Does anyone else find it harder to make mum friends as their ‘only’ gets older?

[Yellowbrixlane]

My son is 7 with a small friendship group. He does enjoy swimming but he’s not really into team sports (despite trying a few). I have started to notice how hard it is to make ‘mum friends’ on the playground, especially as he gets older. Groups have formed and although parents will always pass the time of day with me or make polite conversation, I just feel very much on the ‘outside.’ I sometimes feel like I am back at school myself. Yes, he has play dates but only because I arrange them. Just feeling a bit sad for both my boy and myself at the moment.

I never had school mum friends. I did make friends through extra curricular activities though, and now DS is 16 we have a new group of friends with the parents of his mates because they are in a band together and we are the roadies 😁.
I really wouldn't worry about yourself making friends in the playground. I found it to be cliquey and bitchy at ours. You could try other stuff for him outside of school though, it doesn't have to be a team sport. DS didn't enjoy team sports either, but he did swimming, taekwondo, singing in a choir, and stage school.

I agree that extra-curricular is a good place to meet mum friends. My DS sails and there is a 'circuit'. You end up being with the same parents for whole weekends at a time on a regular basis, and there is a lot of interaction needed as families help each other with the boats etc. so it is necessarily social.

I'm sure you could find an extra-curricular that would work for your DS. Some swimming clubs take dc as early as 7, and they are also social for the parents who want it to be (LOTS of sitting around together- and volunteering required). Maybe take your DS for a trial at your local one.

Aw I love this! Roadies! Can I ask what age your child was when he started playing an instrument?
I saw a big parent get together on Facebook last night which hasn’t helped. I am finding it hard to find beginners clubs for 7 year olds too in my area.

Sailing sounds amazing! I am certainly looking for clubs that will take on beginners at 7. He does after school clubs too but again, same groups at collection.

I think that most people don’t want to be friends with someone purely because they have a child the same age or who goes to the same club. Sure, I can pass the time with people from school but I have an active social life and don’t want more from them.

The thing I have noticed at my school is that the groups of parents who have become friends, arrange big play dates with all their children. I’m sure it’s not the same everywhere but if you are not part of the group, your child doesn’t get included.

When I have posted things on class WhatsApp groups, asking who fancies going to the park for example, I get hardly any response.

I’ve never had mum friends. Bluntly, the only thing you have in common is that you got knocked up in the same 12 month window. That’s not a basis for a friendship. The most you can expect is to be polite acquaintances.

I know some mums have friend groups, but they were probably friends before they had kids. Or they have other things in common.

I’ve given up trying to make mum friends now. I do my thing and DS does his. I’m polite acquaintances with his friends’ parents, when DS is old enough to manage his own friendships I’ll probably never speak to their parents again.

I have an only, now 12, and despite an international move when he was 7, he’s always had plenty of friends, from school and football. I am actually friends with the parents of several of his current friendship group, but we don’t do much with the children collectively. I go out for drinks with them, or there’s one I go climbing with.

When I do chat to others and they are arranging dates with others, it is hard. I don’t feel I can just invite my son along so I try to arrange other things at later dates. I think it’s tricky to explain unless you’ve been in that situation.

I do kind of understand where you're coming from. My kids are older now but I was never at the school gate because I worked full time. I had to somehow make contact with the mums of children they played with - and this was in pre texting days so it usually meant somehow getting hold of numbers and phoning to arrange specific play dates. I imagine it's a little easier now with mobiles, WhatsApp etc. Rather than try to arrange things at the school gate, could you message a parent individually and suggest a specific date? When it's a general 'anyone free to meet at the park?' people won't feel the same responsibility to respond.

I don't think having an only child should make a difference; I have 3 children but they rarely did play dates together; in fact I don't think any of them had school friends with matching sibling friendships.

Really good point about the general messaging. I never thought of it like that.

Yes, I understand where you're coming from. I had become good friends with two other mums with kids the same age (one in my son's class, the other from a toddler group) and both moved away recently.

I'm now having to start from scratch and it feels impossible, like everyone else already has their little friendship groups sorted. There isn't even much chat on the year group WhatsApp anymore, as I get the feeling they're all talking to eachother privately.

My son is in a few clubs but none of them involve parents hanging around, so I don't get to know anyone. The one exception is Cubs/Scouts, where they hold occasional events/volunteering sessions where parents help out, but it's so infrequent it doesn't really make a dent. And on occasion, we've been the only parents to volunteer so no other parents to chat to!

The school he goes to is also quite large, with parallel classes, so there are lots of other parents and no real sense of cohesion as a larger group.

It's really, really frustrating.

I can't say I was ever bothered about making 'mum' friends, though most of my friends are parents. I went to work and made friends there and our conversations did not revolve around our children. I don't think having an only child (which I had), has much to do with it. In any case, there are a lot of 'only' children around, it's not unusual. I made sure I kept open house for all my child's friends and everyone had fun.

Don't be sad about this, things will change, they always do. You have your own life to lead which could be quite interesting if you want it to be. Good luck.

I don’t think this has anything to do with your child being an only - my eldest was an only until aged 7, and he has always been invited on play dates with kids with siblings. A lot of his class (about a third) are only children too so it’s not seen as any kind of big deal really. I think it helps that all his close friends have parents who we would have become friends with if we’d met under other non-child related circumstances so there is an element of the parents wanting to spend time with each other too which makes mass play dates more appealing for everyone concerned.

I often think on threads where the OP has an only child that any issues encountered are always blamed on the fact that the child doesn’t have a sibling - almost pathologising not having a sibling - when most kids are friends because they like each other not based on who does or doesn’t have a sibling.

In terms of making other parent friends though, is your child involved in any team sports that involve lots of hanging around on a field with other parents on a regular basis? I’ve made a couple of good friends through shared mornings on a cold rainy rugby field!

Edited to say I just realised do you said he doesn’t do any team sports - my son wasn’t keen on rugby to start with either but we kind of bribed him to keep going as I think team sports are quite important for development and no he loves it - so sometimes it’s worth almost ‘forcing’ a child to stick to something as we as adults know what is better for the child in these types of circumstances!

@Yellowbrixlane the group WhatsApp thing didn't exist when my kids were school age but tbh if it had, one of my children would never have wanted me to respond to a general 'meet at the park' message. She was quiet and shy and the thought of a possibly large group with some children she didn't know well would have been off putting for her. However she loved 1:1 play dates with close friends. So you could be really helping out other mums by taking an individual approach too. There are no doubt other kids at your son's school who'd very happily come to play; I think just bite the bullet and send a message rather than doing it all at the school gate

I have not ‘blamed anything on the fact that my child does not have a sibling’ however, I have posted on here because he is an only.

Love the idea of the individual approach. Yes, will certainly go down that route too.

You would probably get some good advice on the general parenting board or even in chat, as I see lots of threads on those boards about people struggling to make mum friends. All I meant was this doesn’t seem to be an issue related to your child being an only - as I said my eldest was an only up until 7 and he didn’t suddenly become a different child or change his friendship group when he got a sibling.

I put it in here so people wouldn’t say ‘what about siblings or friendships with parents of siblings.’
Without going into details, such questions on general chat is still quite painful for me.

Be led by your son. What would he like to do? You can suggest things but they may not be to his taste.

My son liked music from a very early age but he did his own thing, mainly taught himself. At school he used to frustrate music teachers for not following some of the 'rules', being quirky and preferring his own techniques. He is a very successful musician, has been so for many years.

Clubs and groups are not everyone's scene.

I am finding it hard to make friends with school mums, partly because some had their own groups from NCT, nursery etc already and partly because my DC is the only only child in the class. The mums I want to get to know better have toddlers and they meet up in the week with each other. There was a general mums drinks thing but that's fizzled out. I'm always hearing about stuff people have done together on weekends. I live in a densely populated very tight knit community so I can't leave it all behind out of school. Feels quite lonely!