great job OP.

Everyone is living life to the max. Work, family, trying to keep a social life together, life challenges, money stuff.

Take a step back. I have a now adult only child. Solo mum. It all works out.

I'm not much help to you OP but it's not just you! Our only is a teen now and is still very sociable so it will get easier. I generally find people incredibly flaky at the minute and it's really tiresome. I started a thread a couple of days ago because I was feeling a bit sad and resentful that people are so poor at maintaining friendships now. It really is hurtful- and when it involves our children the pain is amplified hugely!

Don't give up. I understand why you took yourself out of the group I was tempted to leave one myself recently. You can still contact someone from the group individually.

We are in the same situation. Only child, not near family. She is now 9. We did lots and lots of play dates in y1/2 (when covid wasn’t stopping us), they don’t always get reciprocated but it has eventually paid off and now it’s fairly even. She is very sociable (I am not) so I am desperately waiting for when she’s old enough to arrange her own social life. Our biggest problem now is that she will only go to holiday clubs if there is going to be someone there she knows so I have to spend ages liaising with other parents. At 6 she’d happily go to any club and make friends there so we did a lot of that in school holidays. Find a football club that’s on and send him to that to get a break.

Forgot to respond to the actual issue. Who needs flakes?!

I've got a sibling, and a dear friend of about 30 years' standing, who are hard to make firm arrangements with and tbh it has affected how much I see them - and if I can avoid a timed or ticketed situation with them I absolutely do!

Just a shoulder squeeze. Yes it's not always easy for sure.

The hard truth is that you and your son need other people more than they need you. I remember a lot of gritting my teeth and biting my tongue in order to stay light and breezy about playdates. It's a marathon not a sprint.

At this distance it's not always easy to remember what worked. Ds went into Woodcraft Folk at 6 and was in it for 7 years, that was a good one but it only really exists in some areas. Cricket was good at this age (went sharply downhill when he was 13 or so but never mind).

It sounds drastic but is it worth considering cutting your hours a bit? Nothing is going to work as well as just having more time to hang out at the school gate and the park.

He's probably getting a bit old for the parents & kids play date set up. Try saying you"ll take a few kids with you home after school or football ect..

Also going to the pool at the same time, the park at the same time is all a good suggestion.

Is there anyone who lives nearby? This is the easiest thing to arrange. Be the house everyone wants to be in.

And try get back into that what's app group. It's odd to flounce like that and it wlll impact your DS . Just say you left by accident.

It's not a lack of siblings. My 3 just argue together. We always have other kids in and out of the house.

We have an only child too - sadly my second pregnancy ended in a miscarriage and I never conceived again. Anyhow - we've never, not once, felt sorry for our DD. We live in different country from her cousins and she has no cousins where we live - so a very small family. She's always been very apt arranging play dates, has done sports (doesn't like team sports) - and has a nice circle of friends. She's always been pretty independent. We're lucky I guess - and now she's a teenager it's lovely to be able to spent all our energy on her.

Hang on in there. One child here though older (teens) also an older Mum. Used to wear myself out when he was younger, trying to arrange playdates, ensuring he was surrounded by other kids. But it just happened organically, we went to a local playground, another kid came over to play and they are still friends now! Same happened at school. I was so worried he wouldn't make friends. He didn't straight away, if I'm honest. Then, one day out of the blue he came home with a little gang, had never mentioned them, and he's so happy. I know it's hard, it much harder I think,for us Mums of one child, and it's hard on the days when no one is available , people let you down and you worry about them, but I realised sometimes things happen naturally and not because we are engineering them out of love. Sending you hugs.