What is life like with an only child?

[MDJ]

Hello!

My husband and I have a wonderful outgoing 2 year old son and are leaning towards being one and done because we are both introvert and prefer a calmer environment and don’t have tonnes of energy. We also like the idea of being able to afford some great holidays with our son to give him some amazing experiences.

I would be really grateful to hear others experiences of life with an only child, particularly older children (9-16). Do you spend a lot of time entertaining your child? Do they enjoy hanging out with you? What are holidays like? Do they do many extra curricular activities? How often do you ensure they socialise (is it stressful/worrying being responsible for your child’s friends?)

Thanks in advance!

When DF was terminally ill and after his death, DB was nowhere to be seen. I think it is probably harder having a sibling who does nothing than being an only in this situation, as you have added resentment with all the other emotions you are going through

I have two, but am observing my friends with 1 with envy. Looks lovely. Less conflict, lots of family togetherness, parents each get their own time to do hobbies, pursue careers, see friends. And they take genuinely interesting holidays! Kids seem happy, connected, and well adjusted.

I was in the middle of a family of six kids and I was lonely growing up. Especially as a teen.
I didn't even realise it was a thing, thinking having an only child was bad, until mine got to the age where it's obvious he won't have siblings and people started making comments.

We are one and done. DD 5. The notion of having another child to provide a play mate is baffling to me.
So many of our friends have since had a second and a lot of their marriages are on the rocks as they are so overwhelmed with the needs of little kids.
Also most of the kids constantly fight, the parent like they are doing a good enough job as they don't give each child enough attention.
DH and I both primary teachers, both have seen way too many families that overstretch themselves by having multiple kids as it's 'expected' without thinking of it's actually best for the kids. Our life is calm and DD is a delight. She has play dates but we enjoy playing with her too as that's why we had her! He bf has a sibling and is far more demanding of her mums time.
DH and I both have siblings, his lives 7 hours away and he sees her maybe once every two years. Mine lives two streets away and could not be less bothered with me or my parents. We may have played with them when we are little but I'd hardly say they add anything to our lives now.

I was one of several but my childhood was very lonely.

DS is an only and he's had more of a social life in his 12 years than I have had in my entire life

Holidays - we like swimming in the sea, the beach, boats. We aren't keen on AI style at all - The time we tried it, DS didn't want to play with any of the other kids. So far, he loves just hanging out with us but in his teens that might change! if so, we might consider pooling in with my sister and her brood.

He's got a sport he's massively into, so that takes up a couple of evenings a week, more in the summer, and tried and dropped a couple more.

We got him a triple bunk bed when he was 8, and now he has his friends over for regular movie nights and play dates. In the summer they are going to camp in the back yard supposedly!

We moved to DH's home place when DS started school and I'm so glad we moved out of the city. DS has made great friends - and I have made friends with their mothers and we've regular nights out ourselves.

Because I had a lonely childhood myself, I've always been ok with being on my own so I don't think I'll suffer empty nest syndrome too much. I might finally get stuck into the hobbies that I don't have time for these days!

Speaking as an only child myself, I don't recommend it. I was very lonely as a child and even more as an adult. Friends never filled the void of family. I have 1 child myself now and I'm desperate to have another as I don't want him to share this experience.

And to add, I had holidays as a child but they mean nothing to me now. I don't see the point of making memories unless I have someone to share them with. I never go on holiday as an adult.

I still feel left out when people talk about their siblings. I would give anything to have siblings and for my son to have siblings.

@limeblossom my sibling hasn’t spoken to me for 20 years. Siblings are not always the answer. You have put too much emphasis on them and have missed out on other things.

Do you have a partner? What did you do before having your child? DH and I went on many holidays before having DC, went on more child centred ones when had DC, now DC are uni aged we are looking at holidays back to being us as a couple. We also have been on holidays with friends and parents.

How different do you think your life would actually be now if you had a sibling? Would you be relying on them to provide you with a social life?

Yes I have a partner. Before I had my child I worked and studied but it didn't bring me any joy. I still work now as well.
No I wouldn't rely on a sibling to provide a social life but I still wish I had one. I think my life would be very different. My life would have been a lot less lonely and as a result I'd be happier. I'd feel like I fit in more with other people, I feel very left out when people discuss their siblings. I would feel part of a family. I'd know that I am important to someone.

We absolutely love it. DD is 16, still loves hanging out with us, but has always been very good at occupying herself with hobbies, reading etc. She enjoys her own company but is great with adult company and always has been. She can converse confidently with adults in a way my friends teens just can't and I think that is about being an only child. There's no arguments or sibling rivalry and the house is peaceful. She's never wanted or missed having siblings. We can't see a downside.

@limeblossom you are important to your child and your partner, you are a family

@limeblossom DC is an only. Has friends, been on holiday with us and on holiday with his mates. I know other onlies who are the same.

Would a sibling really have made you different to what you are? Do you just think a sibling would have made a difference, but in reality you would have been the same.

Some friends I have made through parenting social circles, I have no idea if they are onlies or not. They don’t mention siblings and if they had any they are not part of our friendship group.

That's great for you but my experience is different. I will always feel like I missed out on something important by not having a sibling.

I am a single parent ( not by choice ) and have one son. I definitely made the right decision having the one child with a partner who was difficult to live with, we just drifted apart. My son is Amazing he has lots of friends can socialise with adults and other children, is intelligent loves school, goes to the gym .

I think women need to stop guilt tripping single parents or mothers of only children. I was one of four girls and we all argued constantly ( all get on well as adults) I wanted to be an only child.
There is absolutely NOTHING WRONG with having one child.

Women who have a problem….. Grow up!!

Not an only by choice
my girl is nearly 10 and is happy doesn’t express desire for siblings never has
she has a wonderful peaceful life
struggles a little with group dynamics when playing outside but gets on fine at school and clubs etc
she needed a lot of entertaining up until last year but I feel it was her personality rather than being and only
holidays are great not torn trying to meet the needs of several children

I think it can't fail to have an impact. I mean, having your home and your parents' attention focused on you rather than split between you and one or several siblings is a pretty big difference for kids. So I don't understand people saying it doesn't matter or it makes no difference. It does - it makes for a different sort of childhood. But whether positive or negative depends on many, many factors, including the child's personality, how involved the parents are and where they live. There are many happy sibling relationships and also many dysfunctional or indifferent ones.

And of course our children's lives can be made unhappy through many, many factors, only some of which as parents we have control over - poverty, bullying, social isolation etc. And some of these may be made worse by having a sibling, some better. So there is no crystal ball for these decisions.

I think this is a valid viewpoint and I don't really understand why people are trying to undermine it or pretend you didn't miss out on anything.

That doesn't necessarily mean being a one-child family was the "wrong" decision for your parents or anything like that. But just as many adults may feel they missed out by growing up in bigger families where they received insufficient attention and resources, why shouldn't this also be the case the other way round? Why is that not a valid viewpoint?

We're not all of us lucky enough to grow up in the family structure which would suit our personalities and our preferences the best. Some children would thrive in bigger families with multiple siblings, some would be overlooked. In reality, family size is determined by many factors, parental preference, economic factors, cost of living, career considerations. That's just life, but of course some children would have preferred a different family structure to the one they ended up with.

DS is an only, not through choice. Both DH and I are from biggish families so DS has cousins very close in age.
DS found the lockdowns difficult on his own so values his friends. His best friend is an only and they are like brothers. They both have other groups of friends but frequently will go out in the middle of the night to act as taxi drivers.
We didn’t really bring him up as an only, but in the way we were brought up. We used to take one of his friends on holiday with us, but if we didn’t he would usually find someone to hang out with.
He did have one friend at school who was an only, in fact both his parents were only as well, he was not a liked child and was everything that people stereotype an only to be.

I think you have to set strong boundaries and encourage them to mix socially. Sports clubs are ideal for this. You also have to resist the temptation to be their biggest fan. Standing back sometimes allows you to see how they interact. In a big family it’s easier to see your children’s failings as they interact with siblings. With an only it’s easy to be over protective and miss the obvious.
If ever I went to my DM or DF with a complaint about a sibling their first question was “and what did you do…..? “ ( usually insert before they hit you).
He can be rather entitled but so can his DF so not really the result of being an only. He is just about to turn 20 and the “why me” teenager is slowly disappearing, being replaced by a lovely young man that occasionally has the odd teenage meltdown.
Someone ran into the back of his car a few weeks ago and he had to go without it for a couple of weeks. When he was without it a couple of years ago he just ranted the whole time, through his toys out of the pram repeatedly. This time he has just shrugged his shoulders and got on with it.

It can be as easy or as difficult as you make it. Having a dog has helped DS, he sees her as his sibling, since we love her as much as him. DS goes to uni this Sept after a gap year and the dog is really going to miss him, probably more than he will miss her.

I have a 22 year old son that I brought up as a single Mum. We were always really close as it was just me and him. Now he lives with his girlfriend and I’m lucky if I see him. He was always desperate for a sibling to play with growing up. As he got older I did wish he had a sibling to confide in and look out for him like I did growing up.

I now have a 3 year old daughter that was born the day before my 41st birthday so she will definitely not be getting a sibling. Luckily for us she doesn’t want one. She is more than happy to have my undivided attention. However, my son and daughter are like chalk and cheese, while my son would have thrived with a sibling, my daughter definitely wouldn’t.

At times it can be hard as she always wants me to play with her (which I quite enjoy really) but doesn’t understand that Mummy sometimes has jobs to do. That said, I have friends with multiple children and they seem to argue a lot, which would drive me insane. Both my children have in-effect been only children due to the age gap, and I’ve always enjoyed having that closeness of just one child but also having the financial freedom that having one child brings. My only worry is that she won’t have me around as long as my son has.

It's interesting to look at it from an adult perspective. My husband is an only so our children are spoilt (nicely!) by his parents and they have a lot of time to help us. On the other hand, I'm incredibly grateful my children have a decent number of cousins from my side, as well as a couple of aunts and uncles. If my siblings hadn't had children or if I'd been an only myself, I think my children's lives would be poorer for it.

I commented earlier on my decision to have an only DC by choice, and have absolutely no regrets.

I also look at the example of my elderly DM (90) - she is an only DC and has never had any problem making friends, she is very sociable and outgoing .. and continues to be the same even living in an old folks home now ... maybe because she's 'had' to make an effort to make friends or perhaps it's her personality?

I have no 'real' relationship with my siblings beyond birthday/Christmas cards and maybe once a year visit ... and I can confirm that having siblings does not necessarily make it easier caring for elderly DPs ... obviously in some cases, but in my experience - and at my age most of my friends have elderly parents - care & support is very, very rarely shared and is often a source of conflict.

I’m an only. It puts a lot on your shoulders when you get older. You’re solely responsible for care, you struggle with parents illness and death alone, and the worst part is that you’re left by yourself. I think back to my family in my youth and I’m the only one who’s left. All of that only exists in my memory now, because everyone else who was there is dead. It’s an awful feeling.

Unfortunately I could only have one child for medical reasons. I already see him experiencing the same isolation and loneliness that I experienced as a child. I know what’s coming and it makes me sad.

I’m sorry to hear about your experiences. I also have similar worries as losing one of my parents was a time when us siblings pulled together, to an extent. I think this depends a lot on the personalities and relationships though. I hear that often care and management of an estate falls to the oldest daughter. Sometimes families bicker etc. I hope that when the time comes for my daughter she is well supported by a partner, friends, etc. I am also careful with my organisation of things like wills, finances etc so that the burden on her is minimised as much as possible.

I am only child and really wish I had a sibling. I know there are no guarantees that we would get on, but I would love to have someone to share the experience of having my parents as parents. Also an aunt or uncle for my DDs.