Introverted parents = lonelier only child?

[LaceyLou42]

We don’t think we will have another child but i am worried about DS who is a toddler at the moment as me and DH are introverts and i do worry about him being lonely… especially as I have social anxiety and the thought of pushing play dates etc does cause me some anxiety as I’m just not that type of mother who talks to everyone at the school gates etc but maybe I need to step up to try give DS the best possible social skills. Ive been thinking a lot about it and I think if you have an only it’s got to be more important to try and make sure that the child invests in great friendships..and I feel that this is going to be largely down to me so I’m feeling the pressure more now especially as he gets older and the chances of us having another are decreasing. I’m not saying all only children are lonely as such but it has got to be something we all worry about to an extent?

Hi OP. Similar boat with social interaction issues. I think my DH is better with talking to people and he's not exactly introverted but also doesn't go out of his way to talk and meet people.

We've enrolled my DS (2 and a half years old) in a nursery and we call his friends over for birthday parties. Since he and his friends turned 2 even we are being invited so naturally the circle is growing.

I'm also an immigrant to UK and came to this country on work visa 7 years ago. Not everyone I know has kids. So it's a lot difficult to adapt but all I'd say is hang in there. I'm sure your kid will be invited to birthday parties and eventually things will work out. He will make friends. Lots of hugs XX

We have a few children, but by the time theure old enough for play dates, then they’re inviting their own friends. You don’t need to talk to the parents. Same goes for asking them out on day trips etc. 😁

My DP works a lot of hours, I did the bulk of parenting our DS and really worried about this too.

I made sure to bring him to library story times, play sessions, etc. where I sat (awkwardly) in a corner watching him be around other children. It was much easier when he started school, though I initially first had to try extra hard to be approachable and friendly... at such a young age unfortunately all out of school meet-ups etc. are completely dependent on parents, I didn't want him to miss out because others didn't know who I was or found me cold. Another issue is where we live most of the parents are 'locals' who knew each other already. I'm glad to say I actually made genuine friends, but it could have easily not happened if I didn't force myself to chat with others, or agree to outings/house visits where I had to tag along (hated these!). It does get a bit easier, and soon enough they're old enough to not need you organising things!

Being introverted is different to having social anxiety. Children tend to mirror parents or close adults in how they socialise and communicate so I urge you to seek help and be proactive about tackling your social anxiety. You don't need to be an extrovert nor to be a social butterfly, but your child's social life especially in primary does rely on the parent being proactive and sociable. Sane parents don't send their kids for playdates if the parent is acting oddly or standoffish. They might not realise or even care that this is due to anxiety. Playdates at this age mean parents are around, so it helps if the parents get along so that the chat while little Jim and Bunny play along is tolerable. You need to find an activity you tolerate like playground date or a set time at softplay or trampoline, something less awkward and more busy than a home playdate initially. If you can't do a busy place due to anxiety then maybe a pottery painting session or a playgroup that sits around and does arts and crafts. You could do the invitations by text or social media.

Sometimes, children are introverted, too but you need to push yourself so your child spends time with his or her peers, it's vital for their development and wellbeing.

I wish I had a friend that had a DD the same age as mine. Then my social life would mix in with hers. But that never happened.

I am an introvert.

I was shy - which is where the social anxiety stemmed from.

Being an introvert for me means I prefer spending time alone or at home (great with adjusting to parenting as I would rather be at home anyway) and I have very small friendship circles - prefer meaningful conversations as I really struggle to gain anything from small talk or maintain superficial relationships.

However my shy trait (which I’ve had since childhood but have grown out of - but that creeps in every now and then) - often means that I might not engage in a conversation because I’m second guessing myself and I won’t always make the first move when it comes to speaking with strangers - but I have forced myself to do this.

I’m stating the difference as both have been good and bad.

My DD actually developed her own social anxiety - selective mutism, until she was about 4/5 which made it so hard for her to make friends.

10 years later she is an only child with her own friendship circle. She aLao sees some of my friends as her friends and she told me “I have so many adult friends.”. She is so confident speaking to adults and where appropriate gets involved in some of our conversations - as at home we are her friends. When she was younger and I was concerned I spoke directly to the teachers when I was worried about her social as well as academic development.

I would say join groups and speak to the parent that your DC is bonding with the most. That way it isn’t about you - it’s about them. Play dates will naturally happen based on that. If it doesn’t then just make the first move.

We spent lots of time at the park, at soft play. We didn’t always invite the same people but my DD always made a friends (even though sadly she never saw many of them again - I’m sure if I was more social I could have taken the parents details).

It is easier to bond with parents at school but mainly through birthday party invites or hanging out at the school gates (I never did the latter) and following up on those relationships - and also get to know DCs friends and their parents.

I have a DD who’s 5 and a DS who’s 10 weeks old, so although she’s not technically an only child anymore she shafted school as one and obviously doesn’t yet have another kid to play with at home.

im a bit shy and awkward and I have found the social side of school really hard. A lot of their friendships and activities depend on parents, and a lot of parents already know each other (especially the ones who went to the school nursery) and I have found it nerve wracking to try and break into that. At the moment I’m challenging myself to host at least one play date every half term because I do think it’s important that I don’t hold her back from having a social life

I do always say to have an only child you need an introverted child or extroverted parents.

Only parent here to only child and also Introvert.

Try not to worry. My child is now 12 and has a very specific group they go to weekly that is where they have made most of their frinds.
They are a very very social child but dont really have a best friend or invite friends over much as they also very much enjoy their own company.

Their hobby group is very social (think a band or drama) and is full of Interaction so I really dont worry about it too much

They have a great vocab from interacting with adults most of their life and I think this is why they tend to prefer being around older kids