To have the 2nd… or not?

[GoingRoundInOvals]

NC for this, just in case I’m recognised.

Feel I need to write it all down, in black and white, and hopefully someone can help me make sense of it.

Never really had that “broody, I want a baby” feeling. Kind of went along with TTC after DH and I got married as figured that was the thing to do and didn’t really mind either way. Got pregnant very quickly (I’m aware of how lucky we were) and now have a 1.5 year old who much to my surprise (and relief) I love utterly and can’t imagine life without. DH is desperate for another, though freely admits that all he ever wanted was a family, and if Baby#1 is all we ever have, then he has his family and he’s content. However, I know he wants a 2nd. He mentions it almost every other day. All the stuff is in the attic for “if we have another” etc.

I’m… done. I think. I never really saw myself as maternal, I’ve been very relieved that I love my first as much as I do, as I honestly didn’t think that would happen, and whilst I'm getting for the first time in my life what I would call “possibly broody thoughts” I’m not sure it’s enough to go ahead with TTC.

Reasons against:

”baby#1” had a very traumatic birth, (they actually were not alive when born but had some very quick intervention from the amazing doctors and all fit and well today). I can’t get out of my head however the memory of this grey lump being whisked away from me and seeing chest compressions started on them before I’d even got to hold them

I’m getting older - even if we got pregnant next week I’d be closer to 42 when I gave birth. Not hugely old, but the risks increase, to baby and to me. Why would I risk impacting baby#1’s life if god forbid something goes wrong to me or baby#2?

I managed to get away without any rips, tears, medical issues, had a natural birth, was fine and dandy 20 mins afterwards. I doubt it’ll be the same next time round and the selfish part of me doesn’t want to risk it

If we stick at one, we can do private school, house deposits, riding lessons, driving lessons, amazing holidays, 101 things for baby#1. Not saying that’s better than potential love for #2, but certainly wouldn’t be able to provide everything for both.

I feel logic says don’t do it. Don’t risk what you have, you have a healthy happy child and a healthy happy mother. But DH wants another so badly but I feel I’d only be saying yes to make him happy. And that’s not right is it?

I think I’ve just answered my own question 😢

DH felt the same as you, I felt the same as your DH. We actually couldn’t have another (tried actively for two years between age 39-41, including various fertility treatments). So the decision was made for us.

I’m ok with that outcome now. I expect DH would have been ok with having a second if it had happened too. That doesn’t answer your question, but just to reassure you that either way, it will probably be ok.

Thanks for the honesty @Saschka, I appreciate any feedback on this. I’m sorry you struggled the second time round 💐

Like you I would describe myself as not very maternal, and i didn't experience the broodiness either. I guess i just went with the 2nd, but now i'm glad I did. Even though my kids have very different personalities and are over 3 and half years apart they have a lovely bond. My own siblings are very important to me and i couldn't imagine my life without them. I want that for my children and hopefully that will be the case.

I'm sure the private education and the extras you could provide the only child would be of great benefit but maybe the extra support of a sibling might be worth considering too.

Whatever you decide is completely your decision, this is just my outlook. Best of luck with either way X

The sibling bond is exactly what DH wants for our child(ren) @Kerrylass

he has siblings and is very close to them. I’m an only child so perfectly happy with the 1 child dynamic and still don’t really understand sibling bonds!

My situation is startlingly similar... no maternal feeling. DH wanted a child... etc after DD and seeing what an impact pregnancy had DH said no 2 was totally up to me...

the key difference between you and I is ...I wasn't done.
It wasn't even I felt any burning desire for a second I just didn't feel like I was done

I got pregnant first go 2nd time...this pregnancy has been a lot harder...

You do not sound like you want a 2nd...
I think maybe you and your DH need a proper sit down and to put it to bed

Think this is what it boils down to. I need to have a chat with DH. I’m just being a wimp because I know how gutted he’ll be, even though he’ll do the right thing outwardly and support my decision