One and done with limited family and friends

[MJBmummy]

My partner and I have reluctantly come to the decision to remain one and done, with a 4 year old DD. I have read a lot of the mumsnet threads about ‘one and done’ parenting to help me focus on the positives but it seems that people always talk about an only child not being lonely because of cousins and friends, extended family. Me and my partner both have siblings but between 5 couples across both sides there are only 4 children including my DD. My 2 nephews live 7 hours away and have a big age gap with my DD so I can’t see them having a relationship in future and my partners niece has significant physical and learning disabilities so my DD won’t have a close relationship there either.
I have been with my partner a long time and we are very happy together but are not very sociable people - friendly and have work ‘mates’ but no proper friends, so our DD won’t have the ‘chosen family’ that people praise when talking about their friends and all being like one big extended family. I’m wondering if you’re an only who comes from a very small family and no ‘family friend’ network - are you unhappy about it? How big of an impact has this had on your life? The reason we have decided on not TTC again is because of medical issues and associated risk which, when weighing everything up, Is not worth the possible consequences. Any thoughts? Thank you

Hi OP, I’m an only from a very small family with no cousins growing up. I had a wonderful, happy childhood and certainly didn’t feel as if I was missing out by not having siblings, close cousins, etc. As I went through school I made some lovely life long friends and a really close relationship with my parents. Your DD will be absolutely fine and I’m sure will build up her own network of friends as she grows. 😊

DD probably won’t have any cousins. We’re not hugely sociable but do have a few friends and we do try to meet up with friends with kids, my cousins who have kids etc where possible, but that’s probably roughly once a month. Her main time playing with other children is at nursery and later it will be at school, activities, parties etc. I think as long as you’re open to encouraging your child’s friendships, offering and accepting playdates etc then you’ll give your DD the opportunity to forge her own chosen group of people she is close to.

I'm an only child from a small family. My parents don't have many friends, and their closest friends don't have children. I have three cousins, one lives abroad and barely spoke English as a child. The other two we saw maybe two or three times a year - not enough to be close to them, though we do get on.

I had a lovely childhood. I'm a very independent person, I like my own company and being on my own. But I do have plenty of friends - I think I'm quite good at getting on with people and building friendships, because I kind of had to be. I've been with my partner 20 years and we have one child who likely won't have any cousins. He'll be absolutely fine. (We do have lots of friends with kids who we see regularly so a different upbringing to my childhood, but no guarantee they'll be interested in being friends as they grow up.)

So long as you give your child opportunities to socialise, do clubs and playdates as they get older, they'll be fine. My son is sociable and loves seeing his friends, but he loves coming home to a quiet house too.

I have an only. For the first 7 years we lived in another country to our family. Because we had one I made a huge effort to create relationships with others. You have to be willing to put yourself out there- play dates, coffee mornings, birthday parties etc.

I have an only aged 10. Several of my closest relatives are no longer with us and those that remain live far away. Few connections to cousins, no real relationships there. We made effort over the years but found that they weren’t as bothered as all had siblings, grandparents, aunts of their own etc. It used to get me down but honestly DD is much more interested in her friends and a lot of our friends are through school/child activities so the limited family connections doesn’t matter so much. It hurts when I see others with big families and all the cousins etc nearby but this is mainly due to our bereavements. We have tried to create something similar through friends and organising people at our house etc which is something we couldn’t do if we had more children than we could actually handle. Lack of family support is another factor for why we didn’t have another child soon after DD.

I'm an only child from a small family and my mum has no friends. I wouldn't recommend it to be honest. I feel very alone in the world and like I've missed out on a lot

I should add I'm 30 now with a family of my own and still being an only affects me in many ways x

What do you feel you've missed out on? I'm 42, only child, family of my own, mum has very few friends, sand I don't feel like I've missed out at all. I'm not alone in the world. My parents are still around thank goodness, though of course they won't be forever. I've been with my partner since my mid-20s. I have a child. I have lots of friends, some I've known since my teens. I've lived in three different cities and have a network in each.

What have I missed out on? Having a sibling - well yes, but that wouldn't necessarily be a positive relationship. Many aren't.

That's nice you feel like you haven't missed out on having a sibling. I do feel like I've missed out though. I've wanted a sibling my whole life. So that's what I feel I've missed out on.

if you’re an only who comes from a very small family and no ‘family friend’ network - are you unhappy about it? How big of an impact has this had on your life?

I’ll be honest. Yes, only child and unhappy about it. I didn’t mind so much as a child, but the older I’ve got, the harder I’ve found it. I suppose I’ve realised what I’ve missed and that I don’t have the support others have when it comes to kids, family, dealing with elderly parents.

But - there is no such thing as the perfect family and if you have medical issues, it’s out of your hands. So don’t beat yourself up. Focus on the positives (and there clearly are those: more time, more money, fewer distractions) and seek to mitigate the negatives. That’s all any of us can do, really.

I am an only child and it is now starting to have a big impact on my life.

I am in my late 30s and don't have any children of my own. I would like them, but only met my partner about a year ago and he is also an only child. Because of this, I feel unable to have them because we cannot provide them with any extended family (no cousins, aunties or uncles). I would feel selfish and like I was transferring my own loneliness down a generation.

The thought of anything happening to my partner terrifies me. I would be completely alone. The thought of my parents dying also terrifies me. The thought of my own old age on my own terrifies me. I have had to start medication for anxiety and depression to help me get through the day, as the feeling of loneliness dominates my thoughts. I currently find it very hard to enjoy my life.

This will of course not be the experience of every only child, but it is my reality.

Everyone I know with siblings is miserable with their sibling. So many fall outs and drame - we're one and done too. I have made peace with it.

My DD14 is an only, not by choice, and all my family live overseas (only cousins on her Dad's side, she doesn't see them regularly). She used to really want a sibling, which was difficult, but around 7 had a visit from a younger cousin and decided she was very happy it was the two of us! I have always been happy to host playdates and sleepovers, which gives her someone to play with, then we both enjoy the peace and quiet when they leave. She has a great group of friends, and has even holidayed with some of them.

Who knows what the future will hold, but I don't think growing up an only has been detrimental to her. I grew up as part of a big extended family and lead a very solitary life in a different country, so don't assume that siblings ensure adult family.

Just wanted to add to this that I have a sibling and have all the same concerns about my partner or parent’s dying. I think this is normal for anyone regardless of if they have siblings or not. Ultimately, my sibling and I are not close at all and if my parents died I would be equally alone with my feelings. If my husband died I’d be devastated regardless, having a sibling would not change that. I see some siblings who are close but these tend to be sisters and it’s very hit and miss- it seems more common than not that siblings do not get on or have much of a relationship.

late to the thread, but I think you are saying that the risks associated with TTC number 2 are not worth the possible consequences, given your limited friend networks. I am someone in a similar position who has decided to stop TTC a second child after miscarriages and with advancing age. I have an older only child who is coming up to 11. We worried about limited family networks, especially because we moved to a cheaper area and are between 2-20 hours away from nearest family. It bothered me at times but truthfully once my daughter started school we made a lot of parent friends that way. I picked up some along the way through study and hobbies. Your child will be absolutely fine. I wouldn’t gamble with your health to TTC a child that may or may not have a positive sibling relationship in future. Many sibling relationships don’t work out in adulthood or become just people you see occasionally, nothing is guaranteed.