Finding it hard with only child -any advice

[lilweep]

We are the only couple we know with one. For medical reasons, not by choice.
We try and encourage play dates but inevitably other people are so flaky & cancel or we end up having their kids while it's not reciprocated, which is ok for DS sake.
Mainly because everyone else has extended families to spend time with, we have none, or their kids have siblings so they aren't really fussed as they already have a play mate (sibling arguments asides I appreciate). We are constantly told how lucky we are to have one, it doesn't feel like it when we are his constant play mates.
I've just taken myself out of a group chat with a few other mums after three cancelled an event I'd arranged months ago as they forgot or made other plans, I feel like I've cut my nose off to spite my face a bit but also feel sad for DS who is often just with me and DH. I get that kids love spending time with their parents but we are both teacher so get all the holidays, weekend and I work PT. So basically whenever we aren't working. DS loves having a play mate but it feels like fucking hard work.
He does football but that's only an hour a week and we can't afford anything else really. Does anyone else find this with one?

LOL!

Thanks, same to you.
We are often told how lucky we are having the one, but then in the same breath we get hold how lovely the sibling bond is/the morning the siblings spent playing together.
And we weren't one by choice.

OP I agree having one is tough during this age. DDs cousins live thousands of miles away so she's got only adults as family where we live. I'm somewhat saved by the fact that we have a lot of children living immediately around us (within one or two blocks so we don't have to go far for a play date and they often organically happen through running into someone, etc. so if you do have families live really nearby that's probably where I'd put the effort in.

Our local library often has free activities that draws a crowd if that's something available to you?

At that age I found holidays the worst. DD used to get so depressed trying to make a friend with anyone and everyone when all my husband and I wanted was to relax and switch off. But DD is now approaching 9 and it's much better now so hang in there.

We went to the park every day after school, was right next to it so made it easier. Once or twice a week we had someone back for tea. Usually arranged the week before ( so not long enough to forget) but quite often spur of the moment and I'd just end up with an extra kid after school . Ds didn't go to any organised activities until he was 8.5 and then only once a week. During school holidays he went to sports clubs.

Yes thank you, luckily he loves football.
I wouldn't mind if they said no initially but the latest thing I'd arranged, I asked everyone, got their tickets, we chatted about it again which everyone seemed happy with and then 5 days before one pulls out then another follows suit.
I even saw them Friday on the school run where everyone said looking forward to it.

All of my DCs have made friends mainly through School. It takes a few years for them to find their group but everything has blossomed since then. Has he had Birthday Parties? I find that's a great way to get to know other parents and start the ball rolling with meet ups etc. Is there a Class WhatsApp? My 3x DCs do all kinds of clubs but we've never had any play dates out of them, solely through their friendship groups at School.

Thank you. His two cousins similar age are 8 hours drive away.
Library has a Lego club he enjoyed so we shall book again.

Could you maybe just do things where he could play with/chat with other children, maybe make some friends that way, rather than structured clubs? We take my nephew swimming with us when we go with our baby every other week and he always seems to have at least to find a few friends to play with within minutes of arrival😂 and a couple of them the parents have then said like “ah do you come same time every week” so although they probably aren’t going to be lifelong friendships they are friends.

Park is also a good one for making friends even if just for that one trip, look at local church halls/sports halls for activities, we have local CA’s which have activities for kids for next to no cost really, I know our local one does loads of different sports for a few £, it’s only 90 mins ish on a Saturday or Sunday but would be an opportunity for playing with others.

It's understandable you're upset about the group repeatedly letting you down but leaving it without talking to them wouldn't solve anything. I think that's what some of the previous posters were trying to say.
If there was one member of the WhatsApp group who you got on well with, I would suggest opening up about your concerns that your son is frequently cancelled on and it got too much for you but that you regret leaving the group and you'd like to re-enter into it.
But once you're in, don't bother organising anything else with these people, let them make the first move.
At the age of 6 I don't think that everything needs to be an organised activity with a playmate. Just go to public places, like parks and soft plays for some respite. Your son can make friends there!

I would focus on casual playdates at short notice rather than events organised far in advance (with the best will in the world, things happen and plans change). Just send a message on a Friday "Hi, would Timmy like to come over to play tomorrow afternoon?". If Timmy is not available, some other child will be.

It gets easier as they get older too, because children start making their own plans and pushing to see their friends in their free time, rather than just hanging out with their siblings, which might be easier for their parents. My son is 9 now and he has friends from school, after school club (this has been the BEST source of friends actually), football, cubs, and athletics. The only thing that gets more difficult as they get older is that they will no longer necessarily hang out with your friends' same age children, which is a pain.

I wouldn't like something planned months in advance tbh I would forget.

Have you tried peanut app?

So he’s nearly 9, year 5? I would say you just have to accept hosting and not reciprocated. I have two DDs and they loved to spend time together when they were younger. I had people over but I never expect an invite back. I think it’s good enough if not DC enjoyed the friend’s company. Not everyone can host. If you are teachers, you should be able to have DC friends over for a full day which makes it easy for working parents. I would expect most wouldn’t mind at all. Weekends are always busy with multiple kids. I have orchestra, swimming and ice skating between two DC and it’s just not possible to plan anything. Now mine are much older I can have their friends over when I WFH and I often do.

She says in the thread he's six years old

He didn't do scouts but some similar junior thing

How strange, in our area about half are only children and I think the stats now are 40%?

We have playdates or social events a couple of times a month on average and the rest of the time DD plays with the neighbours. So she’s rarely without someone for long. She does after school clubs until 5.30 4 days a week and swimming on the other weeknight so it’s only weekends- we find one day with people and one home is the best balance.

You probably just need more parent friends? We are older parents too but there’s plenty of them here. I’ve got a core of about 8 families we see regularly (mix of school and nursery) and 2 are Only’s and 2 technically have siblings but with huge age gaps of 12 years+ so in all practical sense they are Only’s as the siblings are young adults.
But we see the ones with siblings just as often. I’m a natural introvert so making friends took a bit of effort but has paid off.

It sounds like there are a few things going on for you OP.
I am often surprised by how flaky and rubbish people can be. I don't think it's you but it's really hard not to take it personally.
I'm curious how come there are no other families with onlies. From my experience it's increasingly common. Are there any local Facebook groups where you could ask around for any other families with similar age onlies to hang out with? Ideally very local as a PP said.
Alternatively as you have alluded to parents will happily let you take one of their kids for playdates, maybe suck it up for the sake of your ds?
I'm also surprised people say how lucky you are... that's quite an insensitive comment to make so am surprised lots of people say it. Do you maybe imagine it's more people saying it than it really is? It sounds like you are sad about your situation..and maybe feeling lonely or left out yourself.

You can do scouts from 4 now. DS does it too.

Do you have a day each week that could be a friend over after school day? Even if invites aren’t reciprocated at least your son would have a friend over every week. My son gets a friend over every Wednesday provided he’s kept his room tidy and done his maths and piano!

Same situation here, 6 year old DS, only child at home - 2 more who are adults and don't live at home so DS is basically an only.

No children in extended family and at a small school. I don't even know most the parents as I don't do pick up and drop off. Fortunately DS is very sociable and will make friends with just about anyone in the park etc. but doesn't help at home when me and DH are his only playmates!

I think part of the trick to the playdates is finding parents that you are actually friends with, whilst the kids were the draw in our group we also have a few drinks out and actually like each other which helps the plans to stick. So we tend to do days out rather than home playdates (not drop offs) so we are as keen to see each other IYSWIM

It sounds like he's very well socialised with loads of opportunities for play! Try not to worry so much OP. He'll be fine 💜

If you have a class WhatsApp group make a post along the lines of ‘going to the soft play today if anyone fancies joining us’. I always find my DC makes friends at the soft play anyway.

See if you can find more activities to try, cheap ones. My DC does a sport which is only £3 each week.

Does he go to many birthday parties/ have you hosted a birthday party for him? If you can afford to host a party he’s likely to get invites back.

Also see if there’s any free groups ran by your council on weekends/ in the school holidays. There’s quite a few in my area but possibly depends where you live.

I don’t blame you for leaving the WhatsApp group, people can be so rude.

I have one and honestly try not to worry. I used to think like you but she is now 16 and very, very sociable. In fact she’s out more than she’s in so make the most of having him around!

I have the same issue with my 5 year old. A very small school group with a class of 18 so not a massive pool to choose from anyway. Most have siblings and the families here seem to be very in to after school activities so even finding a suitable time for a play date is a struggle and then it is usually cancelled lat minute leaving my son disappointed.
I really don't know what to do. I have tried to put an effort in to getting to know the parents but we are in a small town where a lot of them know each other from school and aren't bothered about getting to know new people.

I do try to take him to activities where he can Interact with other children but he is really shy and won't speak to a child he doesn't know so tryin to get him to play with random kids at events never works.

I have an only (though she is 20 now). I don't remember ever stressing so much about it. She did Rainbows / Brownies one evening and then a variety of Sat am activities - gym, dancing, guitar lessons, swimming - over the years (not all at the same time). There would be the odd birthday party and occasional play date on a weekend, but I hardly ever saw the school mums, and we never did after school playdates. Sundays we would always try to go out somewhere for a few hours, and then watch a film, she would help with cooking and stuff. She used to play out with neighbours kids when she was a bit older. We're abroad so not geographically close at all to family. It did used to make me feel a bit sad when she spoke about her friends spending time with their GPs and cousins though. She's perfectly well adjusted and at uni now. She has lots of friends and organises plenty of activities for herself.

I think you are over-thinking it all OP. He will be fine! I would try to de-flounce though - did the tickets cost you money? Have you been reimbursed? That is probably the biggest part of the problem.