Those who changed mind and had second baby

[EllaW1987a]

So our baby is still young - almost 6 months but my partner says no more. We coming up to mid 30.

i changed my own mind quickly - didn’t have much experience with babies so just thought I’d like one. Now I’d like another but potentially in a few years. May change my mind though and not want another - who knows!

those in a similar boat (either you or partner) - and who didn’t want a second one, what changed your mind making you have another and how long until you changed your mind?

and was it worth it?! Did you have any regrets or your partner?

thank

I always wanted more, dh would have been happy with none but was deffo happy with one. I begged and begged for number 2, I had had quite a traumatic birth and dd was a sickly newborn due to being prem, allergies and bronchiolitis and dh ddint want to go through it again. I keep saying it won’t be a repeat, I can have a section, we know what we are doing with allergies, can’t be prem again etc. eventually he relented, well, I had a very high risk pregnancy, a crash section at 33 weeks, ds was resuscitated and spent 3 weeks in nicu with me. Cue dh trying to work and care for dd. Ds then contracted bacterial meningitis at 8 weeks and was hours from death again and now age 15 months is not a well boy, multiple appointments, multiple admissions and investigations, now under the care of great ormond street, costing us money, I can’t work, enormous amounts of stress and emotional impact on dd. I don’t regret anything, but I can see how this last 2 years had taken an enormous toll on us emotionally and financially. Dh loves ds more than anything, he says he can’t imagine life without him, but that had we gone with his choice not to add more children think of the stress we wouldn’t have had and impact on dd, of course he’s right.
of course if you want another baby as I did the emotions for that are very strong, but your dp needs to be fully on board with eyes wide open as to what ‘can’ happen and not being first baby that he would be responsible for your eldest.of course all being well all would go well, but you have to be prepared to take on every eventuality. Esp as you mention being older when no 2 might come along

@Strictlymad I’m really grateful for you sharing your experience and sorry to hear of all of the health struggles you have had for your DS. Most of the posts I read on mumsnet are always encouraging about a second child and I think there is a natural tendency to gloss over the negatives but they are very much there…risks of course increasing with age.
OP we have a 10 year old and were happy sticking with one until recently when I turned 37. Suddenly was desperate for a second and TTC for 6m, rather stressful as no luck until December. Now 9 weeks but had a MMC and awaiting management of that in hospital. Has been a minefield arranging this around our current DD childcare, highlighting our lack of family support and potential impact on her. Now discussing stopping TTC and being grateful for what we have. It’s hard but in my case I feel like I have listened to my hormones rather than my head. Was feeling pretty anxious about the pregnancy and prospect of another child anyway, although still hard to lose it.
I hope you make peace with your decision whatever you end up doing.

I’m sorry to hear of your experiences too, we also have no family / support within 100 miles and you’re right managing childcare is a challenge in that regard. You’re right the hormones and emotions really can take over and it’s so hard. I do agree, even I said to dh when I wanted another ‘it will be fine’ don’t worry about anything, when in reality no one knows how it will go or what the outcome will be, you don’t like to think of the worst…. Sending you hugs

@Strictlymad That must be very difficult to not have family nearby while caring for your two. I hope you have a good network of friends? This is something we only really built up once my daughter had been in primary a couple of years, relationships built up by favours to each other over the years and getting to know people better.
I think it’s just human nature to try and focus on the positive , there’s a lot we wouldn’t do if we focused on what might go wrong. I guess in our case we have always been ambivalent about a second child, so feel less able to gamble with the risks. Undoubtedly it is a loss not to have a much-wanted second child, and a loss for existing children if they don’t get that sibling relationship. What I probably need to face is the regret I feel about not having a second child sooner so that my daughter could have had a similar age sibling, but life has a habit of getting in the way, doesn’t it. There were lots of financial, health etc reasons that we couldn’t do that.
I think it is very common for women to feel desire for more children in their late 30s and around 40, this is hormonal and biological. I have read and heard about women with 3, 4, or 5 children wanting to do this. Our bodies are very good at signalling to us when fertility is on the decline. OP if you think you may want another I would probably make a plan for this if possible before you get to late 30s when it feels a bit urgent/panicky for some women. However don’t take that feeling as meaning you NEED more kids, it’s just your body telling you to get a move on, basically.

Hi @CurlyWurly1991, I know this thread is a few months old but I've just come across it and i am in a very similar position to you, a few months on. I'm going to send you a PM, hope you don't mind.