The second baby decision

[Justonebaby]

DP adamant that he doesn't want anymore. Our 3 y/o is a handful but I can't help but feel the pull of wanting a second child. Maybe it's for all the wrong reasons...

DS doesn't engage with other children outside of pre school and others have commented that this might explain some of his behaviours.

I think I'd be so much better this time round, I know what I'm doing! I want to do a better job.

My last experience was in the depths of COVID. DP didn't come to appointments, scans and had limited access during the birth and aftercare. I'd love to have the opportunity to go to baby classes.

We're moving to a bigger house - it's perfect for a bigger family.

What do you think? Has anyone gone for a second not being 100% sure and then regretted it?

I can’t comment on having a second OP as we are one & done but my DP was also adamant that he didn’t want a 2nd. Then health issues on my side took the decision away. As it happens DD had an autism diagnosis at 5 yo so for many reasons it’s fortuitous that we didn’t. Do you think your DP could be persuaded? I personally think you really need to both be on board. Finally it’s possible that you might get more perspectives on having a second if you post this in another section as I suppose most people on here have one.

We have one child so I can’t advise on the having 2 side of it, but the idea that your 3 year old’s behaviours are the result of not having a sibling is the usual stereotypical bollocks about only children. 3 years + is an incredibly common age gap, most 3 year olds won’t have a younger sibling and even if they do they will probably be a baby and not a child they can “play with”.

My only child DD is a infinitely more sociable and friendly with other children her age than I ever was as one of 4 kids - she learned at an early age to make friends where I didn’t because I was forced to go around with my siblings all the time.

Can’t really help I’m afraid. Second one was planned and easy. I told DS that his second one would be easier because they have to fit into the routine of the older one but I was SO wrong and the second one has been the hardest of them all. I would advising thinking of all the advantages of not having a second one and then weighing up your options. But is it worth damaging your relationship?

Thank you! I think DP could be swayed but I don't want to sway him, I want him to want to. I guess so I wondered if my reasons seemed too superficial (though perhaps all reasons for having children are superficial - making these little clones of ourselves 😄) I worry that in 10 years from now I'll regret my decision as circumstances are ok at the moment. And yeah, I think my DS just is how he is. I worry a bit that he seems to freaked out by other kids.

I’ve been like this since Dd was 2 - she’s now 7 and I’m no closer to making a decision, although I’m 35 now so I do need to just make a bloody decision.

You absolutely shouldn’t rose-tint a second though, baby classes is all fine, but you do actually have to have 2 children at the end of it all, and your next one might be a horror and never sleep/tantrum all the time as much as they might be easy peasy.

I do get the regret is a very real fear, I feel it every day. But I do have to look at my life now Dd is 7 and it’s so so easy. So once you’re out the fog of small children it does become harder to go back again I’ve found.

None of that is probably helpful in the slightest, sorry 😂

Same here, mine is also 7, i loved the baby and toddler stage but i got lucky and she was easy, honestly doubt i'd get that again hence my indecision around a second, and as the above poster said, it gets easier and easier.
Plus she loves being an only, loves having her own space, own toys, availability to go to clubs/activities etc without planning around a siblings needs.

I have a friend who regrets having a second child. Of course she loves him now he's here, but he's a very different personality to his older sibling who has always been a calm, easygoing child in comparison. The younger one is a ball of energy and more fiery personality which she just wasn't expecting after her first being quite 'easy'.

I have heard her say that if she could go back she'd have stayed at one. She really struggles with the two of them. She's also a single mum now though which adds another dimension to it.

(Also worth adding, she wasn't keen on a second but was persuaded by her partner, and feels resentful about it... it may have contributed to the reasons they ultimately separated... and of course she's now doing 80% of the childcare).

@Justonebaby
I went right through my 20's with zero interest in having children. I was an Important. Career. Woman.
Not dissing "career women" by the way. But in my 20's I was a bit precious and "superior" about my career and I'm ashamed that I looked down on women who were SAHMs. This was in the 80's.
That all changed when I hit 30 and had this longing for a baby. It wasn't a logical response to the biological clock ticking away, just an overwhelming physical maternal urge. I had my 1st at 34, and my 2nd at 37, (yes, I know I was lucky).
In fact I enjoyed them so much I tried to have more, but miscarried at 40 and 41, and accepted Nature was telling me it wasn't to be.
I was determined that my 1st was not going to be an only child. I was an only child and hated it - I was so incredibly lonely.
But I realise now that I was unhappy not solely because I was an only child, but because my childhood as a whole was unhappy because of my family circumstances. There is no guarantee a sibling would have made any difference.
And this is the point I'm trying to make in a probably convoluted way.
I knew and know many only children who had happy childhoods and are living a good life.
My DH was with me on having more children, so I can see how hard it is for you.
This is going to sound cliched, sorry, but there's no perfect family/amount of children/age gap between children and so on. And they're hard work!
You don't say how old you are?
This is important, because if time is on your side fertility-wise, maybe it's not as crucial to feel you have to make a decision now, but have some breathing space to think and talk?
Good luck whatever you decide x

Thanks everyone. Your input is so helpful. Only my partner and I can make our decision I understand but your experiences all add something. My DS hasn't been easy except for sleep. Sleep has been a breeze. I am lucky however to have lots of help nearby so I know I would be well supported. That's another thing though, my parents and DPs parents have made a few comments which suggest they think any more would be a bad idea. It doesn't help my confidence at all. It makes me wonder if they think I'm doing a terrible job or something. I'm nearly 32.

Thanks for saying that @Cesarina, that’s very insightful. I’ve read a lot of threads on here about only children & you sometimes get posters that are really angry & bitter about being only children but on reflection you realise it is more about their childhood as a whole than being an only child per se. Like you say there’s no perfect family set up. Some people would have loved siblings, some people hate theirs!
As an aside my DD talks the whole time about having a baby brother or sister however she obviously doesn’t understand the reality of it & how it would impact on her. She’s very sensory sensitive & would hate the noise! My sister has two & it’s just so relentless in terms of dealing with double the illness, sleep issues etc. Even with my DD being autistic our lives are much easier now just having her.

@Justonebaby, my parents were very similar about my sister having a second. They definitely didn’t think she was a bad mum it was more they knew what it would entail & how full on it is! My nephew also had terrible reflux & sleep problems. I suppose if your son is a handful your family may just be thinking it will be a lot to deal with (for them too 😂).
Also just to say my DD was very similar to your DS with other children & people also attributed it to being an only child when in fact my daughter is autistic (not saying your DS is). We also know some other only children that are hugely sociable so don’t listen to other people as like a previous poster said they often talk a lot of rubbish 😂.

cant say whether to have or not to have a 2nd child- however the point that jumps out as me is the comment your child doesn’t socialise much outside of nursery. Having an only child I think parents have to put a lot more effort in to building friendships, play dates, meet ups etc.a just forewarning.
Also don’t underestimate how shit having a covid baby is- my second was, I don’t think it’s awful to want to have a different experience.

Have a big gap. It makes it much easier

I quite like the idea of a big gap! What do you think a big gap is? If I wanted a 5 year gap, I'd be waiting until the start of next year when I'd be 32/33.

6 years is fine. Most people don't do this, but it's worked well for me.

I'm 17 weeks with my second now and my eldest is nearly 8. We were unsure for many years (evidently!). Didn't start trying again til he was 6 and I had 4 miscarriages back to back.

We were one then done but gradually became more on the fence. I was slightly more in favour and DH slightly more against. The biggest drivers for us were the positive relationships we have with our own siblings. And also FIL has died and MIL is unwell, and we do feel the burden of responsibility is shared with siblings.

Anyway we decided to “not try not to” for 6 months and if nothing happened then that would be it as we didn’t want a big gap (although I do think it’s probably easier). No tracking, no regular sex. We now have a second. The gap is only 2 years, it’s hard, really hard. But we’re happy with the way our family has turned out. ETA I think it’ll get easier, our youngest is only 8mo and DC1 isn’t 3 yet.