Hoped for 2 babies, accepting it will be 1

[A7522]

Firstly, I am fully aware there are so many women and families that can't have children. I can't even begin to imagine what that pain must feel like.

I am truly blessed to have a perfectly healthy and great little boy who will turn 2 tomorrow.

All my life however, I have hoped and dreamed of having 2 children. When my first came along I always wanted him to have a sibling, selfishly I wanted another shot at pregnancy, childbirth and the new born phase too. I wanted my boy to have a best friend for life, a little sidekick!

We have now had 3 miscarriages. First, we were 12wks pregnant and it all happened in A&E and I ended up holding the 12wk fetus in my hand. It was traumatic and awful. D&C op with a slow recovery due to crazy blood loss and very low iron levels. Next was a 5wk miscarriage, happens all the time to women, more than we'll probably ever know. Third was just this week. Sent for a reassurance scan at 8wks pregnant and sadly no heartbeat. Planned D&C to remove everything.

At 37yrs old (partner 38) we feel like we just can't keep doing this. Mentally and physically it is taking a huge toll and impacting our health so much. We'd agreed at the 3rd pregnancy that it would be our last attempt. We are sticking to that. But after the first 2 miscarriages there was still hope, we knew we'd try again and we might have a healthy pregnancy! But this time it's the finality of knowing we won't try again. Accepting that the dream of having a family of 4 and a sibling for our little boy is over! Accepting, as a woman, that I won't birth another baby, won't feel the flutters and kicks. It's difficult.

I'll say it again, I am fully aware of how lucky I am to have 1 baby. And I am so so grateful to have him. But should that mean I can't be sad at not having another, or be a bit down and feeling a little bit lost?

Hs anyone had any similar situations? How did you cope? Any advice? Not looking for sympathy, just some advice to navigate this little stage of adjustment!

Yes. Two miscarriages before my daughter was born and one after that.
She is 22 now and for the first 10 years I felt sad that couldn’t have a sibling.
As time went on that feeling diminished and now a part of me wishes that I hadn’t ‘wasted’ those years feeling guilty and sad. She is a happy, sociable and independent young woman and we have been able to support her comfortably with her choices.
Love your little one, make opportunities for him to be with other children, family and friends as much as you can, and be gentle on yourself. You’ve done an amazing thing in delivering your DS safely!

I can honestly 100% say I feel and understand your pain and that of your partner. It fucking sucks big hairy balls.

I have had several mc and a couple of ectopics over the course of 8 years. Finally decided that enough was enough and pregnancy was too risky for me. We had loads of investigations and told we had secondary infertility. I wanted at least 4 children. Both of us are from from very big families. But due to our age we would have been happy with 2.

It was both heartbreaking and a huge relief to draw a line under it. We both started being able to be more independent as our eldest got older and social lives returned. Sex was off the charts and phenomenal again. There's nothing sexy about temping, mucus monitoring, lh strips or ttc.

And, suddenly out of the blue. I felt off. Took a test and there it was positive. I never did relax during the pregnancy. I had scans from 6 wks on wards. Bleeds, cramping and had tondeliver early. But, I have an almost 1 year old and my eldest. Huge age not without it challenges but perfectly happy.

Statistically speaking it was a near miracle. With each loss plus age your chances of a healthy decline.

It may happen for you as well. But, don't hold out hope just incase. I say that with real compassion. I know how uncomfortable it is when others announce pregnancies or in my circle have terminations.

I didn't have counselling but I should have. I would highly recommend it and try to enjoy what you have and your partner. They often get forgotten about in what is usually just seen as something for women to deal with. I can guarantee he's hurting too. Especially, when he can't do anything to help and he sees your pain, knowing he obviously has a part in it. It wasn't until recently my H opened up about it. I had been all consumed in my world and neglected him.

Sorry this is so long. Just wanted to share and to wish you both all the happiness in the world.

Thank you both for messaging and sharing your stories, thoughts and advice! I think I will ask for some counselling. It was offered but I said no thinking I'd be ok but I think down the line it might be needed and wise to do.

I am trying to really focus on the positives of having 1 child. Silly things like being able to live much more comfortably. Nicer holidays, he gets a significantly bigger bedroom now, lots of experiences like days out etc and all our time to support with clubs, school work, homework! He's a very sociable little boy already and also plays very well himself.

I just feel sad that he will possibly in the future have to cope with grief etc alone and not have siblings to lean on, morbid I know! He won't have siblings to share amazing news with like new jobs, partners, babies of his own etc! All the things that I was buzzing to share with my sibling!

But, there is never a guarantee that siblings will be friends! My partner and his brother weren't the closest growing up and they were both boys only 18m apart in age!

I believe someone somewhere is guiding us, and a family of 4 isn't right for whatever reason! We'll adapt in time I'm sure.

The advice of not wasting years being sad and wondering 'what if' is great advice. I'm going to try really hard to not do this. That's why I'd like to almost deal with the sadness now so that we can all move on as a happy and grounded family of 3!

Thank you... and yes, it does suck big hairy balls!!

I’m sorry to hear your experiences OP. Those sound like very traumatic experiences. I’ve come to a similar decision about stopping TTC after 2 MMC in a row (babies stopped growing at 6ish weeks and 8ish weeks). A year of TTC and all the supplements, temping, blah blah. On these forums endlessly. Just recovering from the second surgical management and both me and DH are totally done.
I was perusing old threads and saw a recommendation for the book ‘the next happy’ by Tracey cleantis. She experienced infertility over many years and the book is basically about reframing the idea of ‘giving up’ towards ‘moving on’ towards new possibilities. It isn’t specifically about TTC or babies but certainly struck a chord with me.
What I don’t find helpful at the moment is well-meaning friends asking why the MMCs happened or why not try again, my neighbour/ sister / friend had X number of MCs then had X more healthy children. Honestly I just want someone to tell it to me straight. I’m nearly 38 and DH is 46. I’ve looked at the stats and our ages make us high risk of chromosomal
abnormalities. One kind sister at the hospital said the MMCs were ‘natures way’. We were one and done for years (DD is 10) but hormones/ impending peri lured me back to TTC. Like you I’m looking forward to the advantages of having one child rather than stretching myself to have another. I have become a bit of a shell of myself through all this and need to build up again.
I wish you the very best 💐

I had 8 years if fertility treatment, 9 IVFs, 2 FETs, 2 clinic IUIs, many home IUIs, 3 miscarriages (1 d&c). Our son was born from an embryo collected when I was 42 and he was born a couple of months before I turned 44. It was the only embryo we had from a 3 cycle package. Overjoyed to have him as started to doubt we wouldn't have any. I did have an idea of 2 when we started out but we didn't know that it would take so long. My pregnancy was horrendous with severe hyperemesis, gestational diabetes, lost alot of weight etc. The whole thing was a worry and I had a 15% chance of live birth. We did say whatever happened with that embryo it was the end of us trying as it had been a lot in many ways for both of us and we had a cut off in our heads. I know it isn't the same but he has lots of cousins including one a month younger.

I absolutely feel your pain. We haven’t been able to have a second and my heart absolutely breaks for my little boy. I’d dearly love for him to have a sibling and he’d love it too. We’ve tried for 3 years and after giving up all hope finally managed to conceive unexpectedly. We lost the pregnancy 2 weeks ago at 8 weeks. Very much feels like our last shot as I’m now 41. We’re devastated. Every emotion you are feeling is completely understandable and natural. I just have to believe that the universe has a plan for us. There is no guarantee that siblings will get on. As a single, they will get so much more of our time, energy, attention and money. I guess we just have to focus on the pros while still grieving the family that we saw for ourselves. I’m so sorry you’re in the same boat. It is just utterly crap!

I had my 1st born at 38......had miscarriages at 40, 40 & 41.....they then did tests and found I had a blood clotting disorder called Antiphospholipid syndrome, I then started TTC again, I was taking aspirin, got pregnant at 42 started injections and progesterone.....then found I'd had a 4th miscarriage which was a partial molar pregnancy (1 in 1000 chance) we decided because it was that and meds wouldnt work wed try 1 more time....I then got pregnant again at 42 and gave birth at 43......my daughter was 2 2 weeks ago

I so desperately wanted a second. My first born got to 12 and it still hadn’t happened. Not because of fertility issues but life hadn’t gone down the path you’d think and I was a single parent. I decided I would adopt and I have had my second child 3 years now and he is the most amazing little boy and I love him equally as much as my birth child. Don’t give up hope. There are other options out there ♥️

Have you tried progesterone? I had 3 miscarriages before my rainbow baby, 4th pregnancy I started taking progesterone suppositories the day I got the positive test. I truly believe thats what held the pregnancy for me. I then went on to have my twins also taking progesterone. Some people just have low levels of it, and in the early days its one of the most important things to make the pregnancy stick!
When I had my miscarriages I couldn't bare the thought of giving up and never getting what I wanted. I was willing to try anything. I think you have to weigh up the pros and cons of keeping going, knowing the risks of more miscarriages but also potentially getting what you want.
Speak to your gp to see if they'll let you try progesterone, or get a referral to see a gyno as thats what theyll try, maybe try one more time with some help. Then youll know. Good luck!

Sorry for your losses.
have you considered if you have developed anti bodies to a pregnancy? Apparently it can happen if your partners genes are similar that after a first pregnancy your body then sees any future developing embryos as something to trigger an immune response. They have treatment for it. I used to have a book called is your body baby friendly that explains thus but it’s so old there would be new info around now - there are Harley st drs who specialise in it

My cousin had a child, then three miscarriages. They were devastated but then a miracle happened she went to term and all was well.

As an only child I just wanted to say your fears about the future, of your son being alone, in dealing with grief, sharing exciting news etc will likely be unfounded. I have lots of fantastic friends, a wonderful husband and 2 children of my own to share all these things with. While I did wonder what it would be like to have a sibling when I was younger, I certainly do not feel any less for not having one. Also, the average number of births is falling. It is likely your son will make some friends who are also only children. Please try not to worry about the future, enjoy you lovely little family.

Hi I was on crinone gel for all of my IVF rounds. The clinic I used for the first 6 IVFs abroad just sent you home with gels but no other checks were done. When I did the 3 cycle UK package my IVF nurse was amazing. She checked my levels before transfer and after first positive test. Interestingly my levels dropped despite being on crinone gel. I needed extra progesterone ontop of the gel and some other tablets (I forget). It all took a toll on my body and I got very sick in my first trimester and once out of it I could stop all of them. I honestly do think that being on all of those is what helped my pregnancy. All of my miscarriages were different- one fetal pole never developed and never became anything, body thought it was pregnant but there was no hope and needed a d and c. Second I got a heartbeat but was told 50/50 chance it would stay as implanted too low but it didn't. Third was an early miscarriage in first few weeks. We used 3 clinics in total and they all said my body was textbook but just had alot of bad luck. Incredibly grateful to have our little boy, our miracle.

I know someone who kept miscarrying and then had specific acupuncture and then went on to have a successful pregnancy....might be worth looking in to.