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One-child families

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Original poster

In laws drive me scranny

11 replies

summerwinterdh · 17/10/2023 14:44

Is it just me? Why do my in laws drive me up the wall so much since having a child.

They are so supportive and so helpful and dote on our daughter .

Why am I so unreasonable in being annoyed by them all the time ?! Is anyone else like that. I am full aware it's unreasonable !!

OP posts:
Sunshineclouds11 · 17/10/2023 14:46

This is me aswell 😅

On paper, they are perfect but god they get on my nerves at times.
I think I can find them abit over baring at times and when MIL tries to tell me what my DC can do it annoys me like I don't know he can do that.

PivotPivotmakingmargaritas · 17/10/2023 14:47

Not really much to go on to be able to comment

What has changed since having DC … is it they are more involved in your life than before so now you are having to put up with character traits you didn’t notice were SO ANNOYING when you saw them rarely ( or is this me projecting 🤔)

SallyWD · 17/10/2023 14:51

I felt the same when I had my first. I think I was subconsciously a little possessive over my baby (as is natural for a new mother) and I kind of resented/feared their involvement with her. Like I say, this was all on a subconscious level. I kind of wanted to say "Back off she's MINE" but of course she was their family too.
How old is your child now? I think things will settle down.

Original poster
summerwinterdh · 17/10/2023 15:03

@PivotPivotmakingmargaritas yes absolutely everything you have said!!

Have to always consider their feelings and make sure they are happy with the involvement they have with daughter, and not to offend them if we haven't seen them in a while. Always being SO gushy when they are around us and so overwhelming playing with daughter because of how excited they are.

Just generally how they parent differently to my own upbringing.

There is a subconscious element that I am fearful that they want to be TOO involved in my daughters upbringing. I need to chill out and remind myself that this isn't necessarily true / they just get sooooo excited !!!!

But it's noticeable how much more comfortable I am around my own mum and consider her support as a friendship and she speaks to my daughter in the same way that I do

Eugh I do know alll this is unreasonable but it's good to know others have the same thoughts and fears !!

OP posts:
Original poster
summerwinterdh · 17/10/2023 19:33

@Sunshineclouds11 so glad it isn't just me !!! Lol

OP posts:
Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 17/10/2023 19:35

Yeh I feel ya. I definitely felt the change once I had our first child.

icanlovemebetter · 19/10/2023 20:51

Yes!!!! Same OP, same.

@SallyWD I am very possessive about DS. I had a tiff more than a year ago (big drama at SIL's house) and my MIL asked me to leave my DS with her and asked me to go home.

I said loudly "noooo, he's my son" wherever I go, I will take him with me.

And in one month I'll be leaving him and his daddy (DH) with in laws to be with my parents for a week. (Being cheeky) 😅

Original poster
summerwinterdh · 25/10/2023 23:06

@Hungrycaterpillarsmummy if you don't mind me asking - what was the change that you felt?

For me, I just feel like my day to day life is now of relevance to my in laws whereas before we were separate somehow. I kinda miss a bit of privacy almost. I know that sounds so silly when I'm well aware that having a child connects a family and I love that our child has a fantastic relationship with both sets of grandparents . Im just not always sure what their expectations are and whether they feel like that should have more one on one time with her ?! (They do have that a lot I think , but I always wonder if they want more?!)

. I would love to know how grandparents of children on the paternal side feel about their relationship with their grandchildren. Whether they feel a bit put out because the mother naturally gravitates towards her own mum for support ?! I will always include my in laws in stuff but if I need help or advise , generally speaking (not always!) I will go to my own mum. Is there an element of jealousy or hurt there ? Is there an element of competition that causes that feeling of them always seeming to have their nose in our business !

For me, it makes me so aggravated that I want to walk in the other direction despite knowing I need to sympathise and go to them more. It's hard when they arent your own parents though right ?!

OP posts:
Original poster
summerwinterdh · 25/10/2023 23:12

@SallyWD she's 3!
When she is much older she will be able to vocalise her desires to hang out with them lots. But right now, I don't want to submit her to doing things just because someone wants her to do something or go somewhere. I will always put her own interests first and if I feel she isn't ready for, for example, a sleepover on her own yet, then that won't happen yet ...im not saying never , but right now it's not in her best interest

OP posts:
Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 26/10/2023 18:12

Once my son was born, after a 72 hour labour and a readmission due to weight loss and failure to feed -MIL knew this yet constantly txt asking for photos. Actually sending txts demanding photos.
I was at the lowest point I'd ever felt, exhausted and she was being ridiculous.
Then when they visited I felt she was too pushy, too in my face and too demanding.

I started to distance myself and our relationship feels like we just kind of put up with each other now.
Before children we actually had a great time together. They always drinking etc though and obviously our lives have changed and so the juxtaposition of our two lives is in stark contrast to each other.

Theres quite a few things they do and don't do that I just find strange so yeh, it's just all gone a bit weird.
I think they think it's all down to me as well, like she doesn't recognise her own actions...

Luckily they live a distance from us!

steelwings · 07/02/2024 20:55

Ugh it's so difficult isn't it. My in laws are the kind that when everyone first meets them they think they're lovely but the more you get to know them the more you see their flaws. Before DS I got along pretty well with them and we only saw them occasionally. But pretty much since I became pregnant they have tried to be so involved in everything. The first thing that really triggered me was when my MIL but her hand possessively on my stomach and said 'my grandson'. I did not want her touching me and found it very invasive and uncomfortable. It pretty much went downhill from there with our previously cordial relationship rapidly going downhill.

I read a great book called Uncaged by Glennon Doyle where it talks about women's habit of trying to be a crowd pleaser and be 'nice' instead of maintaining their boundaries and following their truth. I realised my constant interactions with my in laws was having a really detrimental effect on my well being and I was only putting up with it because I was trying to please everyone and didn't want to be thought of as rude.

So I now minimise contact with them to the bare minimum with DH managing their time with DS. This has massively improved my mental well being and I only wish I'd respected my boundaries earlier and been less worried about what other people thought.

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