Coming to terms with having an only not by choice

[Eggling]

I hope it's ok to post here. I'm a regular on the infertility boards but looking for some specific advice on this point so thought it was better here.

We have one DD who is nearly 3. I always wanted three kids. Started trying in my twenties, knew it might be hard because of my PCOS. DD was born when I was 30 via IVF.

We have been trying for a second since she turned one, so almost two years. In that time I have had three more rounds of ivf, 2 failed embryo transfers and 3 miscarriages, the third of which I found out about yesterday. We have had so many tests and the drs can't find a reason for our losses and say our prognosis is still good.

We have 4 embryos left to try so we are not at the end of the road. However I am thinking I need to start considering how I will cope if this doesn't work out for us.

We are considering other option such as adoption but my main concern there is the impact it may have on DD if we had a child who needed a lot of additional support because of past trauma. DD is the most caring, social little girl imaginable. She lives babies and is so wonderful with all her friends baby siblings. I'm heartbroken not to be able to give her one. I always imagined a house full of kids and a full dining table. I dont know how to move forwards without at least one more child.

I do have a counsellor and am going to discuss this with her next week. I'm just wondering for anyone that was in a similar situation, how did you come to terms with it and build a great life for your child even though it wasn't what you had imagined and wanted?

I have one, no fertility issues so I don't have that pain to deal with, but I split from his dad at 30 then went to university and started a new career and at some point accepted that I wasn't going to be meeting anyone else to have kids with. I had to go through the process of letting go of the family I expected to have. It wasn't that easy but I did it, and I have no regrets. My life is good now - one 15 year old who is a really nice kid (as well as a typical teenager!), a good career, my own house and now a new husband and step kids. I do sometimes wish he had siblings but he knows no different and he's a sociable and outgoing kid by personality so he's not lonely. Sometimes we have to adjust in life - if I'd had more kids I wouldn't have the life I have now and I have a very good life. You can never predict the future.

Thanks for replying @PineappleTime. Can I ask what that process of letting go was like for you? Did you do anything in particular or was it just time?

I can’t lie it is very difficult, we also have our daughter via ivf and did try a couple of more rounds. Everyone is on their own journey and life is often not what you imagine. DD (13) ironically has lots of friends who are also only children they are all wonderful well balanced children. She spends a lot of time with her friends and is very social. Trust me peace can be made with it all, I did . I’m so grateful we have her and know friends who have not been as lucky as we have.she is perfect to me and in many ways we couldn’t replicate her. IVF is much harder than conceiving naturally because you’re making a very deliberate decision and we all know children are all very different, you might also feel a sense of upsetting what you already have. Just remember you will be alright what ever the outcome and there are 4 ice babies too, sending hugs.

I have one DD, no fertility issues and if wasn't the loss yours was but a few things I did to process the decision... One of the best and most simple things was to make a pros list of why having an only is a positive thing, I started with practical stuff but as I started investing in it, I realised I am a better parent because I have an only, my patience and resilience is better, as she got a little older it created more space to allow me to have some me time and to invest in my career as well as her. I joined a one child group on FB for a while which helped at the time. I focused on her having meaningful friendships - one of her best friends she's known since a baby and he is more like family to her now. In.essence I really invested my energies into what I do have not what I didn't. I am now in a place where I am absolutely happy and content about only having one.

I think being wary of adoption is very sensible (and I say that as a social worker) as you are right parenting a child through adoption is a hugely different experience and one you should be doing because you want to adopt not because you are feeling and experiencing loss. Your counsellor will be a great space to work through your feelings too.

We thought we’d have 3 children but now have an only as I got cancer when she was a newborn and had to have a hysterectomy as part of my treatment. It was hard, and I think my DH suffered more initially with the loss of my fertility than I did as he was on the outside watching me go through 2 years of brutal treatment whereas I had no choice but face the harsh reality of what was happening to me. He couldn’t be near a new baby for about 3 years as our friends went on to have more children (not overtly, just was quietly uncomfortable) whereas it’s in recent years I have felt the loss of a bigger family.

However, I have also come round to the wonderful benefits of just having 1 - she is sociable but she and we choose when to have other kids and noise around. We have flexibility in choices for schools, holidays, activities - economically we have more choices. We have a lovely quiet household and each have wonderful relationships with each other, spending quality time with her and individually. And we have that time to give her our undivided attention. My career has progressed well and I’m senior enough now to completely flex my time to fit her needs whilst still progressing (as does my DH). There are benefits and you can make it work well without grieving the loss of a bigger family.

No wisdom but I am in a similar position and working through this myself. I have one child via IVF who is approaching 3, I wanted 2 but can't have any more, even via IVF. It is a very complex set of emotions. I am so thankful to have one child as at one point I thought I wouldn't have any, yet I can't stop the longing for another and I feel very guilty about that, after all many people don't have success with IVF at all. But it doesn't feel rational, it is almost a primal urge and I can't switch it off no matter how hard I try. I think it helps to acknowledge that whilst I am very lucky, infertility is still a crappy hand to be dealt. I hope to be able to work through it and be at peace with it all one day.

We’re OAD for similar reasons - I was diagnosed after my DS was born with a very rare and agressive tumour and my option was try for a second child and risk losing my kidneys, bladder, and use of my legs or be OAD. We came to the conclusion that a kid needs a healthy mom more than a sibling. Not gonna lie, it’s been a tough few years - seeing other people pregnant / with babies hurt so much. I vented to my therapist a lot though, and that did help, but ultimately I’ve found it’s just time.

i was diagnosed, god, 4 years ago now, and even though I still get a pang when I see someone pregnant I honestly couldn’t be happier as a mum of 1. I’m not the most chilled person so I’ve realised I’m a WAY better and nicer mum to one than I probably would be to 2. Plus I’ve found lots of things I love about being OAD - I get to focus just on my boy, we can play together after school, I can read to him at breakfast, at bedtime we can read and snuggle and play imaginary games because I’m not having to split my time with another child. We have a gorgeous time together, and I also love that because we don’t have the expenses of two, I can say yes to doing lots of fun things with him.

when he was younger he did ask for a sibling but we just explained that mummy’s body can’t do that, and he seems totally fine with it. He’s only 6 so who knows if it’ll last but right now he loves the mix of hanging out with his friends and home being a quiet place he can reset.

There are lots of awesome things about being OAD and whenever I feel sad about it I let myself have a little wallow, but then remind myself that it cuts both ways. We watch tons of friends / family endlessly refereeing fights between siblings and all 3 of us agree it doesn’t look fun!

good luck with whatever your fertility journey brings - and do just know that whatever happens it won’t always hurt as much as it does now.

I'm almost a decade on from you OP, and the pain of not being able to have another has faded to an occasional wistful pang that I can live with. I made some friends online during my infertility issues and while none of us had an easy time of it, I feel incredibly lucky I managed one perfect child. Not all of us did. So I count my blessings.

DS knows that we wanted more kids and that it didn't happen. He would have liked a brother but then he sees his cousins flaking each other over a game and also sees the rough side of sibling relationships!

Life is good. DS has loads of friends and I was a social butterfly when he started school so that he (and I ) would make loads of friends - and we've had some solid mates for the last 7 years respectively. He's got bunk beds so I offer loads of sleepovers and play dates. We live in a safe neighbourhood so he's out playing with the neighbour kids a lot. He's got cousins his age that he hangs out with a few times a year and online games with, so he's not lonely. But while he's social, he's also content on his own and sometimes happy to wave his friends off and retreat to a bit of peace.

We are close, and we've taken care not to raise a spoiled brat. He's hitting the tweens now so I'm expecting the usual teen drama for the next few years but I don't think he'll be too bad. He's not perfect, but I am proud that he's a great friend, he's kind, funny, loyal, quiet and thoughtful. He's popular and I'm glad of that.

The flexibility of having one is good too. DS's friends sometimes have to miss things due to their siblings music lesson/ birthday/ occasion. Financially, we have been obviously far better off than we would have been with more kids.
We are actually pretty skint at the moment as DH is on long term illness but I'm getting by. If we had had more kids, I'd be needing food banks and we would be in serious poverty. I had that as a kid myself and wouldn't wish it on any kid, it's very destabilising. But I can meet all of his needs and most of his (few) wants so it's all going to be ok until DH gets better.

He'll inherit this house - another important bonus given the cost of housing for future generations so he can either live here or sell up and move - but it gives him an entry onto the property ladder that many kids these days won't have with property prices. I don't worry about him being lonely when we die. Where we live, there's people who've lived here for generations. All the kids in his class, DH went to school with one of their parents, and he's got extended family nearby, if he settles here.

Thank you everyone for all your advice here. We have had another failed transfer and I've taken it really hard. I'm seeking out counselling and GP has prescribed me some anti depressants. I am trying to focus on the positives but surrounded by muti child families so don't really have a frame of reference.

@Eggling I'm so sorry to hear about your failed transfer, I know how devastating it is. Big hugs xx

So sorry @Eggling - it’s so hard going through this while everyone around you seems to be finding it so easy. If you’re on FB there are some good “one and done” groups. I found them a really useful support because I also didn’t have any one and done friends. Wishing you all the best.