Will I regret not having another child?

[Onelittlequackquack]

I currently have a 4 month old baby. She is fantastic, but I struggle. In my heart, I want to give her a sibling. I think I'd regret it if I didn't. But, logistically... I don't know if I can- took us nearly 3 years for her and because of my age, I'd like to try for another around Christmas.

I find being a mum challenging. I often feel over stimulated. Pregnancy and birth was hard and fairly traumatic. I know what to expect now, so would it be better.

Will I regret not having another child?

I only have 1. He is 7 and I absolutely adore him. I wish I could have had more but it just never happened for us. We reached the decision recently to stop trying which was very hard, but it felt right.

We make a huge effort to ensure he doesn't miss out on things due to being an only child. We both play with him, kick a ball around with him, play video games with him etc. We also make sure he invites friends round often, he sees his cousins at least once a week, we visit others with kids his age etc.

I do worry that he is an only child, but then neither DH or I are close with our siblings so it's not a guarantee that a sibling = friend for life.

Nobody else can answer that question for you.

I only had one due to secondary infertility. No regrets here at all. But it's very personal.

Your dc will be fine either way.

@CatamaranViper thanks so much for replying. It seems as though you have a very loving family!

I think if the choice was taken away from me, it would be easier to finally accept. Maybe not. I am obviously over the moon with our girl and I know how lucky I am.

I agree with the family part!

@Shortfatsuit

I definitely agree with that!

Found pregnancy and birth hard but have 2 children, just over 2 years apart. Never wanted an only child, but would have accepted if that's how things played out.
I'm also not super close to my sibling but wouldn't be without him - adore my nieces too!
It is hard to make a decision now when in the thick of it with a little one. I definitely wasn't ready to think about another one until eldest was about a year.
Whilst you have to make the right decision for you, it might be worth seeing a counsellor to maybe help clarify things for you.

No one can tell you that, just as no one could have told you whether you'd regret having a child, or, alternatively, not having a child.

We have one, but never considered another at all.

We only have one due to secondary infertility and we are happy now. He's 11 and the light of our lives.

You're in the thick of it right now with a 4 month old and may find things feel a lot easier in a couple of months.

But to answer your question, I only have one child out of choice, who is now 8, and I absolutely love our lifestyle. There's lots of time to have chilled out chats, cuddles, games and Creative activities with an only. Plus more down time too.

My son is only 2.5 so I can't speak for long term regret, of course. But my mindset is that it's better to regret not having a child, than having one.

When I weigh up the negative possibilities of having a second (disability, risks to my own mental and physical health, resources being cut in half for DS now and in future etc), I feel that my regret would be greater if I had a second and they came true than if I just had my only.

But at 4 months, you have no need to make any decision now. I was one and done until DS was one. Then I liked the idea of a second until recently. Now I’m back to one and done. I know you mention age being a factor, but you didn’t specify so it’s possible the door isn’t closed for a long time if you change your mind, even if it’s not the “ideal” age you’d want to have a second.

Having 2 is harder than one.
When I have 1:1 time with mine now they are a bit older, it’s like a world away from parenting them together.
We had the second for my first DCs sake, wanting to give them a sibling (although obviously neither of them know that), and often the eldest tells me she wishes she was an only child! Whether she means it though, I don’t know. I hope not!

@SomewhereOverTheHill may I ask what their age gap is? Ah, I think she will grow out of that. I felt that way with my sisterr when I was younger.

My 1 is nearly 8 and she's awesome, we have a great time together and she gets our full attention. It's gotten so much easier as she's gotten older, more disposable income, more opportunity for her. She has never wanted a sibling and still doesn't when we ask her about it.

2.5 years between them.

I think you need to give yourself more time to work out how you feel.

I always assumed I would want/have more than one, 'saving' names that could have been my DC's middle name for a future child etc.

But like you I found the first 6-7 months very challenging and at some point in that first year became quietly and very confidently of the knowledge that I could not have another one.

My DC has continued to need a lot from both of us in terms of attention and help and I have sometimes reflected that I would not have been able to do right by both them and a second child.

But, this is reflective of me as much as my DC. Another set of parents may find they can handle more than we could.

So my advice is don't give yourself a deadline and just take the time and space you need to reflect.

There's a book called Parenting your only child which is really helpful in exploring reasons for having and not having a second child. It dispels some of the myths around having a single child, identifying some of the upsides and giving you strategies to compensate for the downsides.