In surgical menopause, want another child, husband doesn’t!

[Kittymeow2015]

I literally have no-one to turn to so Mumsnet it is. I’m 43 with one gorgeous 8 yr old. I was put into surgical menopause last year because I have severe PMDD (basically meaning I go crazy with hormones when i have monthly cycle) it took me ten years to get this diagnosis and the surgical
menopause is basically a way to stop your ovaries working, plunging you into menopause with the end result of having them removed. In the time my marriage has been hanging by a thread. Herein lies my problem, I am approaching having to make the decision about removing my ovaries. I’ve been on this current journey for a year and you can’t stay on the medication long term so you have the ovaries removed or stop and go back to how you were. The latter is a scary prospect given the rage I felt when I was ‘normal’.
I’ve never wanted just one child but because my hormones and rage were pretty bad by husband always said no. I also struggled in the first trimester because hormones are surging around the body, it sent me all kinds of crazy. I resented him for his decision even though I realise why he made it at the time but it felt out of my control. Fast forward 8 years and we are in a better place, financially and with our marriage (ish) he said a few weeks go he would happily consider another child. I was elated, ready to stop treatment, get on the folic acid etc. Today is a different story, he’s got a lot of questions I simply cannot give a positive response to……We want to get on the property ladder, that would put us back a step, given my age, what about birth defects, how will it make my current child feel??? So many things just can’t answer because how do you even know….
i feel like an idiot buying folic acid. I know deep down he really only agreed to appease me and I know this child will never happen.
I just don’t know how I can make peace with only having the one. They really are my everything but I feel a bit incomplete as a woman and I’m scared I will resent him because it’s always his decision (not that there can ever be a compromise here). Or do I just crack on and have the ovaries whipped out and just get on with it. I’m so scared really to go down a route where I can’t turn back even if it is for my health and sanity and marriage.
I guess I need some opinions and any advice

So you want to bring a baby into a not great marriage ..erm I would either get out of the marriage or have to put up with the marriage but no way would I bring another child into it. I'm sorry your going thru a hard time

In your shoes, at your age, I wouldn't even consider trying to have another child. Sorry.

I also think it’s not a good idea. I’m so sorry.

but you do need time and space to choose.

I agree.

I'm afraid at 43 conceiving another child would be very likely a long and difficult process, and if your mental health isn't great without the medication then it's not worth the risk. It sounds like your marriage, mental health, and therefore the wellbeing of your existing child would be at risk over a very small chance of a successful pregnancy.

You're 43 with a child and a serious hormonal condition that is exacerbated by pregnancy. You'd be mad to come off your medication to try to have another baby. Time to face reality, it's quite clear that you have to make peace with the life you have.

Try to look forwards and not backwards. You have a great child, a marriage that's improved and a surgical solution to a hormonal problem on the way. It sounds like you also have a chance to get on the property ladder. I would not have another baby in your position. Life is good, continue with it how it is.

It's difficult but your child has probably been aware or affected by your pmdd. I'd want to protect the new-found stability and focus on your relationship with them.

You need to make peace with it and look forward to the rest of your life. I'm in a very similar situation to you (infertility though), the same age and further hormonal treatment (IVF) is not possible. For me it was about acknowledging the luck I had in having one and also thinking about the good things I could bring into my life going forward like travel etc.
The next stage of your life could be really great, especially if you get your health issues under control.

I'm so sorry, I understand how you're feeling, but age, medical history, and a not great marriage, they would all be things that would stop me. I don't blame you for being upset and needing time to process, but it also sounds like it sadly isn't the right time or person necessarily for another baby