Second child or not?

[Clipclop88]

My first time posting on here.
I am a mum of 6 year old boy, I had severe PND and still suffer from depression now. I have been in two minds about having a second child for the last few years. Seeing others having children/second child has made me broody and also the thought of my child growing up without a sibling. He often asks for a sibling.

my main concerns are depression, I slip in and out all the time and really won’t want that again after a second child. Also finances will be a struggle, working full time, nursery/school pick ups especially with the age gap. I’m on antidepressants and there is a risk of deformities in baby.

husband is happy with one child. Says we have the perfect healthy child, we don’t need another. He doesn’t want to risk my health for another child.

any advice please, if you’re in or have been in similar situation. Anyone who has one child and does not regret not having another.

the thought of this recently has made my mental health worse. I can’t get out of bed I cry randomly I can’t eat and have horrible feeling in my stomach all the time. All signs of when I was depressed last time. I feel like I’m losing my mind. And if I’m like this now how will I cope with two? Others have said wait til I get better then think about pregnancy but I feel like I will always have this cycle of mental health gets better then worse then better.
it’s unfair of me to do this to my child and my poor husband, who I feel like such a burden on.

I wanted to add I come from a big family of 7 siblings, all who have at least 2 kids. They live far away so my son doesn’t see them much. My husbands side have extended family who have kids same as age as my son, and he has friends from school etc. he gets attached and emotional when playing and doesn’t want friends or cousins to leave. I worry how this will affect him growing up as an only child. I feel so sorry for him but this shouldn’t be the only reason to have a child. The age gap alone means they probably won’t even play together.

sorry for the rant and thank you for reading

If the sole reason to have another child is for your son to have a sibling then I (personally) think that is the wrong reason. There should never be a shred of doubt when making this decision. If you are happy with your one healthy child, then there is no need to burden yourself with the worry and uncertainty of another, especially as it will impact your son negatively if it does not go well etc. Only you can make this decision, but once you have made it, back yourself and move on. Invest in that decision and give your son your time, give him playdates, experiences with the money that wont be stretched, etc etc. Read up on emotional impact/effects on "only children" and you will soon see that a lot of the myths are quickly debunked.

I honestly think people that go on to have more children than they know they can cope with well are selfish.

You should concentrate on improving your mental health for the sake of your existing child, not put it at further risk by having another baby.

At the age your son is, I wouldn't count giving him a skiving a huge factor in deciding this, as he's at the age, they aren't going to ever have much in common during their childhood. Little siblings are quite annoying when they aren't so close in age. When your boy is coming to the end of primary school, he's not going to want to be entertaining a toddler/preschooler. Then when he's a teen, a 6 year old is probably going to be highly irritating. Obviously as adults yes, it can be nice to have a sibling and age doesn't factor into it then, but no guarantee they'll even get on. I have two brothers who I don't speak to from one year to the next, no bad feelings just nothing in common, and completely parallel lifestyles at opposite ends of the country. If you want another baby and have the resources and finances to do so, then do it, for you but not for your existing child as it may not work out the way you think it will in your head.

Only have another if YOU want another. But with your depression as it is, personally i wouldn't risk it and would embrace and enjoy the life i had as it is.

I have posted a similar question on this forum under a different name. We did go on to have a second, the age gap between them is 6.5 years. I had crippling PND after my son, and remained on citalopram for years afterwards. This is obviously my personal experience so I can't say it would be the same for you, but we went back and forth on it but the moment my second was here, my depression hasn't been back since (youngest now 15 months old). I did not get pnd despite a hard pregnancy and a lot of anxiety. My PND was call the Samaritans level of severity with my first.

Eldest loves his baby sibling, maternity leave was actually easier having my eldest to ferry around as unlike the first time when I hid indoors I was out and about because I had to be, I just got on with it. speaking to school mums and friends and acquaintances, going on day trips in the summer holiday etc. nursery fees have shot up since our eldest needed childcare but it's not for ever. Midwives were great in putting plans in place to protect my mental health, I even got onto a referral only baby group for mums who either have PND or have suffered badly before. It was great, made some mum friends, we did activities with the babies and were encouraged to look after ourselves, all very kind and supportive.

I really sympathise as I know how all consuming this dilemma is.

I agree with prior posters. Personally I don’t think having a second child would be a good idea in these circumstances.

I would try therapy if possible to try come to terms with having an only child versus the 2 you want.

I would try and focus your mindset on the benefits that having an only child can bring (which there are many) and focus on mitigating any downsides by ensuring plenty socialising opportunities etc.

Even if you were to have a second, there would be a 7+ age gap - something else to think about.

I would be worried about an additional child putting your mental health, your relationship with your partner and child at risk. There’s no shame in prioritising your mental health for your existing family unit over providing a sibling which is not a guaranteed perfect relationship anyway.

Thank you for your comments.
@Stickthatupyourdojo when I hear stories like yours I think it’s so possible and I feel like my family isn’t complete.

but at the same time, in the last 6 years I’ve had 3 really bad episodes of depression, as in bad thoughts in my head and not wanting to look after my first. It’s times like those that make so scared to have another as it would be so unfair on them both. And my husband would be under so much stress looking after two kids on top of me.

Has anyone had one child and come to terms with it? How do I accept this is the right decision for me

in on sertraline and I don’t see myself coming off them at all now.

I think you need to focus on your recovery from depression first.

I have a mental health history myself and I got PND after having DC1 but I was recovered from depression before the pregnancy. I was unwell with PND for about her first 9 months or so and gradually recovered by the time she was 1. I got PND again after my second but only for a few months and not as severely. I'm pregnant with my third now. I wouldn't personally plan a pregnancy if I had depression. I've been depressed, it was awful, it's not a situation I would choose to have a baby in. I understand other people may feel differently though and that's fair enough too.

Your post really sounded familiar to me OP as I have a very similar situation.
Whilst I can't offer much advice as such I can relate and share my story too.
I also have a 6 year old and had severe PND plus a traumatic birth and had moments in the first year after the birth where I just wanted to end it all.
I was on fluoxetine and have had numerous bouts of counselling over the last few years.

I also thought I'd have 2 kids but after having one I just couldn't face it again.
I've had plenty of moments where I think I would like another one. But I feel so much time has passed now that the age gap would be huge, it would means going back to all the baby stuff again and potentially upsetting what is now a nice family dynamic with the 3 of us.

I feel guilty my son doesn't have a sibling, especially being a small family so he has no cousins etc either. But I feel too much time has passed now.

I couldn't say I have made peace with the fact I will only have one child.
But I also have to try and accept that it's how it is and only I can make peace with it eventually in my head.