Only child fam, no family, mental breaking point

[lifeparadox333]

I'm sorry this is a lot but I'm at breaking point mentally, I just wish I'd seen it all coming but I don't know how I didn't except I just wanted a normal family so much but I didn't see the issues having no decent family would cause! This is a lot but I'm in such an unusual situation, an awful situation that would be most people's nightmare! We had our daughter at 33, due to her terrible sleep and behaviour we haven't managed to have another as we'd hoped that's the first issue I'm dealing with as never planned an only child! The other issue is my mum died shortly after she was born with a sudden late stage cancer diagnosis. My dad (step dad) fallen apart since & I'm dealing with seeing him hugely struggle, my real dad is truly the most awful & strange person I've ever met!!! I can't undertand just how he is my father at all, he's so self centred and odd, we're NC until I was 21 but it's not worked since he's so strange it's like unbelievable how we are even related! His Nan app told my mum before she died that she also never bonded with him (she was app more like myself) my partners mother walked on them all when they were little they have no contact, we were not traumatized by our childhoods, my mum was there but not there she had her own tragic childhood losing her mother at 11 to cancer with a father she didn't get on with, it's honestly all so awful! All we wanted was to have a normal family! We have worked our asses off to provide a decent home and live in a nice place but we feel so out of place here and are so lonely and I am wracked with such guilt that we have such little family for her and wracked with guilt for not considering how this would impact our child!!! I'll never forgive myself for us just thinking that she'd be ok with just us! It's crippling the guilt and I'm struggling now with major depressive moods, how is this someone's reality,all our reality! How do I move forward to keep my head to be here for her! I feel so bad about it that I wish I could take us all away from this awful situation, I feel like we're surrounded by so many normal families and everyone must think we're such bad people for making this decision and not also providing another sibling but it's not been easy it's been gruelling! To add to this my bond with my child is also difficult as she has so many traits like my dad who I didn't get on with which is another blow to an already hard situation! I just wish I'd seen it all coming and I desperately need some advice on how to keep moving forward because I feel like giving up because it all seems so hopeless

I make an effort to see as many friends as we can but this is hard with being so busy but I make as much effort as I can and despite my daughter again being so different to eachother I'm trying to make much effort as I can but it is hard as it's obv just like with my dad we're so different.

I feel like there can't possibly be many people in this world that have a life that's turned out like mine and I feel sorry for anyone that has; if there is anyone that can relate to my situation or can advise me as I'm at rock bottom, I don't know how much longer I can cope 😓

If you’re in the U.K. It’s not Asperger’s any more. It’s ASD.
What does the nursery think? Or health visitor in terms of meeting milestones?

@PinkMimosa I'm sorry to hear this, it's so unfair! My mum was the last of 7, born in the 60s my poor nan how she coped with so many and an awful husband app who my mum told me was abusive to her when her mum died when she was only 11 to cancer as the other siblings left very young. She wasn't raised properly at all, I think there was a lot of anger there due to this but I never underatood her and why she just never seemed to bond with me, I was a good kid, I was no trouble, none of it will ever make any sense but some counselling may help me to find ways to deal with all of this. Xxx

PDA is Pathological demand avoidance.

If you live close to Keele University, would Pegsis be of any help? Not sure from your post if you're in Staffs or Cheshire or even Shropshire

Definitely counselling will help @lifeparadox333 because it sounds like you cannot continue on this path for your own mental health.

From my experience growing up with an undiagnosed ASD man who battled with regulating his anger and frustration and would have meltdowns from that, who was completely my way or the highway, authoritarian and rigid, who couldn’t see where he stopped and the rest of us began and that we were not put on the Earth just to behave the way he wanted us to was hard. I do hear where you are coming from, and your mother sounds difficult too, as was mine, and there is a huge grief that needs to be experienced and dealt with.

But on the other hand there is so much changed now with regards to children with ASD. Much better understanding, much better community for support. It is a different world. I think if you can process your own past and then relook at your own expectations things can improve enormously for your own family.

@RedHelenB he is obnoxiously rude, it's a thing he is fully aware of but point blank refused to address or chnage. He will rarely ask how we are or anything about us, he will talk on and on about just himself, he can't seem to see our eyes glazing over or doesn't care. He constantly stares at you looking for reactions or that you are fully listening to him, he gets annoyed if he doesn't have your full attention, he is very much attention seeking, like a child. He can't hold a conversation, he won't allow you to finish a sentence, he talks right over you. He is lazy, won't keep his house clean, it's disgusting but doesn't care, he expects me to come and do it but has no regard for the fact I work and have a small child and a sick child, is this just him or is there more to it. He's never asked me if I need help; never given me any advice, never asked me how I am( just totally clueless) has no manners, bosses people around, he'll say your name and then blurt out a demand; like Harry, put that light on, move that table etc

@Gumbo I was this child, I never felt like I had a sibling as I never got on with my half sibling, all my grandparents were dead when I was born I never missed or have missed what I never had, I was highly sociable and from 7 was always out making friends, I had a lot of friends and I was very happy, it was better for me to be out of the house and I coped fine with that, I just never felt any love from my mum at all or sister but i was fine as I met my husband who loves me dearly. The impact of having no loving family and the realisation of this lack only hit me when we had our daughter, to me it feels normal to have decent family in your life, we see that a lot here, grandparents sit their children in our street a lot and they get a lot of support from them, we don't get that at all which has been hard to accept and come to terms with xxx

Sounds just like my "D"M. Very much like her in fact.

It definitely sounds as though you need counselling. And you need to work out what your boundaries are and stick to them. I would not be cleaning his house for him.

@PepsiCoco thank you I'll make a note now that it is ASD but the nursery said they had no concerns but I think she may have been as it's been referred to in here 'masking' as she's very different when she is at home. It's obv to me something doesn't seem right. She argues the and toss with us to point of totally losing the plot and ends up having to go to her room to cool off, prior to now she 4.5 it was truely awful, the noise and sheer disregard for a thing we'd ask, if she wanted something she was hell bent of getting it and it was so extreme the way she would react! It started form when she turned 3 mths old, terrible explosive temper to point of almost making herself sick, she'd put her hand in her mouth and try to put it down her throat which I found shocking as it was just soemtjnf she did, she as far as we know was not shown this. She has a very cryey disposition, always has, she willl fake cry to get what she wants a lot and turn it off like a tap which is awful. I never did any of this as a child. We even find taking her for a walk round the block difficult as she'll just refuse to do it, we feel we have abs no control it's very difficult as she'll just make it impossible for us to even compromise with her. She'll just scream and cry until she goes home. She always seems tired but is now sleeping a lot better but she rarely eats so I'm unsure she's anaemic so I've got her bloods booked for March to check this as she rarely eats much at all.

@PinkMimosa I'm staffs and keele isn't far at all from us, I've not heard of Pegsis either sorry but it may be helpful, I'll take any help I can get! 🙏 pda, sounds about right! She just seems to defy and also demand what she wants and if doesn't get it all hell will break loose

Hopefully The Explosive Child will help. Definitely get in touch with Pegsis too. They have a FB group. A relative lives near there and has got help and support from them for her DS who has ASD

@PinkMimosa sorry I realise this was linked, I've had a look and possibly yes! I've saved this so I can refer back , I think I need to do all the things you prev listed and he the ball rolling xx

Hi @lifeparadox333 a lot of what you are describing can be improved by understanding why the child does those behaviours. For example as a small infant was she in pain or discomfort during those long crying sessions. At 3 months she was not being manipulative that is for sure. Demand avoidance usually comes from anxiety again often around the child’s sensory profile. So it is obvious from what you have written that you yourself are perceptive or in other words you are sensitive to your environment, she is likely the same. With ASD clothes can be more scratchy due to that high sensitivity to the environment, sounds louder etc to her sensitive senses. It is likely the milk she was getting as a baby was causing her intense discomfort and she was responding to that.

Her behaviour towards you is her way of communication. She doesn’t have the words to express these issues so she is defiant or crying or whatever trying to get you to understand her issues. This behaviour is not a way to annoy you, it is her trying to get her needs met.

@Lalalanding someone who has been through it the same as me! 😓 it's awful isn't it' I never felt like I had anyone at all or ever have! It always felt so unfair and so hard being all on your own! I'm sorry you also went through this as it can feel so lonely esp when you know nobody that can relate to your life at all!

I do need counselling to deal with this more how to deal with it now I've realised how bad it was and how to work past it and let it go as I'm hung up on the fact this is me and my life. Xx

@RedHelenB and a sick husband sorry not child but seems like I may have that also 😓

@PinkMimosa I'm sorry you also have had to deal with this it's truly such a hard thing to accept, I refuse to clean it for him he is abs capable to do it himself, he's been like this for the last 25 yrs, he chooses to sit idly in front of the tv all day, I dot. Know how anyone can choose to live like that it's awful, my house is like a show home I feel clear and organised when it's clean and all things in their place, I'm fine with mess but not to his degree

Agree with Lala. Once you realise that it's anxiety that is the likely factor in driving your DD's behaviour, it will become much easier to understand and help her.

You might find this on ASD in Women & Girls helpful although DD might not show everything on the list.

@Lalalanding she has always been a bit seating to the feel of some of her clothes, like socks she'll sit picking them out of her toes or say she won't wear that as it's scratchy, she hates Loud noises like parties are too much, we have to get in early otherwise it's too much for her, I do think she has ASD I really do; my step dad does too xxx

It's ok. Obviously it would have been better if she wasn't such a shit mother but you can't change that and I survived. Understanding that she's very likely has undiagnosed ASD helps and having very, very strict boundaries also helps.

Hopefully having counselling will help you to see that ultimately your DParents were flawed but you can do much better in the future with your family.

Does she have seamless socks and some headphones for when it's noisy? Some of the LOOP type earplugs can be more discreet for her than over the head type headphones.

@PinkMimosa yes she's always seemed a very anxious character, I don't know why but anxious is a def a way I'd describe her! Fretful like she gets worked up so easily.

I'll have a look at this also and thank you so much for all of the helpful advice! I feel like I have a way forward and lighter for having just people here who have taken time to help me!! I'm so grateful as this has been truely overhelming! Xxxx

I would suggest you get private counselling if you can afford it, not through the GP. The NHS has very limited services and you're likely to have to wait.

You would probably be offered short term CBT which won't begin to unpack all the things that have happened to you. Your childhood sounds traumatic and it is affecting how you are relating to your child. It is also contributing to your feeling of overwhelm.

Psychology Today, Wellbeing.Org, BACP and Counselling Directory all have lists of counsellors that you can approach.

Seamless socks.

@Pelham678 I totally agree! I've had cbt in the past for work issues and didn't find it hugely helpful due to the sheer demand they had barely any time to talk it wasn't helpful at all and even the counsellors seemed over worked which is awful.

I've had a lot of trauma really, I had to live in a hostel as a baby as my dad decided he didn't want us so we were homeless but I have no memory of this and the copious amounts of places I had to live until we found a perm home, mum always struggled massively, she had no education, no help from anyone, no decent job and stayed as a sahm, she lost her confidence to work by time she hit mid 40s, went in to early menopause and just gave up, she got type 1 diabetes by early 30s also but I think this is what contributed to her cancer at 55, life's tough, she went through a lot in her own childhood, and it just got harder for her, kids then grow up and leave and if you're not sorted In your life with work that's a whole new thing to navigate I think it got too much for her the prospect of potentially having an unfulfilling job in a world that changes so much form when she was 23 in the yrs she spend as a mother then hitting late 40s

Don’t let all this ruin your life now. You can’t change what’s gone past - you need to move forward positively with your life. Nothing is to be gained by feeling a victim of what’s gone past.

@Belltentdreamer I totally agree, I don't know who why expect since having daughter I think this has all come flooding back to me, I managed to move forward very well from it prior to that but I think it's that lack of anyone being here to help us that has made. Me feel so much anger and despair about it all, it has become an issue thohh that I need now to find tools to help me dispel it and find positive ways to move away from this, I just don't also know how the hell I will one day explain all of this to my child or if I even do but possibly a decent counsellor can advise on this for me xx