When should a kid be in their own bed?

[CynicalRomantic]

BF has a 7 year old DS, who primarily lives with his mother and BF has him every other weekend and for a night on the other week. We have a rule that I don't sleep over when DS is there, and basically DS thinks I'm just one of daddy's friends and I'm totally cool with this.

BF has a lovely, very close, affectionate relationship with his DS and when the DS stays over, it's in BF's bed w him. This doesn't really bother me, however I have now heard BF explaining to DS that he's now getting older and has to sleep in his own bed, to which DS refuses and BF relents. Yesterday when BF made mention of his own room, DS suddenly desperately wanted to call his mummy... so there's a bit of manipulation there.

BF is basically trying to lay the land of DS being in his own room because I think the time is coming when we explain to him that I'm not just a friend (for context, DS's mum has a live in boyfriend of 2 years) and wants to tread carefully, so wants this own bedroom thing to be completely separate to the poor kid waking up one morning and seeing me in his dad's bed.

All this being said... actually he's 7, and I don't think he's stupid? I've got stuff all over that house and I obviously know where everything is: I think DS knows what's going on? So then I think this refusing to sleep in his own room business is a littttle bit manipulative, or am I being unfair?

I make a point of not interfering with BF's parenting, but where BF has traditional nuclear family, my parents divorced when I was little and so I was the kid in DS's position and I was a manipulative little shrew but also very conscious of my parents' 'friends' and the impact on me... anything I can do to encourage BF getting DS in his own bed, because regardless of anything else I think 7 is the age at which he should be?

Any advice gratefully received!

[menopausalmare]

My children only slept in their own basket/cot/bed so we didn't have this issue. I don't think you can move in and make the relationship official until your BF has cracked this issue. I would use this as leverage to encourage him to settle his son in his own room.

[Sonora25]

A 7 year old is not manipulative. He is insecure because his parents split up and he wants to be close to daddy when staying with him. He doesn’t understand that you want sleepovers and therefore he needs to leave. Your bf should give him the security he needs you can sleep there on the other days. Child’s needs trump new partner’s wants!
You don’t need to encourage your BF at all, you are not the parent or even step parent. Does the child even have a nice cozy bedroom that is child appropriate at BF’s
house?

[Terfosaurus]

I'm a single mum. DS2 slept in my bed until he was 9 because that's what he wanted/ needed.

He had his own bed. He just preferred mine.

[GreenTurtle75]

There’s nothing wrong with a 7-year-old sleeping in their parent’s bed. It’s actually the norm in many cultures; generational room sharing in particular is also very common. Even in Western cultures it’s probably not as uncommon as you might think. As DS doesn’t see your BF very often, sleeping in his bed has probably been an important bonding aspect of their relationship.

If your BF really feels he needs his own bed back and DS just really doesn’t want to sleep in his own room, could he perhaps try a floor bed/mattress as a transition between sleeping with dad and a room on his own – so that DS has his own bed but still gets the security of sleeping in dad’s room?

[KeyboardWhinger]

I don’t think it’s abnormal for a 7 year old to bedshare for part of the night.

I also don’t think it’s abnormal, or unreasonable for their parents to get a new live in partner and have to either stop and sleep alone or their parent get into their bed in a different room.

I am a step parent and my DH used to bedshare. DSS used to get in the bed with us which I felt very uncomfortable about and so DH started getting in his bed instead. I’d feel the same about my children now - I wouldn’t be ok with them getting into bed with their uncle for example.

[purplediscoblue]

All I can say is… I have a 2 year old with a man who’s got an 11 year old… I don’t stay with OUR two year old when He’s got his 11 year old so they can share a bed etc etc: please don’t fall into this trap like I have. No matter what it’s about creating new ways and new families and boundaries.

all these saying you shouldn’t be forcing a child.. it is independence. It is setting themselves up for secondary school and later in life. My two year old shares my bed most of the time but has now started asking me to get out of it and falling asleep on her own because she is comfortable and confident on her own in her own company at 2!!

I sympathise with you OP!