I hope this isn't too upsetting to post and please move it to the mental health board if more appropriate.
I have a 2 year old boy. For the first year of his life, I found it very hard. I had severe PND that I wad hospitalised for and it was a very dark time. We've made the decision to stick at one and while I have some sadness over this, I remind myself I'm not close to my siblings at all and also as our parents are getting older, finances are tight, I would really struggle with 2. I still would like extend my mothering role in different ways and we have thought about fostering when our son is older. This is obviously not to provide him with surrogate siblings before anyone thinks so. I work in social work but it's something we've always wanted to do once the time is right.
However that aside, I am at the moment having very intrusive thoughts about my son dying. I really suffer with the anxiety if he did die, how would I survive not having any other children and no longer being a mother. How would I feel I have anything to live for? It almost makes me want to have a 2nd child though the rational part tells me it's a terrible idea to have a 2nd child as a back up or spare. I still don't know how to reconcile these feelings.